life

Boss Shrugs Off Concerns About Raunchy Talk at Work

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 4th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband works with a group of men who often become vulgar in their conversations. My husband was raised to have respect and dignity, so he is uncomfortable with it.

The men discuss their wives and girlfriends in explicit detail. Some of them have daughters. It is just insane! Would they want someone talking about their daughters like that?!

My husband tries to ignore it or change the subject. Although he gets stressed about it, he can't go to the boss because his boss chimes in. The boss once said, "Oh, it's just men talking." My husband finds the whole thing disrespectful. He could go to Human Resources, but he's not sure he should. What should he do? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN WYOMING

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: Your husband should not have to be subjected to conversations in the workplace that make him uncomfortable. He should have spoken up when it first happened. And he should still make his feelings known and bow out of these interactions. If HR in that company is strong enough to institute some rules that will be respected, he should alert someone there to the uncomfortable work environment in his department.

Work & SchoolMarriage & Divorce
life

Widow Ready to Date Again Is Unsure About Sex

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 4th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm a widow of two years who is taking my first steps getting back out there into the dating world. The dating sites scare me for lots of reasons. My biggest concern is the sexual part of dating. How do you know if the person is healthy? Do you ask if they have been tested lately, or ever? Should I have to ask if they have protection?

I'm way past getting pregnant, but I don't want any surprises either. I do plan on getting to know the man before I get to the romantic part, but would like to know how to address my concerns. -- READY TO MOVE FORWARD

DEAR READY: You are a wise lady. According to the Centers for Disease Control, STDs like herpes, gonorrhea, hepatitis B and trichomoniasis are spreading like wildfire. In 2017, nearly 2.3 million cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis were reported in the United States. You should also be aware that 1 in 6 new cases of HIV diagnosed were among people over the age of 50.

This is why, before getting to the "romantic part," it is imperative you have a frank, honest, open discussion about sexually transmitted diseases and to refrain from having unprotected sexual contact unless you and your partner are in an exclusive relationship and you both have been tested, preferably together.

Love & DatingDeathSex & Gender
life

Ring on Friend's Finger Looks Suspiciously Familiar

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 4th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: This may seem a bit crazy. While out to dinner with friends, I noticed a ring on my girlfriend's finger. My husband and I had traveled with them in Portugal last year. About the same time, I lost a ring that closely resembled the one my friend was wearing. What's the best way to ask her where she got it without sounding accusatory? The ring is unique, and I think it is mine. I look forward to your advice on handling this. -- LOST RING UP NORTH

DEAR LOST RING: Ask your friend if she "found" that lovely ring because it is similar to one you lost during that trip to Portugal. If she denies it, drop the subject unless you prefer to drop the friend.

Friends & Neighbors
life

Full-Time Trucker Parks Too Long in Son's Small Apartment

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 3rd, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My widowed mother-in-law, "Minnie," works full time as a trucker, traveling around the U.S. She doesn't have a home of her own since she lives on the road. My husband and I live in a small one-bedroom apartment. When she's here for holidays or family functions, she always sleeps on our couch.

At first I didn't mind once or twice for holidays, but since my niece was born, Minnie wants to be home more to visit with her. My husband's brother has a large home and plenty of space, but Minnie never stays there because she doesn't like my sister-in-law. Minnie is also irresponsible about letting us know when she's coming and how long she will be staying. One night can turn into a week.

I have had many conversations and some blowout fights with my husband over this issue. He's the older brother and feels guilty about asking her to stay at a hotel. My sister-in-law doesn't help the situation. She sabotages holidays and events to ensure Minnie won't feel comfortable staying there. I don't know how I will manage to get through the holidays this year. Help! -- DREADING IT IN THE EAST

DEAR DREADING: Blowout fights with your husband are detrimental to your marriage. Because he appears to be unable to summon the backbone to have an honest conversation with his mother, I guess it's up to you.

Explain to Minnie that the current arrangement isn't working. Tell her twice-a-year visits for holidays and family functions were manageable, but in the future, if she's unwilling to stay in her younger son's home, she should arrange to stay at a hotel or motel for those "extra" visits.

