life

Girlfriend Learns the Secret Behind Man's Cheap Rent

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 28th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I moved in with my boyfriend, "Greg," three years ago into the tiny but very economical house he rents. It's cheaper than all other rentals in our area and allows us to save for a home of our own one day. However, after many months, I have discovered to my dismay that our landlord is the mother of his ex-girlfriend. And the ex is acting manager of the property we live on! This means that, for as long as I've lived here, Greg's ex and her mom have been in frequent contact with him and are an inescapable part of our lives.

Greg gets along fine with them and doesn't want to move because of high rents elsewhere, but I'm very uncomfortable with the awkwardness of our living situation. Am I being too sensitive, or should my boyfriend never have lived there in the first place? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: Now, now ... let's keep our eye on the goal line. Your boyfriend's objective (and yours) is to save enough money to eventually own a place of your own. His ex and her mother are a means to an end. It would be a big mistake not to recognize that they could be charging far more for your lodgings. Concentrate on that and stop looking a gift horse in the mouth.

Love & DatingMoney
life

Houseguests Do Laundry Before Packing for Home

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 28th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I recently hosted a large family for a week in our home. On our last day together, the mother asked if she could run "a quick load" of laundry. I said OK, figuring she might be running low on unmentionables.

Abby, she did five large loads of laundry and spent half of our last day together folding everything up and packing their bags for home. I wouldn't deny anyone a quick load, but I think she took advantage of me. I was very disappointed that our last day together was wasted doing laundry. Is this a "thing" now? Your thoughts, please. -- HUNG OUT TO DRY IN ARIZONA

DEAR HUNG OUT: You were trying to be helpful, and the woman did take advantage of your generosity by mischaracterizing her intentions. If, however, you had other plans for the last morning of the visit, when you saw her start her second (or third) load, you should have spoken up and drawn the line.

Family & ParentingEtiquette & EthicsFriends & Neighbors
life

Daughters Are Solicited for Bone Marrow Testing at Birthday Party

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 28th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: At a recent children's birthday party, my adult daughters were approached by a family acquaintance about getting bone marrow tested. This acquaintance told them he is dying and desperate for a donor match. My daughters were, of course, very sad to hear his story and willingly submitted to the cheek swab, but I want to get your opinion. -- PUT ON THE SPOT

DEAR PUT ON THE SPOT: If you are hoping I will tell you that what that dying man did was wrong, I can't do that. People with a terminal illness will grasp at any straw they can find to have more precious time on this side of the sod. That your daughters agreed to be tested was generous and kind. You have raised two terrific daughters, and I applaud them.

Holidays & CelebrationsDeathEtiquette & Ethics
life

Old Flame Is on Man's Mind While Marriage Loses Intimacy

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 27th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am in a 14-year marriage, but there has always been another woman, "Emily," I have thought about almost daily the whole time. My wife and I have just turned 40. We have no kids, but we have a dog. I always thought I would want kids, and we tried half-heartedly, but there is no real intimacy to this day. I kiss her goodbye in the morning and, for years, that's been it.

Emily is all in on a relationship with me still to this day. We had a great relationship with great sex, and I miss all of that. I'm struggling about the right thing to do, partly because I know the pain this will cause.

My wife and I still have good times together with friends, but when we're home, it's like we're just best friends with no benefits. One of the last times we had sex, she ended it abruptly. The flame I felt for her is gone. I feel like I should go the other direction because she wants kids and still loves me deeply after all these years. Please advise. -- WRESTLING WITH IT IN WISCONSIN

DEAR WRESTLING: Clearly you have never stopped talking to Emily. Quit "wrestling" and talk with your wife. She may have ended your last sexual encounter because it was physically painful or because she no longer feels emotionally connected to you.

The person who can help you determine what to do next is the woman to whom you are married. Whether this marriage is salvageable is debatable, but this I do know: A healthy marriage takes TWO committed individuals, and in this case, one of them (you) has been missing in action.

