DEAR ABBY: Thirty years ago, a friend of my husband's roommate passed away of AIDS and was cremated. His family had ostracized him. I have no idea who they are or where they are. The roommate left and later died, also from AIDS. He left his friend's ashes in his old room in my husband's house in the San Francisco Bay area with instructions to scatter them in Hawaii.

The ashes have been sitting reverently in a cardboard box on a shelf in our several homes for all these 30 years. We are still together, but getting old. There is no paperwork of any kind. All we know about the deceased is his name and the fact that he was a friend.

Before I die, I would like to resolve this problem and arrange for the ashes to have a permanent resting place, preferably in Hawaii. I have a nephew who lives on the Big Island, where the scattering should take place. How should I proceed, in light of the no paperwork problem? -- MIKE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR MIKE: I applaud your caring heart and your determination to carry out this man's last wishes. I took your question to Joshua Slocum, executive director of the Funeral Consumers Alliance, and this is what he told me:

"There is no impediment to your taking the ashes and placing them where you wish since there are no relatives who have an interest in them. If you plan to carry them on an airplane, be sure to have them in a scannable container -- nothing metal or such heavy earthenware that an X-ray scanner would be prevented from seeing inside. There is no requirement that you carry a death certificate, or any other certificate, with you. You do not need 'papers' to walk around with an urn or to travel with one.

"As far as scattering goes, people scatter ashes all the time. Cremated remains are sterile calcium and no threat at all to the environment. While public lands usually discourage, or prohibit by rule, scattering of ashes, it is common practice that cannot be stopped. Use discretion and care -- there is no such thing as 'ashes police.'"

DEAR ABBY: I am older and on a fixed income. At times I still date, and I'm not sure how to handle this. After one or two dinners out or glasses of wine, etc., I feel my dates are waiting for me to treat them, and I can't afford it. I don't know how to explain that I don't have enough money to do that.

I'm a very giving person, and I would love to make them dinner if I knew them better. One time I brought someone a huge amount of beautiful organic vegetables, but that wasn't enough. He was really upset I didn't buy him wine on one of the dates. What to do? -- REALLY WISH I COULD

DEAR REALLY WISH: The person who was really upset that you didn't buy him wine on one of those dates should have been told that you are on a fixed income and it wasn't within your budget. You should also have told him you were reciprocating within your ability. If he needed a drink that badly, he could have paid for his own. You're lucky to be rid of him.

In the future, TELL the man you are seeing that after you know him better, you would love to treat him to some home-cooked meals, which might actually be nicer than what you can afford to buy him in a restaurant. He might appreciate both your candor and the food. If he doesn't, I think you will be lucky to be rid of him, too.

P.S. Have you considered paying the tab for a casual breakfast, lunch or a coffee/pastry date instead of dinner?

DEAR ABBY: We need advice about how to respond to friends and family who poke fun or show disdain because of our healthy lifestyle. We are in our 60s. We rarely eat out, and when we do, we avoid fast food. We cook most of our meals with an emphasis on vegetables, fruits, fish and chicken. We exercise regularly and have occasional treats. We have no chronic illnesses and aren't on any medications.

For some reason, our food choices rub people the wrong way. If we are asked why we are in good health, we answer, "Over the years, we've learned not to consume foods or beverages that make us feel bad." If we're invited out to eat and order the baked salmon with broccoli instead of the burger and fries, we hear, "Your diet is so boring." We usually laugh and shrug it off, but we don't think our diet is boring. We simply enjoy being healthy and know that food is "medicine." Should we continue to keep our mouths shut? -- HEALTHY LIVING

DEAR HEALTHY: YEP! Your friends and family react the way they do because seeing you eat the way you do makes them feel self-conscious about their own food choices. Continue laughing and shrugging to age 100. The others may not be as fortunate as you.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend recently discovered that I am still talking to another girl I used to date. I'll call her Kyra.

Kyra and I had agreed we would remain strictly friends, and the breakup was before I started dating my current girlfriend, "Jan." Jan is devastated by this, and I can somewhat understand why. She got cheated on multiple times in her last relationship.

Do you think I was crossing a boundary by wanting to maintain the friendship with Kyra? Or should I have dropped it when I started dating Jan? I'm asking you because everyone I talk to agrees with me, and everyone Jan talks to agrees with her. I assume it's because people agree with whoever is telling the story. You are unbiased, and your opinion would be greatly appreciated. -- DOING THE RIGHT THING IN UTAH

DEAR DOING: There's nothing wrong with remaining friends after a breakup. Jan is insecure because her last boyfriend cheated on her, and who can blame her? However, that is her problem, and you shouldn't make it yours. Your mistake was not telling Jan when you first started dating that you are still in touch with Kyra -- and that she's a platonic friend, nothing more. Jan does not have the right to control your friendships, and you shouldn't let it happen.

DEAR ABBY: How do you cut off a person who talks constantly without a break? By the time there's a lull in her speech, I have forgotten what I wanted to add to the conversation. -- WORD IN EDGEWISE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR WORD: I have encountered compulsive talkers like her. They are exhausting. Remember, she has to breathe sometime. The minute she starts to inhale, start talkin'!

DEAR ABBY: I don't know how to handle this. My husband of 29 years spends more time with his sister and her family than he does with me and our children. If I say anything about it, he jumps all over me, defending her. He says she doesn't have anyone to help her. But Abby, she has two grown sons and a husband she recently decided to divorce.

I think his relationship with his sister is weird, and other people have said they think so, too. One person even called it creepy. When I told my husband I thought it was a weird relationship, he yelled at me. I can no longer talk about his sister with him; it's off limits. Please help. -- ONLY THE WIFE

DEAR ONLY THE WIFE: Has your husband always been close to this sister? It may be the reason he is spending time with her. I'm sure she wouldn't be divorcing her husband if the marriage had been a bed of roses, and she may need private time with her brother to help her detoxify.

That said, that he spends more time with his sister than with you and the children is unusual. It makes me wonder about the state of your own marriage. If there is stress and tension the two of you can't resolve together, you may need to consult a licensed marriage and family therapist.

DEAR ABBY: Our 47-year-old son remarried two years ago. We have a 15-year-old grandson from his previous marriage who lives with his mom and who visits his dad every other weekend. We are not close with our new in-laws, who live out of state.

We recently found out that they have purchased a second home very close to our son. The problem is, the home is located within a nudist colony and, therefore, we assume they are in fact nudists. Should this be a problem for us (we are both 70), or should we not be concerned? -- WONDERING IN THE SOUTH

DEAR WONDERING: I don't think there is anything to be worried about. If you are concerned that your grandson will "see" something shocking, please know that he can find whatever he is curious about on his computer or cellphone. However, if you are worried that either of you will be forced to view or participate in nude activities when you visit your son, all you have to say is, "I think we'll stay at a nearby hotel, thank you."

DEAR ABBY: I recently attended a wedding and was videotaped while I was dancing. I was shown the tape later at a family gathering. I'm not a great dancer, and I looked silly, so I asked that the video be deleted. Instead, it was passed around and everyone laughed and made fun of me. It was embarrassing and hurtful.

My husband says I'm overreacting. Am I? I said nothing and don't intend to, but I can't get it out of my mind. -- DANCING FOOL IN OHIO

DEAR DANCING FOOL: Your feelings are your feelings. Nobody wants to be made fun of. But you have two choices: The first is to continue to stew about it. The second is to join in the laughter, admit you don't dance like a gazelle -- few people do -- and let it go. If you downplay it, it will go away.