Family & ParentingMarriage & DivorceHolidays & Celebrations
life

Accommodating Vegan Family Members Feels Like a One-Way Street

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 3rd, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Some of my extended family members have become vegan. When they come to my home, I make sure to have appropriate food for them, in addition to nonvegan food for others. When I am invited to their homes for a celebration, they offer only vegan selections. No one is allowed to bring nonvegan or meat-based dishes to their home.

It has reached the point that I no longer want to go there when a meal is involved. I have tried talking to them about this, but their reply is, "No meat allowed in our home." I now leave before mealtime because I don't like a lot of their dishes.

Is it common for vegans to prohibit guests from ever taking other food into their home? Thanks for any light you can shed on this. -- MEAT LOVER IN HOUSTON

DEAR MEAT LOVER: People become vegans for a variety of reasons. Some do because they feel it is unethical to kill animals for food. Others do it because they feel raising animals for slaughter is harmful to the planet. People also become vegans for health reasons.

Individuals who adopt this way of life often feel as your relatives do, and that's their privilege. If it impinges on your freedom or limits your enjoyment of these celebrations, forgo them and either participate in get-togethers that don't include food or go to an accommodating restaurant.

Family & ParentingEtiquette & Ethics
life

Woman Is Reluctant To Tell Fiance About New Religion

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 2nd, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my 30s with a good head on my shoulders, but I have a dilemma. I recently became Wiccan, and I'm hiding my new religion from my fiance.

I was raised Protestant but have drifted away from Christianity. My fiance was raised Catholic but no longer practices. He's not actively involved in any religion, but I'm worried about how he will react to learning that I'm now a "witch," which is just a broad term for anyone who follows the Wiccan spiritual path. I don't want him to think I've lost my mind, but I also can't keep hiding my beliefs from him. Secrets are never a positive thing in a relationship, but I'm worried about how this news will be received. Please help. -- WEST VIRGINIA WICCAN

DEAR WICCAN: I agree this isn't a secret you should keep. If it were me, I would start disclosing the information slowly, sharing Wiccan literature, telling him I found it fascinating, and sharing a few of the principles with him. Refrain from hitting him over the head with an announcement of your conversion and it will be less shocking.

Love & Dating
life

Holiday Season Poses Gift-Giving Question for New Boss

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 2nd, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have a new boss. He is a very nice man. With the Christmas season approaching, how do I communicate to him that I do not want to exchange gifts? I don't want him to feel obligated to give me anything. It may be presumptuous of me to think he may want to. I believe this is his first supervisory position, and he may not even think about gifts.

We have very little contact. I have been the receptionist for our building for many years and do not require much supervision. We are in different parts of the building, and he stops by occasionally to see how I'm doing. My previous boss, a woman I reported to for many years, and I would exchange gifts because we were friends. -- CORDIAL IN TEXAS

DEAR CORDIAL: I do not recommend mentioning gifts to your new boss. It is entirely possible that he won't be gifting you anything this Christmas. However, on the chance that he might, keep a little something in your desk drawer just in case. A small, prepackaged fruitcake might be nice. You can always use it as a doorstop or a hockey puck if he doesn't drop by with a gift in hand.

Holidays & CelebrationsWork & School
life

Man Questions End of Sex After Marriage

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 2nd, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Why do women stop having sex after marriage? This is my second marriage. We have been married two years, and to date we have had sex three times. Before marriage we had a great sex life, but the day I said "I do" it stopped. I'm not the only man who is faced with this problem. -- NEED AN ANSWER

DEAR NEED: Something is wrong with this picture. Not all women stop having sex after marriage. The two of you are long overdue for a frank conversation because this isn't fair to you. Could your wife's lack of interest be medical or emotional? Do you get along otherwise? Did this happen with your first wife, too? If the answer to that question is yes, your technique may need some polishing, or your wives may not have enjoyed sex before or after your weddings.

Marriage & DivorceSex & Gender

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