life

Mom Walks Fine Line Amid Safety and Fear for Daughter

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 29th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have two beautiful daughters, ages 3 and 4. My concern is that my younger daughter is very friendly. No matter where we go, she says "hi" to everyone she sees, strangers included. With all her positive energy, she has the type of personality that attracts attention when she walks into a room. I love her for that, but I'm also worried she's too friendly.

Some of our neighbors are male, and she wants to hug them and sit on their laps. This alarms me, and I'm not sure what to do. With how things are nowadays, you never know who you can trust. I don't want to dampen her confident and upbeat disposition, but I want to teach her why it's not OK to do this. Sometimes I wonder if she does it because her father isn't in the picture, so when she sees an older man, she wants that bond. Please help, Abby. -- PROTECTIVE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR PROTECTIVE: Your daughter appears to be a lovely little girl. I agree you shouldn't dampen her outgoing and affectionate nature. She should not be walking around by herself without supervision. Explain to her what appropriate behavior is and is not. This is an ongoing conversation that includes more information as she is able to understand it. Ultimately, you are her parent, and you must determine what is appropriate in her interactions with all people, regardless of gender.

Health & SafetyFamily & Parenting
life

Cellphone Addict Refuses to Put Phone Away

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 29th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: How do I deal with a friend who constantly stays on her cellphone (texting, talking or using video chat) every time we get together? She puts her phone on video chat in the car and talks to some guy (Note: She's already in a relationship.), and in restaurants she keeps her phone on the table and it rings, which is annoying. She also talks on the phone in public places, making others around glance over at her, yet she doesn't turn it off.

She spent the last 40 minutes of a recent 1 1/2-hour bus trip we took, seated next to each other, on her phone. There was a sign nearby that read, "Cellphone use unless in an emergency situation is prohibited," and the passenger in front of us kept turning around to glare at her. She was oblivious! I once told her I don't talk on my phone if I'm with someone. She asked me how I did that and when I shut my phone off, she commented, "I can't do that"! What do I do, Abby? -- OFFENDED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR OFFENDED: Your friend appears to be not only inconsiderate of you and others around her, but also addicted to her cellphone. Allow me to share what I would do: I would spend my time with friends who choose to be fully present when in my company.

Etiquette & EthicsFriends & Neighbors
life

New Wife Waits to Meet Adult Stepson

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 29th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: How long should a new wife wait to be introduced to her husband's adult child because the adult child doesn't know what to say to his young children about who I am? -- WAITING IN THE WEST

DEAR WAITING: You should have been introduced to your husband's family long before you became the new wife, which would have been far easier for all concerned. What the young children should be told is: "I have wonderful news! 'Pop-pop' got married to a very nice lady. He was so sad when he was by himself, and now he isn't alone anymore. Isn't that great?" The news should be delivered with a big smile and maybe even ice cream to celebrate.

Family & Parenting
life

Religious Man Is Intrigued by Invitation to a Threesome

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 28th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a single male in my early 50s who looks younger. A married couple approached me and expressed their desire for me to become intimate with them as a couple. They are only acquaintances.

I was surprised but interested when they told me they have an open marriage and would like me to participate with the wife. They are into threesomes, swinging and swapping. I have never participated in such activities, although I admit that I am now very curious.

They know I am a religious person and told me that they don't consider it to be adultery or coveting since they are willing participants and there are no secrets or desire to break up their marriage. I told them I'd think about it and get back to them.

When I discussed it with my married brother, he was all for it. But when I talked about it with my divorced sister, at first she thought I was trying to recruit her as a participant, which I was not. Once I cleared that up, she voiced no opinion.

I am a clean-cut boy-next-door type of person. I don't flirt with women, and I'm discreet about my personal life. This could be why this couple approached me. I would appreciate your thoughts. -- CURIOUS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CURIOUS: I'm glad to oblige. Because you are a religious person, look up the definition of adultery. My dictionary defines it as having sex with someone other than your spouse. Covet means to lust after. This swinging couple appears to have their own definition of those terms, which do not mesh with reality.

That said, being in your sixth decade, you are a big boy, and the decision whether to participate is strictly up to you. I know the offer is flattering, but it might be interesting to know what your religious adviser would have to say about this. Before proceeding, perhaps consider seeking advice from that person.

