DEAR ABBY: My brother- and sister-in-law were trying to have a baby using artificial insemination. A few months into the very difficult pregnancy, they were told the baby had many life-threatening defects and asked if they wanted to terminate because the baby had little, if any, chance of surviving. They chose to carry the baby to natural birth.

A month or so before she was due, she went into labor. The baby lived for only a few hours. They had a funeral, and it was a very sad event. A month later, on the due date, they started organizing a birthday party for their 10-year-old daughter and invited 30 to 40 people, young and old. They contacted my son and daughter-in-law, who had been pregnant at the same time and had given birth to a healthy baby, and asked them not to bring their newborn. Other babies a year old or older are invited.

How should we respond? Leave the baby and my daughter-in-law at home, or refuse the invitation? Was it proper for my brother-in-law and his wife to throw a party and unwelcome a newborn? -- LOST IN ETIQUETTE

DEAR LOST: Your brother-in-law and his family are in mourning. They have my deepest sympathy. If they felt it would be too painful after their loss to host a tiny baby at the birthday party, they should not be criticized. Your daughter-in-law should graciously refuse the invitation, saying she is sorry she will be unable to attend, and send a gift for the daughter.

DEAR ABBY: What do you think of barbers or beauticians who take phone calls and continue to talk to the callers while doing a client's hair? I haven't said anything because I don't want an angry person cutting my hair. It's almost like having a doctor talk on the phone while doing surgery. What do you think? -- HAIR-RAISING IN ILLINOIS

DEAR HAIR-RAISING: A short conversation to book an appointment is one thing, but what you have described is just plain rude. The first time the beautician did it you should have spoken up. Because you didn't, she/he thinks you don't mind.

Hairdressing is a service business, and the client in the chair should take priority. If you are really afraid your stylist would butcher your haircut in retaliation if you complain (talk about passive aggressive!), find someone else to provide this service.

DEAR ABBY: I have been a widow for three years. Sixteen years ago, my husband and I built a modest -- but nice -- home and worked very hard to pay off the mortgage early. I am constantly asked if I am going to stay in my home or if I plan to sell it. I have no intention of moving at this time or in the near future, if at all. Is there a good answer to give people when they keep asking this question? Do they think I am not capable of living in a house by myself? Any suggestions will be appreciated. -- HAPPY AT HOME

DEAR HAPPY: When someone asks that question, rather than become defensive, say, "Why do you ask?" Then let the person explain the reason behind it. Instead of implying that you are no longer capable of living alone, the questioner may be considering making an offer to buy it from you.

DEAR ABBY: My stepdaughter recently married a convicted rapist. She refuses to believe he raped an elderly woman even though there was corroborating DNA evidence. While he admitted his guilt in front of a judge and spent some time in jail, the conviction was later overturned, after which he denied his culpability.

My stepdaughter has two young children from a prior marriage and she's now pregnant with his child. They live in another state. I am a rape survivor. I am absolutely adamant that this man is not welcome in my home.

I do not want to negatively affect my husband's relationship with his daughter, but her decision to become a family with this individual has been difficult for me. She's planning to visit, and I -- and others in our families -- have no idea what to even say to her. How do we handle social interactions? Please help. -- STAYING FIRM IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR STAYING FIRM: Because you do not want the husband under your roof, your husband should entertain them separately away from your home. If you have to see them, be warm and cordial to your stepdaughter and nonconfrontational to her husband. I advise the same for the other family members whom she plans to visit.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 35 years. For the last seven years, we have been separated. He treated me badly, and finally, I refused to take it, so I left him. I moved out, bought a car and bought a home, all on my own. I'm proud of myself.

We have tried marriage counseling, but I felt like we were just going through the motions. He has pressured me in the past about getting back together, but I know he will go right back to his old behavior.

My question is, when is it time to get a divorce? I'm confused about just being separated because it makes me feel I'm in limbo. -- IN-BETWEEN IN COLORADO

DEAR IN-BETWEEN: You ARE in limbo. You tried marriage counseling; it didn't help you trust that your husband wouldn't continue to abuse you. Call a lawyer. After seven years (!) of separation, the time to formally untie the knot is now.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 35 years. For the last seven years, we have been separated. He treated me badly, and finally, I refused to take it, so I left him. I moved out, bought a car and bought a home, all on my own. I'm proud of myself.

We have tried marriage counseling, but I felt like we were just going through the motions. He has pressured me in the past about getting back together, but I know he will go right back to his old behavior.

My question is, when is it time to get a divorce? I'm confused about just being separated because it makes me feel I'm in limbo. -- IN-BETWEEN IN COLORADO

DEAR IN-BETWEEN: You ARE in limbo. You tried marriage counseling; it didn't help you trust that your husband wouldn't continue to abuse you. Call a lawyer. After seven years (!) of separation, the time to formally untie the knot is now.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I recently hosted some longtime friends for a few days while they were passing through our area on vacation. We had a fine time reconnecting, although my wife commented after they left that they seemed to have "slowed down a bit" -- to which I responded, "Yeah. Us, too, I guess."

We just received an email from that couple's adult daughter, with whom we're also friendly, asking about our perceptions of her parents' well-being. We are not comfortable responding to her very pointed questions about their eating habits, bedtimes, taking of medications, mental sharpness, etc. while they stayed with us. Is this kind of inquiry common today, or do these folks have "helicopter kids"? -- ANYWHERE, USA

DEAR ANYWHERE: If it's common, I'm unaware of it. It's the first question of this kind that I have received. Clearly, the daughter has noticed something going on with her parents that has her worried. Because "the kids" are so concerned about their parents' welfare that they feel compelled to ask these kinds of questions, perhaps they should travel with them so they can supervise.

If you choose to answer that email, an appropriate response would be, "I think we have all slowed down a little, but if you want to know what your folks ate (etc.) while they were with us, you should ask them."

DEAR ABBY: Years ago, a gentleman wrote to you asking what he should get his aged parents who didn't need another "thing." You suggested he write them a letter telling them why he was thankful for them. He wrote you back later telling you he had taken your advice, how much it meant to his father and that, shortly afterward, his father died.

I immediately wrote each of my parents a letter listing the things I learned from them and what I cherished about them. It was the perfect, most meaningful thing I could have done for them. They have since passed on. I am so thankful that I was able to do that for them.

I have read your column for about 35 years. It is always respectful and full of common sense. Thank you. -- GRATEFUL IN COEUR D'ALENE, IDAHO

DEAR GRATEFUL: You're welcome. I'm glad you picked up on the suggestion and that it made your parents happy. I can think of few people who would not welcome -- and treasure -- a love letter if it's sincere.

DEAR ABBY: I lost my hubby after 50 happy years, and yet I don't cry. What's wrong with me? -- GRIEVING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR GRIEVING: There is nothing wrong with you. If your husband was ill for a period of time before his death, you may have had more than enough time to grieve his loss as he was slipping away. If his passing was sudden, you may be in shock, which is why your tears won't come. Not everyone grieves in the same way, drowning in an ocean of tears, so please do not judge yourself harshly -- or at all.