life

For Hopeful Mom-To-Be, Timing Will Be Everything

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 30th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently celebrated our first anniversary and have decided we're ready to start a family. Our first month of trying has not been successful. My newly engaged cousin has just announced her wedding date. If our second month of trying is successful, my due date will fall just two days prior to their wedding.

I'm extremely close with my family, especially this particular cousin because we are so close in age. The thought of missing out on such a special day for them makes me upset. Plus, if I should go into labor the day of the wedding, not only would my husband and I be unable to attend but neither would my parents or sister because they would want to be by my side. That seems unfair to my cousin. Although I know she would understand, I would feel guilty.

When I brought up the idea of taking the month off from trying so the dates don't overlap, I knew my husband would be upset. But he wasn't just upset, he was furious! He told me I was being completely unreasonable and that it was the most absurd thing he's ever heard. (Mind you, he can be a little dramatic when he's upset.)

All I want to do is start trying again the next month so I would be due the month after the wedding. I never said I didn't want a baby, just that I want the opportunity to share in the joy of my cousin's big day. Am I being insensitive? -- TIMING IT RIGHT IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR TIMING: I don't think you are being insensitive. I do think you are overthinking this. Most people do not conceive on their first try. Sometimes it takes several tries -- or more. Pregnant women do not always deliver on schedule. So please, rather than worry about your cousin's wedding, let things progress in their own time. If you do, you will have less drama in your life to contend with.

Holidays & CelebrationsFamily & Parenting
life

Widow Clings to Late Husband's Belongings

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 30th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband passed away in early 2014. I haven't been able to get rid of or give away any of his stuff. He was a successful structural engineer with licenses in 12 states. He liked to go hiking every weekend "to clear his head." He has a collection of souvenir small metal buildings and ashtrays of civil or structural significance.

Abby, I'm just not sure how to start to move on. Granted, I'm no spring chicken -- I just turned 70 -- but it would be sweet to find another partner. To do that, I know I've got to lose the stuff. Maybe writing to you is helping me to sort it out. I would appreciate knowing your thoughts on the subject. -- SORTING THINGS OUT IN FLORIDA

DEAR SORTING THINGS OUT: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your husband. No one can dictate when a widow or widower should start donating their deceased spouse's belongings. Grieving is an individual process, and the timing isn't the same for everyone. This project doesn't have to be done all at once.

Now that you are ready, contact a thrift store and ask what items they would welcome. The collection of souvenirs may or may not be valuable. An appraiser could help you to determine that. If your husband belonged to any organizations affiliated with his career, contact them to see if any of the members would be interested in acquiring it.

As to finding another partner, the solution is to make it your business to mingle, be social and scope out dating sites for seniors. If you need help, have a single friend or relative help you put together a profile and show you the ropes so you can do it safely.

Love & DatingDeath
life

Despondency Intensifies as Cold Weather Approaches

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 29th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I've been thinking about suicide a lot lately, more than usual. I'm not angry about anything, just in pain. I keep getting knocked down after I try so hard to pick myself up. I tried calling a hotline, gave up on that. (I guess they're busy.) I can't afford doctors and psychiatrists.

The weather's changing, and I don't do well in the cold. I always get down when the temperatures drop. I love my home, but sometimes I wonder if I'm really happy here. I can't imagine leaving.

My kids live within a couple hours' drive. They have beautiful kids of their own. I'm going to miss them dearly. I no longer feel I have anything to offer in other aspects of my life. I wonder why I have to just exist. I've heard people say when someone dies "at least they're not in pain anymore." That sounds pretty good to me.

I guess I just really wanted to get this off my chest. I don't expect a miracle, but thanks for listening. -- ANONYMOUS IN ARKANSAS

DEAR ANONYMOUS: You're welcome. I'm glad you shared your feelings. You are not alone, and there is help for you. Pick up the phone and call 800-273-8255. It's the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, and it is staffed 24 hours a day by people who can help you to form coping strategies for your depression. I don't know what number you called the first time -- you may have misdialed -- but there IS help available, and no one is "too busy" to provide it. You simply have to reach out for it. Please don't wait.

