DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a great guy for a year and a half. He's funny, smart, and when he comes to my house, he washes my dishes and plays with my son. He is attentive, and he cooks for me. He is always buying me little things like a desk coffee heater because he knows I love hot coffee, or smart bulbs that create cool colors in the living room. He's a super fun guy, and he often leaves sweet little notes around the house for me.

The downside is, he has zero ambition, zero motivation and no life goals. We are in our early 30s, and I'm a professional with my own home. He lives in a small room in a house with two housemates. His job pays very little, but although he has few responsibilities, he has been very slow to look for other jobs.

Abby, I have talked to him about our future. We both want to be together, but I told him I am not going to support him. We want to move in together, but he needs to be more financially stable. He needs to be my equal.

When we spoke, he agreed with me and the fact that he can do better. He promised he would be looking, but I have been waiting months to see a change in him and -- nothing. Should I wait for him? Should I talk to him again? I want so much more, and I am not sure he can deliver. I don't want to stay just because my son loves him so much. What should I do? -- HOPELESSLY VEXED

DEAR HOPELESSLY: I understand your position. You seem to want the whole package, and from what you have written, this person is not it. You should not have to support him, and he shouldn't expect it.

It appears that while the two of you care for each other, he simply cannot summon up the motivation to make the effort to better himself financially. Could you accept this in the long run? Is the status quo what you want forever? Bear in mind, if this man moves in, it will prevent you from finding a partner who is your equal in all ways.

DEAR ABBY: My son got married eight months ago. I recently found out he and his wife haven't sent thank-you notes to anyone. Some of our friends and family took time off work, traveled across the country, spent a lot of money on airfare, hotels, meals, as well as wedding gifts. I am mortified.

Abby, there were only 60 guests, so there were fewer than 30 thank-you notes to send. When I asked my son about it last week, he said they hadn't sent them because so much time had passed and it was too late. I told him it was inexcusable, and they need to get those notes written now because this is definitely a case of better late than never.

If they don't do it within the next week, I intend to contact my friends and family and thank them myself and apologize for their rudeness. My son was not raised to be ungrateful and rude. What do you think? -- FURIOUS IN ARIZONA

DEAR FURIOUS: What you have in mind may be well-intentioned, but it won't make up for your son and daughter-in-law's lack of courtesy. If they fail to contact the guests who made such an effort to attend their wedding, do not speak up on their behalf because it will only make them look worse.

DEAR ABBY: I married someone who turned out to be very abusive and controlling of me and the kids. I felt powerless to leave with them because of the emotional control, and I had no way to make a living to support them.

They are all adults now, and three of them have been in unhealthy relationships. I know their example of a good marriage or a long-term relationship was awful because of how their father treated me. I live with the guilt and pain of that, but beyond that, seeing three of my four kids in similar abusive relationships is painful.

When two of my girls reach out to me when things are not going well, I'm supportive and I try to be helpful. I guess my question is, given my example of an unhealthy marriage, will any advice I give them fall on deaf ears? Should I just listen? I don't feel like anything I say will help. -- UNHAPPY MOM IN THE SOUTH

DEAR UNHAPPY MOM: Of course you should listen, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't also weigh in on what is happening to them. It could be very helpful if you point out to them that what they witnessed while growing up was not normal -- and explain what IS acceptable behavior in an adult relationship.

You might also apologize for not being stronger earlier on, and explain that their father had eroded your self-esteem to such an extent that you were paralyzed. If their experiences mirror your own, point that out, too, and offer them the number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233). If you do, it might not only open their eyes, but also give them the escape they need.

DEAR ABBY: My siblings and I have always enjoyed spending quality time together, and every eight to 10 weeks or so we get together for "Siblings Day." There's no set schedule or particular date; one of us will call the others and say, "I need some siblings time." (There are five of us, all over 60.) Sometimes we meet at one of our homes and play board games or cards, or dance in the living room and enjoy the laughter that comes with it. It's a time when we just enjoy being family.

Our brother's lady friend, a very nice person, has arrived, uninvited, the last three times we have gotten together. Talk about a party-pooper. We have explained, as graciously as we know how, that these times are very important to us. Our brother has asked her to please allow us this time for family, but she just laughs and says it's silly for grown people to be so needy of each other. (She has six siblings who live close by and with whom she keeps in contact.)

We all love each other and are aware that life is truly short and that we are very lucky to still have this close bond when so many families do not. Can you suggest what we can do to make her understand what this time together means to us and that she is the ultimate uninvited guest? -- JUST THE SIBS IN LOUISIANA

DEAR SIBS: What gall! Your brother's girlfriend does not have the right to judge your family spending time with one another as "silly." It's the height of rudeness. Please point out to him that her behavior is an important red flag for him to consider. The next time she drops by uninvited, your brother should put his foot down and not let her intrude.

DEAR READERS: Today we remember the birthday of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., who in 1968 was martyred in the cause of civil rights. In that time of insanity, his was a voice of reason when he eloquently preached, "Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend."

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I relocated to a warmer climate a few years ago, putting us more than 1,000 miles away from my adult children. The kids all seem to think this trip was just for fun, and continue to ask me to "come home."

All three of them are busy with their own well-rounded lives, and the last few years we were there, their visits became less frequent and shorter. We are now in a state that is much more economical than our home state, and our health and well-being have greatly improved. How do I let them know, once and for all, that I AM home? -- LOVING THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR LOVING THE SOUTHWEST: A way to let them know would be to explain that the move has been a positive experience for you and your husband, so much so that your health has improved. Tell them the added bonus is that your living expenses have gone down, and with them, any stress about finances.

Let them know they are welcome to visit when it's convenient for all of you. But do NOT make it about the fact that when you lived close by, their visits became fewer and shorter, which would be regarded as a guilt trip. If you have other friends and relatives where your children live, it's likely you may be visiting that area occasionally, too.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently gained custody of my younger half-brother after a nasty legal battle with my father and stepmother. While we abhor what led to this, we are delighted my brother is in our home and our lives. With the exception of his parents, so is everyone else in our families.

My brother will be coming with us to family gatherings that include my dad and stepmother. Most of the family is not privy to the circumstances that led to this situation, and I'm sure questions will come up. My brother has PTSD from it, and talking about it right now is difficult for him. He's in therapy and receiving help, but how can we dissuade potentially upsetting questions without things being weird? -- PROTECTIVE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR PROTECTIVE: A way to accomplish it would be to have a private talk with your relatives before these events. Explain what happened and that your brother is receiving help but is in too much pain right now to answer any questions, which is why you prefer the subject not be mentioned.

DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to "Not Just Mary, in the South" (Nov. 10), the lady whose name is Mary Lou but is continually called only Mary, even though she prefers being called by her full name. I had the same problem.

My name is Mary Ann, but I was constantly called Mary, which I hated. To solve the problem, I combined the names and started writing my name as one word -- Maryann. Since then, I have never again been called Mary.

By the way, when I also had to give the initial of my middle name, because the "A" was no longer available, I started using "B," which is the first letter of my maiden name. Mary Lou should try this, and I hope it is as effective for her as it was for me. -- MARYANN IN TENNESSEE

DEAR MARYANN: I'm printing your letter because it included the most frequently mentioned suggestion by other readers, and also because it makes perfect sense. Thank you for sharing.