DEAR ABBY: I have been communicating with this woman that I work with. She is currently seeing a guy she's been with for about four years. We have a clear connection and primal attraction, and have both discussed our feelings with each other. We communicate by texting. There is no communication through phone calls, for obvious reasons. Her man works for the same company but in a different building than we do. It's clear to me that he isn't good enough for her and doesn't know how to elevate himself to her level.

I let her know that if they were to break up, I would want to give it a try, and she said the same. She contacts me when she wants and flirts, but it's always at her convenience and not mine. We have "known" each other for about a year and a half now, and she claims she cares for me. My question to you is, how should I move this situation forward? -- THREE'S A CROWD IN NEW YORK

DEAR CROWD: Try to control your libido and allow me to offer a flash of insight. This woman likes things just the way they are. You may not think her boyfriend is good enough for her and can't "elevate himself to her level," but the woman you have placed on this pedestal is someone who enjoys sneaking behind the back of someone she's been involved with for four years and discusses an exit strategy with a co-worker. Open your eyes. She's not seriously interested in you. She's enjoying a flirtation on her own terms, period. What makes you think you are the only one she does this with?

DEAR ABBY: I have been overweight for half of my life. After many diets, exercises, weight loss and eventually gaining it all back, I'm planning to have gastric sleeve surgery within the next two months, or when my surgeon can place me on his schedule.

I have gone through all of the required office visits with my doctor, but haven't yet made a final decision because I'm so nervous about it. I have not mentioned this to my adult children or my parents. My parents are elderly and probably would hate it and worry, so I don't want them to know. As for my children, they probably won't like it either.

The surgery will mean I'll lose 60 to 70 pounds. Should I say something or wait until it becomes obvious? I'm a private person, and I absolutely don't want any negative or snarky remarks from neighbors or my church family.

Am I being ridiculous, selfish or silly? If I don't tell, how will I explain how I lost the weight without spilling my secret? I may tell everyone later on, but not right now. -- GOT A SECRET IN THE SOUTH

DEAR GOT A SECRET: Wanting to be your best and healthiest self isn't ridiculous, selfish or silly. If you need surgical intervention to conquer your weight issues and your doctors agree, there is no reason to be defensive about it. Attempting to hide a 70-pound weight loss would be like trying to smuggle dawn past a rooster.

As you pointed out, your weight loss will become obvious. When you are asked about it, all you need to say is that now that your weight problem is in the past, you prefer not discussing it, so please don't bring it up again. You may encounter fewer raised eyebrows if, once your doctors allow it, you start doing some walking so you can be seen by others adopting a healthier lifestyle. If you do, people may assume it's the reason you are thinner.

DEAR ABBY: I have been friends with "Caroline" for more than 20 years. Her husband is present when they visit us because they live out of state, and when I visit her, he is there. I have been married for 28 years, and my husband doesn't join me when I visit Caroline.

Caroline travels worldwide for work. Her husband has family near me. One time, when he was in town and she was traveling, I invited him to meet me for dinner. He got the wrong idea and thought it was a date behind his wife's back. She knew we were having dinner, but I never revealed to her that he made a pass at me that evening. I corrected him, explained I wasn't trying to start a romance and emphasized I would never do that to my friend.

When I got home that night, my husband asked how dinner went, and I shared what happened. He took it personally. He felt disrespected and told me to tell Caroline. Others I have spoken to about this said don't say anything. This happened a year or two ago.

My husband and I are now invited to the wedding of Caroline's stepdaughter. My husband refuses to go because of what happened. He insists I should tell Caroline and explain why he isn't coming.

I have no feelings whatsoever for her husband and would never engage in anything with him. Their marriage is already rocky. Both have had extramarital affairs, and he said he planned to divorce her last year but hasn't. Should I tell Caroline what happened? -- COVERING UP

DEAR COVERING: I see nothing positive to be gained by telling Caroline at this late date. It's ancient history. Caroline already knows that her husband has cheated in the past. I do not think it would be helpful to rock the boat.