Mental Health
life

Wife Changes Course in Move to Australia

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 29th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been together for 30 years, married for 20. We have two sons living at home, a 20-year-old who works full-time and a 17-year-old who is graduating from high school in the spring.

I have been offered a transfer to Australia by my employer -- a transfer I had asked for. When we discussed it in the past, everyone was all for it. My oldest can likely stay with the multinational hotel chain he works for now, and I can get my youngest a decent career in my field of work as there is a tremendous shortage of skilled labor in Australia.

Now my wife tells me she can't leave her family, especially her father, who has Parkinson's. I have told her she can expect to return every summer to our condo on the beach and an additional two trips per year.

Abby, I thought our vows meant we would be together forever, wherever. My employer will soon begin the process of opening the Australian office, a process I will be part of and likely train the new hire. I am bitter and resentful toward my wife, and it is affecting my attitude toward her. I love her, but I am struggling to get over the fact she is denying me a very lucrative opportunity. Advice? -- LOSING OUT IN CANADA

DEAR LOSING OUT: It's time for you and your wife to put your heads together and work out a solution. By that I mean you should accept the lucrative business opportunity you have been offered, and your wife can take care of her father as long as she needs to. Unless his condition is critical, she can visit you and your sons periodically so it shouldn't put too much strain on your marriage. I hope you will consider it because the kind of resentment you are feeling now can destroy a marriage.

MoneyFamily & ParentingWork & SchoolMarriage & Divorce
life

Girlfriend Learns the Secret Behind Man's Cheap Rent

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 28th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I moved in with my boyfriend, "Greg," three years ago into the tiny but very economical house he rents. It's cheaper than all other rentals in our area and allows us to save for a home of our own one day. However, after many months, I have discovered to my dismay that our landlord is the mother of his ex-girlfriend. And the ex is acting manager of the property we live on! This means that, for as long as I've lived here, Greg's ex and her mom have been in frequent contact with him and are an inescapable part of our lives.

Greg gets along fine with them and doesn't want to move because of high rents elsewhere, but I'm very uncomfortable with the awkwardness of our living situation. Am I being too sensitive, or should my boyfriend never have lived there in the first place? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: Now, now ... let's keep our eye on the goal line. Your boyfriend's objective (and yours) is to save enough money to eventually own a place of your own. His ex and her mother are a means to an end. It would be a big mistake not to recognize that they could be charging far more for your lodgings. Concentrate on that and stop looking a gift horse in the mouth.

MoneyLove & Dating
life

Houseguests Do Laundry Before Packing for Home

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 28th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I recently hosted a large family for a week in our home. On our last day together, the mother asked if she could run "a quick load" of laundry. I said OK, figuring she might be running low on unmentionables.

Abby, she did five large loads of laundry and spent half of our last day together folding everything up and packing their bags for home. I wouldn't deny anyone a quick load, but I think she took advantage of me. I was very disappointed that our last day together was wasted doing laundry. Is this a "thing" now? Your thoughts, please. -- HUNG OUT TO DRY IN ARIZONA

DEAR HUNG OUT: You were trying to be helpful, and the woman did take advantage of your generosity by mischaracterizing her intentions. If, however, you had other plans for the last morning of the visit, when you saw her start her second (or third) load, you should have spoken up and drawn the line.

Friends & NeighborsEtiquette & EthicsFamily & Parenting
life

Daughters Are Solicited for Bone Marrow Testing at Birthday Party

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 28th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: At a recent children's birthday party, my adult daughters were approached by a family acquaintance about getting bone marrow tested. This acquaintance told them he is dying and desperate for a donor match. My daughters were, of course, very sad to hear his story and willingly submitted to the cheek swab, but I want to get your opinion. -- PUT ON THE SPOT

DEAR PUT ON THE SPOT: If you are hoping I will tell you that what that dying man did was wrong, I can't do that. People with a terminal illness will grasp at any straw they can find to have more precious time on this side of the sod. That your daughters agreed to be tested was generous and kind. You have raised two terrific daughters, and I applaud them.

Etiquette & EthicsDeathHolidays & Celebrations

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