DEAR ABBY: My wife and I were happily married for 45 years. We both come from large, close families, and we were devoted to each other. We virtually never fought. She died suddenly four months ago. There was no warning. I was devastated, but my family and my faith buoyed me up through the darkest times.

I still have great sadness over her death, but I'm starting to do better. More than anything, I am lonely. After being so close to my wife for so many years, it's hard being suddenly single. I have met several single women who seem very nice, who share my religion and have shown some interest in me.

I really don't have a desire right now to start dating, but I have realized that I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone and unmarried. I don't want my children and my wife's family to think I'm too eager or glad to be free of their mother. I also don't want to cause problems in the family. How long after a spouse's death is it appropriate and advisable to wait before starting to date? -- WIDOWER IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR WIDOWER: It used to be expected that widows and widowers would wait one year, out of respect for their late spouses, to begin dating. However, those rules have loosened over time.

When you feel ready to date, you will know it. That said, make no important decisions or commitments for one year after the funeral -- and that includes remarrying to avoid being lonely. Like many widowers in your age bracket, you may find that you are now a "hot commodity."

DEAR ABBY: I recently moved into a two-bedroom, two-bath apartment with my good friend from college. My room appears to be slightly larger. I also have a slightly bigger bathroom attached to my room. Her bathroom is smaller and down the hall. Amid the stress of moving, I impulsively agreed to pay $100 more for my room. I know I should have measured the footage to calculate what would be fair. We are two months into living together and, overall, things are going well.

It has finally hit me that I'm paying $200 more in rent. (She pays $760, and I pay $960.) It just seems like a huge difference when I don't feel like our situations are that different. She also makes a little more money than I do, if you consider that relevant.

Would it be rude to ask her to reconsider the difference in how much we pay? This time around, I'd definitely want to take measurements so there's no guesswork. However, I value our relationship as friends and roommates, so I'm hesitant to go back on our original agreement. -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN FLORIDA

DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: You should not be paying $200 extra. Revisit the conversation you had while the two of you were moving in and recalculate those figures. Your roommate should be paying $810 and you should be paying $910, which adds up to the $1,720 you owe the landlord.

TO THOSE WHO CELEBRATE ROSH HASHANA: At sundown tonight, the Jewish New Year begins. At this time of solemn introspection, I wish you all, "L'shana tova tikatevu" -- may you be inscribed in the Book of Life and have a good year.

DEAR ABBY: I am getting married soon. I grew up without a biological father. When I was younger, a man (I'll call him Tom) stepped into my life and has been like a father to me for almost two decades. I have gone on several family vacations with him and his family.

In preparation for the wedding, I asked Tom if he would walk me down the aisle. He agreed, and I was thrilled. Recently, he has commented to others that he thinks it is inappropriate since he is not my father and does not consider me family. I heard it from someone he had confided in who thought Tom had already spoken with me.

I am devastated and unsure how to react. Tom knows I know but has made no attempt to contact me to talk despite telling others he would. Should I reach out to him and ask why? Should I wait for his call? Should I let it go and move on? I feel like this pain has dampened the excitement of my upcoming wedding. Do you have any advice on how to move forward? -- FATHERLESS IN THE EAST

DEAR FATHERLESS: Staying silent will accomplish nothing. Pick up the phone, call Tom, tell him what you were told and ask if it is true because it may not be. Something may have been lost in translation.

If it IS true, however, remember: You are an independent young woman who can walk herself to the altar. Many women do that these days because they consider the act of being "given" in marriage to be outdated. You could also ask a close male or female friend or relative (your mom?) to accompany you.

Whether what you were told is true or not, thank Tom for the important role he has played in your life and express your gratitude and affection. Do not allow anything to cast a pall on your wedding day!

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single woman with nothing to do on Saturday nights. I work full time and keep busy during most of the year with curling, guitar lessons, volunteering at a local center (there are no activities on Saturday evenings), and involvement in a church care group. I do not have a boyfriend (not for lack of trying), and I don't have nephews or nieces. My apartment is too small for a pet.

None of my current friends is available on Saturday evenings, so I am feeling a bit lonely. I need something to look forward to on Saturdays -- for as cheap as possible. I have asked my family for suggestions, but they don't have any. Would you have any ideas for someone in my situation? -- SULKING IN SASKATOON, CANADA

DEAR SULKING: Saskatoon is not the middle of nowhere. If there is a movie you would like to see, go. And surely there is a public library. Check out some good books and read them -- it will give you something to talk about. Look into taking a dance class or exercise class. If you do, you may make new friends. Make a point of staying informed about what is happening in your city week by week, because there must be plenty going on if only because of its size.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a man in my early 30s who was born with a moderately severe form of cerebral palsy. This disability has always been a major part of my life. As a child, I used a wheelchair and had several surgeries on my legs that were somewhat traumatic. However, through physical therapy and the encouragement of my parents, I was able to learn to do most things on my own, to the point that I got my own apartment, went to college and on to grad school. I support myself just fine.

The problem is, when I was 23 (10 years ago), I was diagnosed with HIV. It was contracted through sex during a time when I was depressed. It was difficult for me emotionally for a few months, but because of my experience with my disability, I was able to pull myself together pretty quickly.

Healthwise, I'm doing great, but I have never told my parents. They are in their early 60s and have worked in fields of government where they encountered HIV decades ago. I don't believe they have any current information about the disease and the effectiveness of treatment.

Should I tell them about my diagnosis? I'm constantly torn between a feeling that I should be raising awareness and destigmatizing HIV, and a fear that they aren't going to understand. I'm not sick, I'm not dying, and my life is not ruined. The advances of the past 30 years have allowed that. But I still feel like letting them know I'm HIV-positive would be a burden on them, especially after what I've faced with cerebral palsy. Should I tell them? And what's the best approach? -- POSITIVELY POSITIVE

DEAR POSITIVE: If your parents are intelligent, they should have some idea that HIV treatment has improved over the decades. Because you appear to be eager to "raise awareness," I suggest that you tell them about your status in as upbeat a manner as possible. Tell them you love them, that you are doing great, your meds are working well, but you thought they ought to know.

DEAR ABBY: I told a close girlfriend of mine I had bought my soon-to-be-born granddaughter a baby ring and plan on giving it to my daughter-in-law at the shower. I was really excited about it. A week later my friend texted me asking if she would be stepping on my toes if she bought the baby a little baby bracelet.

My first reaction was yes, and that she was trying to upstage me at the shower. At any rate, my baby ring would not be as special as I want it to be. Am I wrong in feeling this way? Is it appropriate for her to do that? Now I feel bad that I'm making my granddaughter miss out on a beautiful gift because of my selfishness. I would appreciate your help. -- NOT SPECIAL IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR NOT SPECIAL: This may not be the answer you are expecting, but I would be remiss if I didn't share my thoughts with you. I am concerned about the wisdom of buying a ring for a small child, particularly a baby. Babies spend a lot of time with their little hands in their mouths. You must know that the ring would not be worn by your granddaughter because such an item could choke an infant (and the bracelet, too, for that matter). Discuss that gift with the child's mother before giving it.

As to your friend's idea of a bracelet, if she was trying to upstage you, she wouldn't have told you about her idea. Let it go.