DEAR ABBY: My husband and I retired five years ago and moved to a small town where my two daughters and two grown grandchildren live. We moved here from another state to be near them and other relatives who live closer, but not in this city.

I am sad and hurt by the way one of my daughters treats me. She almost never invites us to her home -- maybe twice a year, when other relatives are in town visiting -- and I think she includes us only because she feels obligated. She has told me her husband "hates" me. I was shocked because I have seldom been around him and always went out of my way to be friendly to him.

When I asked her why he hates me, her answer was that he doesn't like anyone! He's very controlling. He doesn't allow her to get phone calls at certain times and insists she stay home if he is home, etc.

His best friend is allowed to come to their home anytime and make himself comfortable. His relatives are welcome to stay at their house when in town, sometimes for several days. When I invite relatives over, my daughter comes for a short time, then says she needs to get back home. Her husband never accompanies her, even though he is invited.

I make it a point not to call their home phone. I text her when needed, but she has to turn her phone off when he doesn't want to be bothered. I wanted to be in my daughter's life, but I am not welcome. Why? -- SAD SOUTHERN LADY

DEAR LADY: When you decided to make the move to be closer to your daughter, did she share your excitement? If not, it may be the reason -- or part of the reason -- for her husband's reaction to you. If that isn't the reason, then this is happening because your daughter married a man with serious control issues and, for whatever reason, she is willing to allow it. It may have nothing to do with you.

DEAR ABBY: Is there an existing or evolving tradition regarding what surname to give to the children of parents who already have hyphenated last names? For example, when "James Moreland-Ashford" marries "Sarah Rosen-Hubbard," what surname should their children use?

Surely no parent wants to saddle their child with four hyphenated last names, but choosing only one, or one from each parent might end up offending one or more grandparents and other relatives.

I heard about one family who dropped all their existing surnames and chose a brand-new one for both the parents and their children. It did not go over well with relatives in either family. It also proved challenging with respect to the parents' professional lives since they had to reintroduce themselves to all their colleagues and clients.

Have you any advice for us and our hyphenated-surname children? -- OVERLOADED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR OVERLOADED: I saw this situation coming decades ago. My advice is just this: Keep it simple, and do not allow anyone else's ego to influence your decision. Your children will thank you for it.

DEAR ABBY: I recently landed a new job and was excited about doing work that would be directly in line with my education and background. I left a job of more than a decade to pursue this field. My problem is, I'm being asked to carry luggage, make coffee, run errands, etc. This was not in my job description, nor was it what I was hired for.

Abby, I have worked many intern positions. I do not believe I am too good for any job, but I have worked my way up and have abilities that could contribute greatly to this company. What they have me doing now is not beneficial for me or them.

If you believe I should say something, what should it be? I'm afraid they can easily find a substitute who may perform these tasks, as they aren't every day, but it's often enough to make me uncomfortable. It's a small company, and my pay is good, so I don't want to leave. Please advise me, Abby. -- SCARED TO SPEAK UP

DEAR SCARED: I see nothing wrong with having a discussion with your employer. However, because you are so new to the job, it should be done delicately. Tell the person you feel you could be contributing more to the company than you are currently doing, but do not complain about the menial tasks. It often falls to the newest member of the team to do these things, and the last thing you want is to be perceived as someone who is not a team player. In time you will see if this job is the right fit for you.

DEAR ABBY: My dad died of cancer a couple of months ago. While we were a bit estranged, I did love him, and his loss was painful. Despite this, I have accepted things and moved on.

The issue is that anytime I talk to my friends about it, they assume I'm really in shock. My friends are older, so I suspect they think it's because I'm only 22, but it's frustrating that they disregard my personal growth and the way I've dealt with his death.

I realize I have moved on fairly quickly, but the way I see it, death is a part of life, and what's done is done. How can I explain to them that while I'm sad, I have accepted what happened without sounding like I didn't care about my dad? -- MOVED ON IN THE WEST

DEAR MOVED ON: Point out to your well-meaning friends that your relationship with your father may not have been like the ones they had with their fathers. That you were "a bit estranged" may have made his death less traumatic than if he had been a major part of your life. It should not be necessary to put on a display of sackcloth and ashes. Everyone grieves differently, so remind them of that.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO MY ASIAN READERS WHO CELEBRATE THE LUNAR NEW YEAR: The Year of the Rat begins today. I wish a happy, healthy new year to all who celebrate this holiday. People born in the Year of the Rat are said to be instinctive, acute and alert, which makes them exceptional in business. They are sophisticated and popular in social interaction. But they can sometimes be stubborn and picky. Notable individuals born in the Year of the Rat include not only George Washington, Wolfgang Mozart, William Shakespeare and Charlotte Bronte, but also Gwyneth Paltrow, Ben Affleck, Eminem, Prince Charles of Britain and his son Prince Harry.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 37 years. During that time, my husband has cheated on me and fathered several children.

As we have grown older, I have begun to think about final arrangements. If he dies, would I be wrong for not giving him a funeral or memorial service or having one for his sisters and brothers? I feel it would be disrespectful to me if the children that resulted from his affairs, and possibly their mothers, were there. Although my daughters love their father, I believe they would support my decisions. -- ANGRY WIFE IN GEORGIA

DEAR ANGRY WIFE: You are under no obligation to have a funeral or memorial for your cheating husband. If his sisters, brothers, mistresses and their children would like to give him one, they can assume the responsibility. If you still feel the way you do today after his demise, you, your daughters and some close friends of yours can go out for a nice lunch or dinner to acknowledge the occasion.

P.S. Devil's food cake for dessert would be appropriate.

DEAR ABBY: My parents divorced 10 years ago, when I was a freshman in college. My mom didn't want the divorce. My dad initiated it, but they fought constantly when they were together. Not long afterward, Dad started a relationship with a co-worker, his current wife, whom my mom believes was the reason he left her.

I am being married at the end of the year, and I know Mom won't be able to keep her emotions in check if Dad's wife attends. My parents can keep it amicable if it's just them, but I can't see a way to exclude Dad's wife without upsetting him. What's the less-painful option -- my mom getting upset or my dad getting upset? -- WANTS FAMILY HARMONY

DEAR WANTS: Talk to your mother. Explain that you want your wedding to be inclusive, and you don't want this special day to be spoiled. If she feels she won't be able to control her anger, she shouldn't attend. To invite your father and not his wife will be regarded as an insult, and he would likely refuse to be a part of it.

DEAR ABBY: I married a man 24 years ago. At the time, I had a daughter who was 6. My new husband welcomed her, and she considers him to be her father. His parents, however, never considered her as their own. They took several family trips with all their grandkids but excluded my daughter.

Fast-forward to today: My daughter lives in another state. These nieces and nephews all have kids, as does my daughter. Every birthday and Christmas, I buy said nieces' and nephews' kids presents, but I assume because my daughter lives in a different state, no one buys her kids anything. Is it wrong that this upsets me? Should I continue buying gifts for all those kids when my daughter's kids are being left out? -- LEFT OUT IN ILLINOIS

DEAR LEFT OUT: You are not wrong. Considering the circumstances, you have been more than generous. Because your nieces and nephews are adults now, send them cards for the holidays. The same is true for their children. And if you are asked why, tell them the truth -- that gift-giving is supposed to be an exchange, and your daughter was seriously shortchanged.