DEAR ABBY: Our 24-year-old grandson "Raffy," a college grad from a respected technical institution, couldn't find a job for a year after graduation. He has been living with us for more than six months without paying rent because we wanted to help him get on his feet. Currently, his only responsibility is helping somewhat after dinner. He now has a good job.

I should mention that Raffy tends to be narcissistic. He frequently wears his baseball hat to meals, even though I have asked him not to. He can also be difficult to deal with, attacking me when there's a difference of opinion or if he's angry about something.

We live in a three-bedroom condo. What rules are legitimate for me to require? Can I ask him to keep his room straight and take his hat off at meals or when going out for dinner? How much room and board should we ask for?

We have frequent guests -- family, our friends, his friends -- because we live close to the beach in Florida. Space gets to be a big issue, and he refuses to allow visiting cousins to sleep in his room, even though there are two double beds. I welcome your input, Abby. -- OUT OF CONTROL IN FLORIDA

DEAR OUT OF CONTROL: You seem to have forgotten that the condo Raffy lives in belongs to you. Because it is your home, and he has been living rent-free, you should be making the rules. It's time to sit him down and tell him together that if he wants to continue living there, he will:

1. Keep his room neat at all times.

2. Remove his hat during the meals he shares with you.

3. Allow the visiting cousins to use the extra bed in "his" room -- which is really your guest room.

4. I hesitate to suggest you ask him for money because if you turn the arrangement into a business deal, you may lose leverage. But I do think you should set a deadline for your gainfully employed (but difficult) grandson to leave. With the money he has been socking away on rent, he should be able to accumulate enough to afford a place of his own.

DEAR ABBY: As kids, we were taught not to kiss on the mouth (unless a spouse or romantic partner). We never kissed our children on the mouth and felt disgusted when we witnessed it.

We see it happen all the time now, especially on TV. It never happened in the '50s and '60s. Is my family wrong? -- HOLDING BACK IN HAMILTON, OHIO

DEAR HOLDING BACK: It's a matter of personal preference and upbringing. Giving a family member a peck on the lips is neither right nor wrong, and I have certainly never considered a parent or sibling showing affection in this way to be shocking or disgusting. Readers, what do you think?

DEAR ABBY: I paid $5,000 for a seven-day cruise with my grandkids. All I asked was for them to pack a carry-on and a backpack. My granddaughter and son are having a problem with it. I tried explaining that I'm handicapped and do not want to check a large bag for her because it's a convenience issue. There's laundry service onboard the ship.

When I went to help her pack, my son said I was being unreasonable, and is now threatening to cancel our time with our grandchildren! My husband and I are heartbroken. He ordered us to leave his home and said we were being ridiculous! I don't know what to think.

Am I being unreasonable? We never told them how much we have spent. We just explained that a checked bag would cause us more stress. We also rented a compact car for after our cruise to take the grands, who are 15 and 16, to the mall and a theme park. We don't understand the big deal. -- CRUISER GRANDMA

DEAR CRUISER: Your letter proves the truth of the adage "no good deed goes unpunished." To say your son overreacted would be an understatement.

As hosts, you and your husband have the right to issue some guidelines. Inexperienced travelers are often tempted to overpack, and that appears to be true here. If you haven't raised the subject with your son of the cost of the cruise and your worry about hauling around large pieces of luggage in the small rented car, you should. At least then he will understand why you have given "the grands" a limit. If they want to bring larger bags, the kids should be responsible for paying whatever additional cost there might be. At 15 and 16, both should also be able to lug around their own suitcases. It's a teaching opportunity!

DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine had a baby several months ago. She behaves like she's the first and only woman ever to have given birth. It has consumed her to the point that she sends me at least half a dozen photos a day. When I try to shift the conversation to other things, she invariably brings the topic back to her baby. She left my wedding early without saying goodbye (she was in the wedding party!) to go be with her baby.

I wonder if giving her a subtle reality check would be helpful, or if it would destroy our friendship. I'd love for it to continue, but it seems like a one-way street. -- FRUSTRATED FRIEND

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Before giving your friend a reality check, I suggest giving yourself one. Your friend doesn't talk about anything else but the baby because nothing else is as important to her. By sending you those pictures, she isn't trying to annoy you. She's trying to include you in watching her precious little one develop. Because this bothers you to the extent that you would write to me about it, take a step back for a while rather than say anything to her that you may later regret.

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem I haven't seen in your column before. My husband comes from a large family with siblings spread far and wide. We live in the home state and are happy to accommodate his brothers and sisters (families, dogs) when they come home to visit and ask to stay with us.

While it's never said openly, it quickly becomes clear that the purpose of their visit is to do activities with people other than my husband and me. In the past, we cleared our calendars and expected to entertain and feed these visitors. It becomes awkward when they unexpectedly leave for events with other people -- once a Christmas Eve dinner! Advice? -- AWKWARD IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR AWKWARD: Do not be confrontational, but when plans are being made for the next visit, you and your husband should ask his relatives which days or evenings you should expect to entertain them. That way you won't have needlessly cleared your calendar only to be left standing at the curb.

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee, "Mia," lost her dad two years ago, and her mother recently announced to the family that she is seeing someone. She has been staying over at his house, and she is planning to sell her home and move in with him. Mia is very upset about it.

Her mom is now in the process of getting rid of her father's belongings. She feels like her mom is erasing her father from their lives. How long should her mother have waited? Is Mia being selfish? Shouldn't she be happy for her mother? -- GOING FORWARD IN THE EAST

DEAR GOING: I hesitate to call your fiancee selfish as much as self-centered. Her mother has waited a respectful amount of time. She isn't erasing her late husband from her life or her children's as much as going on with hers, which is healthy.

I wish you had mentioned how long she has been seeing the man she's planning on moving in with, because it might be pertinent. For her own protection, she should discuss her plans with her lawyer to ensure that she -- and her assets -- are safeguarded before she sells her house.

DEAR ABBY: A good friend of mine is giving a baby shower next month for her grandson and granddaughter-in-law. She wants to invite many of her longtime friends to the shower, but most of them have little or no history or relationship with her grandson or his wife, and neither one really wants them to be invited. The grandmother, however, thinks it would be rude not to. Your thoughts? -- INVITED IN THE WEST

DEAR INVITED: Someone should remind your good friend that the celebration is not for her, and that showers aren't supposed to be hosted by close relatives but by friends of the honoree. Not only would your friend's contemporaries not be offended if they are not invited, they would probably feel relieved. People of Great-Grandma-To-Be's generation have been through so many showers they aren't likely to have hurt feelings if the younger generation takes over, unless they're very close to the honoree.