Friends & NeighborsSex & Gender
life

Adult Children Blame Stepdad for Mother's Death

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 28th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Six years ago, I retired to care for my wife of 34 years. She was on multiple meds and wheelchair-bound, suffering from high blood pressure, alcohol and nicotine addiction, chronic depression, morbid obesity, advancing kidney failure, severe arthritis and worsening dementia.

Throughout the remainder of her difficult life, I was her only caregiver. Her son and daughter were "too busy" to help, although they live only a few minutes away. (Her "too busy" daughter didn't even have a job.) During the final year of my wife's struggle, not once did they visit her.

After she died, they spread the word on social media that she died because I didn't take care of her. I don't know if it was to deflect criticism from themselves or to assuage a guilty conscience (if they even have one). What kills me is they told that same lie to my grandchildren, and I can't call and tell them the truth. My son-in-law threatened the kids that if they spoke to me, he would take away their phones.

It has been a year and a half, and this mess still breaks my heart. Any suggestions? -- UNHAPPY GRANDPA

DEAR GRANDPA: Unless there is a chapter missing from your letter, what your children have done is not only inexplicable but also despicable. To alienate you from your grandchildren is heartless.

However, what's done is done. You know you did everything you possibly could for your late wife. Now go, live your life to the fullest and stop looking back because you richly deserve every GOOD thing life brings your way.

Mental HealthAddictionFamily & ParentingDeathHealth & SafetyMarriage & Divorce
life

Single Mother by Choice Wants Positive Support From Friends

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 27th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single woman who has always wanted children. As much as I would've liked, marriage isn't in the cards for me yet and maybe not ever, which I've accepted.

I have decided to not allow my single status to prevent me from becoming a mother. I have spent years hearing my friends and family tell me how great being a parent is and how I'm missing out. In fact, there was a time or two when I felt certain people were trying to make me feel inadequate. After careful consideration, I chose to utilize donor sperm.

I am now 40 and expecting my first child, and I couldn't be happier. The only thing I find upsetting is that those same friends who spent years telling me how great motherhood is and asking when I would have children, now speak of nothing but the tribulations of motherhood -- the pain of delivery, the fatigue, the expense, and how they couldn't do it alone, etc.

I'm an educated woman in a profession that pays well, and I consider myself to be fortunate. I didn't decide to become a single mother on a whim. I don't know what to expect but want to think positive and enjoy my pregnancy. I'm confused and hurt by my friends' reactions now that I am pregnant. Is it the pregnancy hormones, or do I need to distance myself from these friends? -- CONFOUNDED IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR CONFOUNDED: Parenting involves many emotions -- some of them conflicting. It's a joy, an adventure, a challenge and a commitment. The experience is also an individual one.

You are a mature person and financially secure. If you need help with your child, you can get it. Please do not allow yourself to be intimidated by what these "friends" are sharing, and do not seek their validation. I'm not implying you should distance yourself and end the relationships, because you may welcome some of their advice in the future. Remember, this journey is one you have thoughtfully chosen.

Friends & NeighborsMarriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Wife Begs for a Break in Texting Between Man and Mom

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 27th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband is an only child. When his parents retired, his mother, who was always social, stayed home with his dad because he wanted her home with him. Because of this, she spent a great deal of time texting my husband.

My father-in-law passed away recently, and the texting has increased. It goes on all day, every day, even after we go to bed. I want to be sensitive to the fact that everyone is getting used to the new normal without my father-in-law, but the constant phone buzzing and interruptions are getting old.

My husband is defensive about the texting. We have a happy marriage, and I want to keep it that way. How should I handle this? -- OVERLOADED IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR OVERLOADED: Your husband, rather than you, should handle his mother. Because your father-in-law's death is recent, she may need time to adjust to being alone. If her constant, intrusive texting persists beyond a reasonable amount of time, he should suggest that she cut back. He should also encourage her to re-establish the friendships and activities she gave up for her husband and, if necessary, consider joining a grief support group. Her doctor or religious adviser can suggest one that would be appropriate for her.

Family & ParentingDeathMarriage & Divorce

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