life

Woman Feels Widening Gap in Long-Distance Relationship

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 26th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm in a relationship with a man who lives eight hours away. We met last year through a dating site while he was in my area on a business trip but lost contact shortly after he returned home. We recently reconnected and have been talking and/or texting daily since. I'm looking for a job in his area, and he is in favor of that.

Ever since the last time I visited him (a week ago), his texts have become less romantic and there are fewer of them. We also haven't talked on the phone as often. He works 60-plus hours a week and sees his children on weekends, so I understand his time is limited. (However, he made time for me until a week ago.)

Today I asked him if he was still interested in me. I pointed out that I haven't heard from him as often as I did before my last visit, and I'm getting the feeling he's lost interest. He said he hasn't lost interest; he has just been busy.

He went on to say he doesn't have time to be on the phone with me 24/7, and my pessimism bothers him. I responded that I don't think it's unreasonable to want to hear from him at least once a day if we are in a committed relationship, especially since we don't have the luxury of being able to spend time together often. Is it too much to ask to hear from him on a daily basis? After all, I am willing to relocate for him. -- SERIOUS IN THE SOUTH

DEAR SERIOUS: It's entirely possible, with his work schedule and family commitments, that he has been busy in the week since your visit. It is also possible that he's feeling pressured because of your impending move to his city, and you have picked up on the fact that he is distancing himself. I suggest you slow down that move. Don't push or smother him. Give him a chance to pursue you for a while. His reaction to that will tell you everything you need to know.

Love & Dating
life

Support From Friends Peters Out Following Death

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 26th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: When my mom passed away, friends and family were very responsive immediately following her death. During that time, I was numb and in a fog. Weeks later, when I really needed emotional support and help packing things up, no one was around. The same thing happened when my father passed away, and now with the passing of my beloved dog. I realize that everyone is busy with their own lives. A few days of caring and then "crickets"! Is this the new normal? -- BUSY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BUSY: I am sorry you have experienced all the deaths you have because the sadness can be cumulative. I do not think people mean to be insensitive at times like this. Unless someone has experienced the kind of losses that you have, they often fail to understand that the grieving person may need more than an "I'm sorry for your loss." This is why it is important for those who are grieving to express to their friends what they need from them. Sometimes people are just waiting for guidance.

Friends & NeighborsFamily & ParentingDeath
life

Niece Would Rather Stay Home Than Help Her Aunt Entertain

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 25th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My aunt is a perfectionist who loves hosting get-togethers at her house once a week. I love being at home on a day off, so I can get chores done around the house and catch up on rest. I feel like I'm suffocating when she insists on including me, because it is time away from my home on a Sunday or a holiday.

When I attend, I feel like I'm really there to do the behind-the-scenes things, like dishes, trash, etc., and I don't get to relax, visit and enjoy the get-togethers. If I don't attend or I protest in any way, she gets really upset.

I don't know how to achieve a win-win for both of us. My aunt has a big heart and loves entertaining people. I'm an introvert, and I'm definitely not an entertainer. Being around people makes me feel overwhelmed, where it revitalizes her. Please help. -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: Explain your feelings to your aunt exactly as you have to me. If she's as big-hearted as you say, she should understand and let you off the hook without becoming "really upset." From where I sit, you are being treated less as a guest than as a one-person, free kitchen and cleanup crew. You have the right to spend your holidays and weekends exactly as you wish, just as she does.

Holidays & CelebrationsFamily & Parenting
life

Woman Confesses Love for Married Man

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 25th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I recently confessed my feelings to a married man after a year of liking him. We have known each other for five years. I ignored the signs of his interest in me until this past year. He hasn't even been married a year yet, but he gives me attention and flirts with me.

After I told him how I felt, he didn't tell me where he stood with it, didn't shut me down or tell me he feels the way I do. But he did hug me four days later, something he has never done before. What do I do in a situation like this? I can't let these feelings go. -- LETTING GO IN THE WEST

DEAR LETTING GO: What you do in a situation like this is stop chasing a married man. You knew him for four years before his wedding. During that time he not only never asked you out, he courted and married someone else. For your sake, you had better find a way to let those feelings go or channel them elsewhere, because what you want is not going to happen and will keep you from finding someone who is available.

Love & Dating
life

Family Feuds Over Leftover GoFundMe Money

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 25th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband was terminally ill when a GoFundMe account was set up on Facebook to help raise money for his expenses. He has since passed away, and after the medical expenses were paid, there's still quite a bit of money left over. My question is, who does that money belong to? My mother-in-law says the money should be split between me and my stepdaughter. I think the money belongs only to me. Please comment. -- MARIA IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR MARIA: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your husband. Before grabbing the money, ask yourself what your husband would want. Would there be any reason not to share it with his daughter? If the answer to that question is no, then listen to your mother-in-law and do as she suggests.

MoneyDeathFamily & Parenting
life

Matchmaker Friend Now Tries To Drive Couple Apart

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 24th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I recently started a romantic relationship with "Doug," a guy I have been chasing for a while. My friend "Cassie" helped to set us up, and I am grateful. Doug and I talk every night and are very close.

Cassie has a reputation for being a flirt, but I didn't think much of it. As the months have progressed, I notice her talking to my boyfriend more often. I'm OK with her being friendly, but when she hugs him or tries to always sit next to him, it makes me uncomfortable. I'm scared she's trying to come between us. Recently she told me that she thinks he's cute.

She's always telling me I'm too good for him or I need someone who understands me better. Doug tells me that Cassie is giving me strange looks and telling him that I'm too good for him. I am flattered that she thinks this, but I am scared about her true motivations. -- NERVOUS IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR NERVOUS: Stop feeling flattered. Cassie's motivation may be she's sorry she fixed you up with Doug because he has begun looking more and more appealing to her. It appears she is trying to manipulate you and Doug into breaking up, and that's not friendship.

Tell her you and Doug are happy together, you're not "too good" for him and you understand each other very well. Tell her to back off and stop flirting with your boyfriend, and if she doesn't, recognize it's time to distance yourself.

Friends & NeighborsLove & Dating
life

Couple's Anniversaries Go by Unmarked by Grown Sons

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 24th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have three grown sons we don't see often. They're married or live with a girlfriend, and they work a lot. I understand they have their own lives, but it seems their partners' families take priority over us. I feel bad about it, but I understand that this is just how it is.

We feel unimportant in their lives. When our anniversary comes around, they don't bother to acknowledge it. (They do acknowledge our birthdays.) I always make sure I don't miss an occasion by calling or sending a card. When the one couple needs something (like money), they always call. I feel if we disappeared, they wouldn't notice. Our anniversary is the tip of the iceberg. All the rest I can let go of.

How can I tell them how much it hurts without sounding like a whiner? I'm not asking for much more than an unsolicited "Happy Anniversary." Our "golden" one is coming up soon. Some people's kids give them parties for such a special occasion. I'm actually embarrassed. We do have a life. We travel. But a little acknowledgment from our kids would be a big morale-booster. Advice? -- LET DOWN IN THE WEST

DEAR LET DOWN: Your adult children are not mind readers. They appear to be very much centered on themselves and their own lives. TELL them how hurt you are when they overlook your anniversaries. If nothing changes, the next time you are hit up for money, say no. If you do, it may lessen their sense of entitlement, which would be doing them a bigger favor than dispensing dough like an ATM machine.

Holidays & CelebrationsFamily & Parenting

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