life

Woman Is Reluctant To Tell Fiance About New Religion

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 2nd, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my 30s with a good head on my shoulders, but I have a dilemma. I recently became Wiccan, and I'm hiding my new religion from my fiance.

I was raised Protestant but have drifted away from Christianity. My fiance was raised Catholic but no longer practices. He's not actively involved in any religion, but I'm worried about how he will react to learning that I'm now a "witch," which is just a broad term for anyone who follows the Wiccan spiritual path. I don't want him to think I've lost my mind, but I also can't keep hiding my beliefs from him. Secrets are never a positive thing in a relationship, but I'm worried about how this news will be received. Please help. -- WEST VIRGINIA WICCAN

DEAR WICCAN: I agree this isn't a secret you should keep. If it were me, I would start disclosing the information slowly, sharing Wiccan literature, telling him I found it fascinating, and sharing a few of the principles with him. Refrain from hitting him over the head with an announcement of your conversion and it will be less shocking.

Love & Dating
life

Holiday Season Poses Gift-Giving Question for New Boss

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 2nd, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have a new boss. He is a very nice man. With the Christmas season approaching, how do I communicate to him that I do not want to exchange gifts? I don't want him to feel obligated to give me anything. It may be presumptuous of me to think he may want to. I believe this is his first supervisory position, and he may not even think about gifts.

We have very little contact. I have been the receptionist for our building for many years and do not require much supervision. We are in different parts of the building, and he stops by occasionally to see how I'm doing. My previous boss, a woman I reported to for many years, and I would exchange gifts because we were friends. -- CORDIAL IN TEXAS

DEAR CORDIAL: I do not recommend mentioning gifts to your new boss. It is entirely possible that he won't be gifting you anything this Christmas. However, on the chance that he might, keep a little something in your desk drawer just in case. A small, prepackaged fruitcake might be nice. You can always use it as a doorstop or a hockey puck if he doesn't drop by with a gift in hand.

Holidays & CelebrationsWork & School
life

Man Questions End of Sex After Marriage

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 2nd, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Why do women stop having sex after marriage? This is my second marriage. We have been married two years, and to date we have had sex three times. Before marriage we had a great sex life, but the day I said "I do" it stopped. I'm not the only man who is faced with this problem. -- NEED AN ANSWER

DEAR NEED: Something is wrong with this picture. Not all women stop having sex after marriage. The two of you are long overdue for a frank conversation because this isn't fair to you. Could your wife's lack of interest be medical or emotional? Do you get along otherwise? Did this happen with your first wife, too? If the answer to that question is yes, your technique may need some polishing, or your wives may not have enjoyed sex before or after your weddings.

Marriage & DivorceSex & Gender
life

Son Begs Parents To Bless Reconciliation With Girlfriend

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 1st, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My 40-year-old son has been in a volatile on-again, off-again relationship with a woman who has physically and emotionally abused him repeatedly. He's an Iraq War veteran with issues of his own, including a previous marriage and messy divorce from a narcissistic woman. They share custody of two grade school-age children. The current woman has grown children, plus a pre-teen boy (with issues also). The last time they split up, my husband made it clear that she would never be welcome in our home again because of her violent temper. We don't condone that behavior.

Our son has now decided he thinks he "loves her." He wants us to give our blessing, including having her in our home and being one big happy family. We are sure this "reunion" will come with her assurances that she has changed, and it will never happen again.

Abby, we want our son to be happy, but we recognize that a leopard doesn't change her spots. We also don't want our young grandchildren in a toxic environment again. What should we do? Please don't tell me he needs to go to counseling because he says he is. Help! -- SEEING CLEARLY IN NEW YORK

DEAR SEEING: When you stated that your son is asking you for your blessing, including having this woman in your home and being one big happy family, did he mean LIVING there with you? If that's not the case, you can bless it, but your answer should be no if it means they will live under your roof. It would be healthier for all of you if they have living arrangements of their own. That way, you can see her only when she is on her good behavior, and if she backslides, the drama won't be in your home. The added bonus is that your son will have a refuge if he needs it. (I'd give anything to know how his therapist views this.)