Marriage & DivorceSex & Gender
life

Wife Fights Cellphone Addiction With Obsession of Her Own

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 27th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am an older woman who finally got fed up with my husband's cellphone addiction. Since he would no longer speak to me but spent all his time scrolling on his device, I went out and bought a realistic-looking baby doll. When he pulled out his cell, I pulled out my doll. I talked to it, fiddled with its buttons and carried it everywhere. He finally yelled at me, "It's not real!" to which I replied, "It's real; it's just not alive. LIKE YOUR CELLPHONE."

This final scene was played out in the dining room of our country club, which was filled with members. The phone and "baby" stayed in the car after that. We laugh about it now, and she's resting comfortably in her carrier, just in case she's ever needed again. -- THOUGHT I'D SHARE THIS

DEAR THOUGHT: I hesitate to endorse implied threats in marital disagreements, but your solution worked -- brilliantly. So who am I to argue with success? Congratulations!

Marriage & Divorce
life

A Prayer for Thanksgiving

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 27th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR READERS: Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and no Thanksgiving would be complete without sharing the traditional prayer penned by my dear late mother:

Oh, Heavenly Father,

We thank Thee for food and remember the hungry.

We thank Thee for health and remember the sick.

We thank Thee for friends and remember the friendless.

We thank Thee for freedom and remember the enslaved.

May these remembrances stir us to service.

That Thy gifts to us may be used for others.

Amen.

Have a safe and happy celebration, everyone! -- Love, ABBY

Holidays & Celebrations
life

Mom Weighs When To Tell Her Son How He Came To Be

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 26th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I very much wanted a child and used an egg donor to become parents. We are eternally grateful to the semi-anonymous donor (we have limited information on her) and love our 11-year-old son more than anything. We have told him that I needed help (for example, lots of shots) to become pregnant, but have not given him more information than that.

Now, I'm wrestling with how much to tell him and when. Part of me says he's our son -- period -- and that's all he needs to know. The other part of me says it's not something I'm ashamed of.

Truly I am grateful, yet with today's inexpensive DNA tests, I worry that a stranger will knock on our door one day and want contact with him. He has a family who loves him. What do we do? We are very private people. What's the best way to handle this? I love my son and want to be honest, yet protect him and allow him to focus on his/our family. -- MIDWEST MOM

DEAR MOM: Secrets like the one you are tempted to keep have a way of taking on a life of their own. Your son will eventually need to know his biological mother's and maternal grandparents' medical information.

If he has been learning anything about biology in school, he should already be aware that birds, bees and babies come from fertilized eggs. Not knowing his level of emotional maturity, I can't put a number on when he should be told. However, the longer you withhold the information, the greater the chances are that he will feel you weren't truthful with him.

If you want him to focus on "his/your" family, you must level with him, and when you do, let him know how much you wanted him and that you love him with all your heart.

Family & Parenting
life

Insecure Teen Gets Little Sympathy From Dad

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 26th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Lately, I have been feeling down with myself. For the last year or two, I have been really insecure about the way I look or act.

I'm overweight, and compared to my grandmother, I look like I'm pregnant. The way I act is strange. I talk to myself when I'm alone. I prefer to keep to myself and don't really have any friends. At school, I eat lunch alone at my own table (literally).

I suffer from depression and anxiety, yet my dad says I'm just overreacting. My sister talks bad about me every day. I used to cut, not because I'm suicidal, but because I wanted to feel something different for once. Dad forced me to stop.

I'm sorry this is all jumbled up. I'm not great at explaining how I feel. How do I fix me? -- HIDDEN IN PLAIN SIGHT

DEAR HIDDEN: If it's any comfort, many people talk to themselves. When I do it and someone catches me, I explain that I'm talking with my "most interesting conversationalist."

I am, however, concerned that you are socially isolated. This is something you should discuss with your school counselor. There is a national organization called Beyond Differences that is dedicated to ending social isolation among young people. It started a program called "No One Eats Alone." It's their most popular program, and schools in all 50 states participate. It educates students on how to make tangible change in their own schools. The website is beyonddifferences.org, and if your counselor is not aware of it, he or she may find it of interest.

Mental HealthTeens

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