life

Woman's Online Attitude Darkens Following Her Brother's Suicide

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 10th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend on social media whose brother died by suicide several months ago. She was the one who found him. They were close, and I think he was her last immediate family member. She has posted openly about how horrible this experience has been and how sad she feels.

More recently, however, her posts have become increasingly bleak. She shares that she's having trouble sleeping and she is so sad and feels completely alone because she has no more family. She gets supportive comments from her Facebook "friends," but continues to sound hopeless. She has started posting that she's going to get off FB because all she can talk about is her brother and she knows everyone is sick of hearing about it. She writes that she does not think she will be here much longer.

I know that someone who hints at suicide should not be dismissed, especially given her experience with her brother's suicide. We went to school decades ago but were not close friends. I don't know her personally very well, and we live several hours apart. How can I help her if she really is thinking about suicide? It seems critical to me, but I don't know what I should do or how fast to act. -- CARING IN VIRGINIA

DEAR CARING: Contact your friend through messaging on Facebook, tell her you are concerned about her, and ask to talk with her. You are right to be concerned. Urge her to join a grief support group or talk with a mental health professional about her loss and feelings of depression and isolation. Give her the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255. If she calls the hotline, she may be able to get a referral there. You are being a good friend. Let's hope she takes our advice.

Mental HealthFriends & NeighborsDeath
life

Househusband Needs Better Answer to 'What Do You Do' Question

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 10th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a successful career woman in my 50s. My husband is in his 40s. We decided several years ago that he could stop working, as my income is enough for both of us. He runs our household and is invaluable to me, not only as manager of our household, but also because he looks after the affairs of both our aging parents. Our kids are grown, so there's no need for child care.

When we go to social functions, invariably he gets asked, "So, what do you do?" When we say he's retired, people look at him suspiciously. I suspect they think he's taking advantage of me, when that couldn't be further from the truth. There is no way I could be as successful in my career without his support. What would be a good response? I think it hurts his feelings, but he keeps it quiet. -- GOOD THING GOING OUT WEST

DEAR GOOD THING: Congratulations on having a partnership that is working so well. People often ask this question as a way of starting a conversation with someone they don't know. Your husband might answer it by saying, "I'm retired now, but I used to work in ----. What do YOU do?"

Work & SchoolMarriage & Divorce
life

Roommate's Presence Complicates 'Friends With Benefits' Setup

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 9th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I've been spending time with a certain gentleman for more than five years. I am in love with him. We dated at first, then became friends with benefits. He had another woman move in with him a few years ago, but we are still friends with benefits, and he has become my best friend. He listens when I need someone to talk to and knows how to give a good pep talk when I need one. We talk several hours a day and text throughout the day.

I know in my heart we are meant to be together. He tells me he loves me but says he can't ask the other woman to move out because she doesn't have anywhere to go until she makes the person living in her house move out. How do I talk to him about this? -- OTHER WOMAN

DEAR OTHER WOMAN: Friends do not string friends along for years, which is what this "gentleman" has been doing to you.

He invited the other woman to move in because she is providing something he finds of value. (Are you sure they haven't gotten married or enjoy similar benefits?) If he wanted her out, he would find a way to do it. During your next "hourslong" phone call, tell him that as much as you care for him, you can no longer continue to live in limbo. Give him a deadline to get rid of his houseguest and, if he doesn't meet it, cut off his "benefits."

Friends & NeighborsLove & Dating
life

Male Wardrobe Adjustments Push Boundaries of Propriety

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 9th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: As a woman, I am infuriated by men of all ages who have to adjust their crotches all the time. Is there any way we can tell these men that what they're doing is vulgar and embarrassing, and it's rude to do this in public? I'm almost tempted to caress my breasts with both hands and push upward. But I guess that would be worse. Any ideas? -- INFURIATED IN TOPEKA

DEAR INFURIATED: Forget hoisting your breasts skyward. Rather than succumb to infuriation, dig deep and try to feel some sympathy. This has everything to do with our Creator's grand design. Because men's genitalia are external, they sometimes get pinched in their clothing, which is uncomfortable. It's only natural that they reflexively try to remedy the situation. Because it bothers you so much, try looking elsewhere.