DEAR ABBY: This is a delicate subject for me, one I've never been faced with before. I have been speaking to a really nice guy I met online, and after many weeks of talking, we decided to meet up. It wasn't anyplace special or expensive; it was a lunch spot. I wore jeans and new shoes, and did my hair to look nice for him. We had a pleasant lunch, which he insisted on paying for.

Abby, in his pictures, he is very handsome. In most of them he was well-dressed and -kept. He showed up in a knit ski hat that covered nearly his whole head, and the rest of his attire was wrinkled and sloppy. It was not what I expected for our first date that we had been talking about for a long time.

I'm thinking I may be disappointed because I may have built up expectations in my head. We are talking about a second date, and I'd like to give him another chance to crisp himself up, but I would like to handle it delicately so as not to hurt his feelings. I never thought of myself as judgmental. Am I being unreasonable for wishing my new boyfriend wants to look good for me as I do for him? How do I handle this? -- SECOND THOUGHTS

DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: Here's how. Recognize that he is not your "new boyfriend"; he is only a candidate for the "job." Go out with him a few more times and get to know him well enough that you can have an honest conversation with him. If he doesn't shape up, at that point, tell him what you told me. Leave out the part about blaming yourself for your feelings. They are honest, and you are entitled to them, and frankly, you might be doing him a favor to speak up.

DEAR ABBY: I need some help. A terrible car accident happened in front of my house a few months ago that resulted in the death of a husband and father. The family comes out every Sunday to place flowers at the accident site, which is my front yard. At first, I had no problem with them expressing their grief and tried to console the widow every time I saw her. The problem is, she has gradually added to the area a memorial stone, an angel statue, vases and some of her husband's belongings. My front yard is beginning to look like a graveyard -- a tacky one.

Now she's asking to place a protective shelter over the site. I don't know how to respond. My husband is threatening to go and pull everything up as it is. To add to the stress of all this, another fatal accident occurred last month, resulting in the death of a 22-year-old. He was the son of one of my children's teachers. I can't imagine what she must be feeling right now, passing our home and seeing the graveyard out front. It must be heartbreaking. We live on a dangerous road, and we are petitioning for changes, but I don't want to make our front yard a spectacle. -- GRIEVING IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR GRIEVING: You are obviously a caring person or you wouldn't have allowed this situation to have gone as far as it has. It won't be a pleasant conversation, but the time has come for you and your husband to talk with the widow together and explain that while you sympathize with her devastating loss, you prefer your yard not be used this way. You have that right. It's private property.

Suggest to her that there may be some other way to memorialize her husband, but you need the stone and other objects removed within a reasonable time frame. You may also want to check with your local officials to see what the laws are about this.

DEAR ABBY: I've been happily married for 34 years, and my wife and I are supportive of each other. She's a gourmet cook, and I'm an OK one. She takes extra care when she cooks. She wants her meals to be exceptional, and I appreciate it.

Sometimes she will cook something like an awesome enchilada casserole or pork loin. When she serves it, I like to add lots of other toppings, like sour cream and hot sauce or BBQ sauce. I don't do it with everything -- just with certain dishes. I always taste the food first, but I know how I like my food, and I season it the way I like.

She wishes I would eat her food the way she prepared it. She insists that by altering the dish, I ruin her creation, which is disrespectful. I disagree. I should be allowed to enjoy my food the way I want and not be made to feel bad about it.

Why would she want me to enjoy my meal less by not fixing it up the way I enjoy? We both agreed to seriously consider what you have to say about this. -- RECIPE FOR DISASTER IN TEXAS

DEAR RECIPE: Your wife feels creative pride in the meals she prepares for you. When you alter them with "lots of" sour cream, hot sauce or BBQ sauce, she may feel that somehow her creation was a failure. Reassure her that her meals are excellent, but not everyone has the same palate. It may have something to do with the geographic region in which a person was raised, or the household in which someone grew up.

If you need certain dishes spicier in order to enjoy them, perhaps your wife should consider altering the seasonings in a portion of what she prepares to suit you. If she can't do that, she shouldn't blame you for doing it. To each his own.