DEAR ABBY: I need advice on how to discuss a sensitive matter with my son and daughter-in-law's babysitter. She watches my grandson Monday through Friday while they are at work. They live with me, and I work from home, so I am around all day while she's sitting with the baby.

Overall, she's pretty good, but we have discovered her asleep in my son and daughter-in-law's bed a couple of times. She also changes into my son's clothing occasionally, which makes my daughter-in-law very uncomfortable.

My daughter-in-law needs to have a discussion about it with her but doesn't know how to approach the matter. My suggestion was for her to be clear and tell the woman she's uncomfortable with the behavior and ask her to stop. What do you think? -- NOT SITTING WELL IN THE SOUTH

DEAR NOT SITTING: Your daughter-in-law should ask her babysitter why she's crawling into their bed and putting on her employer's clothes because, frankly, what's going on is bizarre. The sitter should be told she's not being paid to sleep on the job. And further, that dressing up in the husband's attire is forbidden, and if it happens again she will be replaced.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I took our children trick-or-treating in my mom's neighborhood because we live in a rural area, and there's no trick-or-treating where we are. When we were done, we found a letter taped onto our windshield telling us how rude we were for bringing our kids trick-or-treating in a neighborhood we don't live in. I mentioned it to several friends and family members afterward, and the reactions were mixed. Some sided with us, and others sided with the note writer.

We're not sure what to do from now on. Is it rude to go into another neighborhood when there is no trick-or-treating in your own? What are families who live in areas with no trick-or-treating or who live in unsafe neighborhoods supposed to do? -- TRICKED, BUT NOT TREATED

DEAR TRICKED: Whoever wrote that note must have been the neighborhood witch. It is not unusual for parents who live in neighborhoods such as yours to bring their children to more populated areas to trick or treat. It happens every Halloween. Don't let it get you down.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were married in college and now have two adult, college-educated daughters. We have worked hard, and we own a successful business. Unfortunately, my husband has been in and out of the hospital for the last eight years. When he's not in the hospital, he's very active and involved with the family. However, his almost-yearly hospitalizations take their toll on all of us.

My question: What role should his parents (in their 80s) play in his health-care decisions? They say he's their son and they have a right. I have said I and our daughters will help him to make those decisions. Am I wrong? This has been bothering me and my daughters for eight long years! -- WHOSE CHOICE IN THE WEST

DEAR WHOSE CHOICE: The choice of who should make his health-care decisions should he be unable to do it for himself should be your husband's. Those wishes should be formalized in a health-care directive and shared with family members. Once someone becomes an adult, the responsibility for carrying out those wishes usually rests with one's spouse or children rather than one's parents.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I belong to a singing group. Another member of the group is a very nice widow in her 70s everyone loves. We know she's lonely, and we have tried fixing her up with good men who are also alone. Things have never worked out.

A few months ago, a man who is an excellent pianist came into our group. He's around 40 and has a girlfriend who comes with him. Our friend has fallen for him in a big way. It has changed her whole attitude and messed up our friendship because she talks only about him all the time. He has given no indication that he's interested in her in any way.

My husband thinks she may be going into dementia because of the way she's acting. We both want to bring her back to reality, but she refuses to admit she has changed. She says WE have changed and accuses us of not wanting her to be happy. Abby, we have always wanted her happiness, but we have given up on how to deal with her obsession. She's very defensive about "him" and insists he'll come around in time. How can we help her accept the truth? -- WORRIED ABOUT HER

DEAR WORRIED: You can't! Quit trying to live this woman's life for her, and you will all be happier. She's an adult, even if right now she's acting like a teenager. That she's able to feel romantic feelings for someone -- available or not -- is a step in the right direction. She will come to understand that her piano man won't "come around" in her own time and without your help.

DEAR ABBY: I was recently watching a talk show where the topic of discussion was a couple who brought their 4-year-old to an open house. While they were there, the child broke an expensive piece of art. The parents refused to pay. The panel was split, with three saying the parents were at fault and two saying that if you invite people to your home, you shouldn't put out valuable things. What do you think?

Something similar happened to us when we invited some relatives to our home for a family get-together. One of the nephews kept taking barware and banging our crystal glasses together. His parents never said a word. It continued until the child broke two of them. The parents' response was, "You will learn to put things up if you want to keep them!" What about teaching your children to leave things alone? Or, if you don't want to monitor your kid, hire a babysitter! -- STILL STEAMED

DEAR STILL: Putting aside for a moment the fact that the glasses were expensive to replace, your nephew could have seriously cut himself when he broke them. That the parents would ignore what their son was doing -- putting himself in a dangerous situation -- and not intervene was irresponsible. As to whose fault it was that the objects were broken, I think it lies squarely with all of you for not immediately putting an end to it.

DEAR ABBY: My niece, "Vicki," will be 18 in a few days. She works part-time and has started college. Her mom, my sister, lost her husband last year.

Vicki did some research on finding herself the right pet because my sister has allergies. With her own money, Vicki purchased a little garter snake.

Unknown to us, Grandma had an incident with a snake as a child. Grandma has now threatened to never visit Vicki! She said, if anyone gets sick, don't call her. Vicki now feels she must choose between Grandma and her pet, and she's heartbroken.

My niece doesn't drink, sleep around or use drugs. All she wanted was something to love after losing her father. We don't think her grandmother should make her choose, feel guilty or threaten a fractured relationship. Please advise. -- SUPPORTIVE AUNT IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR AUNT: Grandma's reaction is extreme, to say the least. A compromise would be for everyone to agree that when Grandma visits, Vicki's garter snake will be kept out of sight and confined to its little "herpetarium." But if Grandma can't accept that, Vicki will have to visit Granny at her house.

DEAR ABBY: How do you let friends know that you've outgrown them without hurting their feelings? I have a couple of friends I would rather not socialize with anymore. I feel I have changed and grown into a different person. I'm sure these people will confront me one day about why I don't return their calls or want to do things with them anymore. I don't want to hurt their feelings or have an unpleasant confrontation with them. Can you help? -- OUTGROWN IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR OUTGROWN: Not returning phone calls is rude, but no law says that you are obligated to return them immediately. A reason might be that you are busy. People are legitimately busy these days. If you are challenged about why you are less available, an honest answer might be, again, that you are busy or the activity is of less interest to you than it used to be.

Relationships do not always remain static. But no one has a right to create an unpleasant confrontation because you are not at their beck and call. If you are cornered, it is all right to reply that you feel you have changed, it's nothing personal, but you don't wish to hang out as often as before.

DEAR ABBY: My boss often naps at work. I find it disconcerting. When clients call on the phone, I have to tell them he is "not available." He also seems distracted and isn't following through on work that needs to be done. I could never take a nap at work. Have you any suggestions on how I can handle this situation? -- ALERT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ALERT: You are not your employer's monitor, and your own sleeping habits do not enter into this. There could be more than one reason why he needs his naps. What he does in his private office is not your business. Handle the situation by doing as you have been instructed and refraining from being judgmental.