Etiquette & Ethics
life

Mutual Friend Spills the Beans About Long-Awaited Pregnancy

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 9th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: After a long period of infertility, a dear friend of mine found out she is expecting. Unfortunately, a mutual friend at work stole her thunder and told me about the pregnancy before she had a chance to tell me herself. While I'm pleased to hear that she's pregnant, I'm also a bit upset that because I already know, I can no longer give her a genuine reaction consisting of love, shock and excitement when she tells me face-to-face. Of course I will still express how happy I am, but should I let her know I was already informed? -- ALREADY KNOW IN THE SOUTH

DEAR ALREADY KNOW: By all means tell your friend how happy you are for her and that you know how long she has wanted this. Express to her how exciting the news is, but do NOT tell her you already heard it from a co-worker.

Friends & Neighbors
life

Widowed Mother Begins an Affair With Her Married Brother-in-Law

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 8th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My father died three years ago. My parents were both close to his younger brother and his wife. For the past two years, I have suspected that my mother and my uncle have been having an affair. They live in different states and text back and forth. She has left her phone open when she has gone places with us, and the comments back and forth are very sexually oriented.

I became suspicious when my uncle came to visit and they took a trip together and ended up staying overnight somewhere. A couple of months later, my aunt and uncle came to visit, and Mom asked me NOT to say anything about the trip they had taken in front of his wife.

Then Mom started locking her phone, and if she wants to show you something, she holds onto her phone for dear life. She asked me to look on her phone for something recently while she was driving us someplace and she was so worried about her phone, I was afraid she was going to cause an accident because she was trying to watch what I was doing.

The last time my aunt and uncle were here, Mom tried everything she could to get my uncle alone. I tried as hard as I could to not let that happen. I feel my aunt needs to know what is going on. I'm not sure how to approach this or if I should leave it alone. It really bothers me they think this is OK. My father had an affair once, so Mom should know how this would hurt. What should I do? -- WITNESS IN WISCONSIN

DEAR WITNESS: What you should do is take a giant step back. Do not involve yourself in this potential mess and do not be the bearer of bad tidings to your aunt. If you are going to talk to anyone, talk to your mother.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Man Offers Housing to Homeless Woman Without Wife's Consent

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 8th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been happily married to my husband, "Clyde," for 14 years, and we have a 12-year-old son. Clyde is the nicest man I have ever met, nice to a point that drives me insane. He invites complete strangers over to our house and acts like it's normal.

Last week, he brought a homeless 20-something-year-old woman with him when he came home from work. Without my consent, he let her stay over for FOUR DAYS, until I forced her to leave. I couldn't stand having to cook for and house a woman whose name I didn't even know! After she left, Clyde got mad and said my actions were "rude" and "disrespectful." I think it is unsafe for strangers to be allowed in our home, especially with our son around.

Abby, I don't know what to do. If I can't find a way to stop my husband's recklessness, I may have to end our marriage. Please help. -- OVERWHELMED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR OVERWHELMED: In most marriages, spouses have enough consideration for each other that they ask first before inviting someone -- particularly someone their spouse doesn't know -- into their home. Your "nice" husband seems to have forgotten this.

Your concerns are valid. Because you can't seem to get through to him that what he is doing is risky, insist on some sessions with a licensed marriage and family therapist. Perhaps that person can get through to him. He may think what he's doing is admirable, but there are other ways to help homeless individuals.

Health & SafetyMarriage & Divorce
life

Yom Kippur Begins

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 8th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

TO MY READERS: Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, begins at sundown. During this 24-hour period, Jewish people fast, engage in reflection and prayer, and formally repent for any sin that might have been committed during the previous Hebrew year. To all of you who observe -- may your fast be an easy, but meaningful, one.

Holidays & Celebrations

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