Family & ParentingMarriage & Divorce
life

Birthday Gift-Giving Threatens to Splinter Group of Friends

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 1st, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: This may seem like a trivial problem, but it has our little group of friends on the verge of breaking up. We meet monthly. There are seven of us.

Two of them don't want to exchange birthday presents when one or two of us have a birthday because they say they can't afford it. By the way, their lifestyle is quite lavish. The rest of us enjoy giving small gifts (and they are small -- less than $10), or a gift card for the restaurant we are meeting at that night. We have told them a card is fine.

They are now threatening to stop coming unless we stop giving gifts because it makes them feel bad. It seems like they don't want to make the effort, and we feel like we are being held hostage. What's the solution? We love these ladies and don't want them to stop coming. Christmas is approaching, and five of us want to exchange presents, but they don't. Thanks for your opinion. It will matter to all of us. -- TRADITIONALIST IN FLORIDA

DEAR TRADITIONALIST: Because these ladies are uncomfortable with the idea of exchanging gifts on special occasions, they should be told their presence is not expected when those exchanges happen -- specifically Christmas, birthdays, etc. There will still be plenty of other times to get together -- and that way no one will be uncomfortable. Under no circumstances should you allow them to dictate what the rest of you do!

Friends & NeighborsHolidays & Celebrations
life

For Hopeful Mom-To-Be, Timing Will Be Everything

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 30th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently celebrated our first anniversary and have decided we're ready to start a family. Our first month of trying has not been successful. My newly engaged cousin has just announced her wedding date. If our second month of trying is successful, my due date will fall just two days prior to their wedding.

I'm extremely close with my family, especially this particular cousin because we are so close in age. The thought of missing out on such a special day for them makes me upset. Plus, if I should go into labor the day of the wedding, not only would my husband and I be unable to attend but neither would my parents or sister because they would want to be by my side. That seems unfair to my cousin. Although I know she would understand, I would feel guilty.

When I brought up the idea of taking the month off from trying so the dates don't overlap, I knew my husband would be upset. But he wasn't just upset, he was furious! He told me I was being completely unreasonable and that it was the most absurd thing he's ever heard. (Mind you, he can be a little dramatic when he's upset.)

All I want to do is start trying again the next month so I would be due the month after the wedding. I never said I didn't want a baby, just that I want the opportunity to share in the joy of my cousin's big day. Am I being insensitive? -- TIMING IT RIGHT IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR TIMING: I don't think you are being insensitive. I do think you are overthinking this. Most people do not conceive on their first try. Sometimes it takes several tries -- or more. Pregnant women do not always deliver on schedule. So please, rather than worry about your cousin's wedding, let things progress in their own time. If you do, you will have less drama in your life to contend with.

Family & ParentingHolidays & Celebrations
life

Widow Clings to Late Husband's Belongings

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 30th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband passed away in early 2014. I haven't been able to get rid of or give away any of his stuff. He was a successful structural engineer with licenses in 12 states. He liked to go hiking every weekend "to clear his head." He has a collection of souvenir small metal buildings and ashtrays of civil or structural significance.

Abby, I'm just not sure how to start to move on. Granted, I'm no spring chicken -- I just turned 70 -- but it would be sweet to find another partner. To do that, I know I've got to lose the stuff. Maybe writing to you is helping me to sort it out. I would appreciate knowing your thoughts on the subject. -- SORTING THINGS OUT IN FLORIDA

DEAR SORTING THINGS OUT: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your husband. No one can dictate when a widow or widower should start donating their deceased spouse's belongings. Grieving is an individual process, and the timing isn't the same for everyone. This project doesn't have to be done all at once.

Now that you are ready, contact a thrift store and ask what items they would welcome. The collection of souvenirs may or may not be valuable. An appraiser could help you to determine that. If your husband belonged to any organizations affiliated with his career, contact them to see if any of the members would be interested in acquiring it.

As to finding another partner, the solution is to make it your business to mingle, be social and scope out dating sites for seniors. If you need help, have a single friend or relative help you put together a profile and show you the ropes so you can do it safely.

DeathLove & Dating

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