life

Religious Man Is Intrigued by Invitation to a Threesome

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 28th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a single male in my early 50s who looks younger. A married couple approached me and expressed their desire for me to become intimate with them as a couple. They are only acquaintances.

I was surprised but interested when they told me they have an open marriage and would like me to participate with the wife. They are into threesomes, swinging and swapping. I have never participated in such activities, although I admit that I am now very curious.

They know I am a religious person and told me that they don't consider it to be adultery or coveting since they are willing participants and there are no secrets or desire to break up their marriage. I told them I'd think about it and get back to them.

When I discussed it with my married brother, he was all for it. But when I talked about it with my divorced sister, at first she thought I was trying to recruit her as a participant, which I was not. Once I cleared that up, she voiced no opinion.

I am a clean-cut boy-next-door type of person. I don't flirt with women, and I'm discreet about my personal life. This could be why this couple approached me. I would appreciate your thoughts. -- CURIOUS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CURIOUS: I'm glad to oblige. Because you are a religious person, look up the definition of adultery. My dictionary defines it as having sex with someone other than your spouse. Covet means to lust after. This swinging couple appears to have their own definition of those terms, which do not mesh with reality.

That said, being in your sixth decade, you are a big boy, and the decision whether to participate is strictly up to you. I know the offer is flattering, but it might be interesting to know what your religious adviser would have to say about this. Before proceeding, perhaps consider seeking advice from that person.

Friends & NeighborsSex & Gender
life

Adult Children Blame Stepdad for Mother's Death

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 28th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Six years ago, I retired to care for my wife of 34 years. She was on multiple meds and wheelchair-bound, suffering from high blood pressure, alcohol and nicotine addiction, chronic depression, morbid obesity, advancing kidney failure, severe arthritis and worsening dementia.

Throughout the remainder of her difficult life, I was her only caregiver. Her son and daughter were "too busy" to help, although they live only a few minutes away. (Her "too busy" daughter didn't even have a job.) During the final year of my wife's struggle, not once did they visit her.

After she died, they spread the word on social media that she died because I didn't take care of her. I don't know if it was to deflect criticism from themselves or to assuage a guilty conscience (if they even have one). What kills me is they told that same lie to my grandchildren, and I can't call and tell them the truth. My son-in-law threatened the kids that if they spoke to me, he would take away their phones.

It has been a year and a half, and this mess still breaks my heart. Any suggestions? -- UNHAPPY GRANDPA

DEAR GRANDPA: Unless there is a chapter missing from your letter, what your children have done is not only inexplicable but also despicable. To alienate you from your grandchildren is heartless.

However, what's done is done. You know you did everything you possibly could for your late wife. Now go, live your life to the fullest and stop looking back because you richly deserve every GOOD thing life brings your way.

Mental HealthAddictionFamily & ParentingDeathHealth & SafetyMarriage & Divorce
life

Single Mother by Choice Wants Positive Support From Friends

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 27th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single woman who has always wanted children. As much as I would've liked, marriage isn't in the cards for me yet and maybe not ever, which I've accepted.

I have decided to not allow my single status to prevent me from becoming a mother. I have spent years hearing my friends and family tell me how great being a parent is and how I'm missing out. In fact, there was a time or two when I felt certain people were trying to make me feel inadequate. After careful consideration, I chose to utilize donor sperm.

I am now 40 and expecting my first child, and I couldn't be happier. The only thing I find upsetting is that those same friends who spent years telling me how great motherhood is and asking when I would have children, now speak of nothing but the tribulations of motherhood -- the pain of delivery, the fatigue, the expense, and how they couldn't do it alone, etc.

I'm an educated woman in a profession that pays well, and I consider myself to be fortunate. I didn't decide to become a single mother on a whim. I don't know what to expect but want to think positive and enjoy my pregnancy. I'm confused and hurt by my friends' reactions now that I am pregnant. Is it the pregnancy hormones, or do I need to distance myself from these friends? -- CONFOUNDED IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR CONFOUNDED: Parenting involves many emotions -- some of them conflicting. It's a joy, an adventure, a challenge and a commitment. The experience is also an individual one.

You are a mature person and financially secure. If you need help with your child, you can get it. Please do not allow yourself to be intimidated by what these "friends" are sharing, and do not seek their validation. I'm not implying you should distance yourself and end the relationships, because you may welcome some of their advice in the future. Remember, this journey is one you have thoughtfully chosen.

Friends & NeighborsMarriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Wife Begs for a Break in Texting Between Man and Mom

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 27th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband is an only child. When his parents retired, his mother, who was always social, stayed home with his dad because he wanted her home with him. Because of this, she spent a great deal of time texting my husband.

My father-in-law passed away recently, and the texting has increased. It goes on all day, every day, even after we go to bed. I want to be sensitive to the fact that everyone is getting used to the new normal without my father-in-law, but the constant phone buzzing and interruptions are getting old.

My husband is defensive about the texting. We have a happy marriage, and I want to keep it that way. How should I handle this? -- OVERLOADED IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR OVERLOADED: Your husband, rather than you, should handle his mother. Because your father-in-law's death is recent, she may need time to adjust to being alone. If her constant, intrusive texting persists beyond a reasonable amount of time, he should suggest that she cut back. He should also encourage her to re-establish the friendships and activities she gave up for her husband and, if necessary, consider joining a grief support group. Her doctor or religious adviser can suggest one that would be appropriate for her.

Family & ParentingDeathMarriage & Divorce
life

Man Is Embarrassed When Wife Asks People Their Age

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 26th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My wife constantly craves compliments about her age. When we meet people, she regularly asks how old they are, which I think is rude and inappropriate. Then she asks me if I know how old they are, and I say "no" because I don't think it's any of my business. She then asks them, "How old do you think I am?" Almost always they guess low, which makes her happy.

She thinks there's something wrong with me for not being curious about someone's age. Abby, is it appropriate when meeting someone to ask how old he or she is? To me, it's like asking how much they weigh -- which is also none of my business! Is my wife rude, or am I the one with the problem? I like people but don't need the intimate details of their lives. -- MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS

DEAR MINDING: Many people dislike being asked their age, and to ask that question of a stranger is not appropriate. That your wife raises the subject because she seeks validation about her looks is sad. I'm guessing she will stop doing it when people answer her question honestly.

Marriage & DivorceEtiquette & Ethics
life

Artist Is Hurt When Friend Donates Her Painting

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 26th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Whenever the opportunity presents itself, I donate one of my framed oil paintings for fundraising. On one of these occasions, my friend and her husband purchased raffle tickets and won my painting. They happily took it home.

Months later, there was to be a silent auction at an event. My friend asked if I would mind if she donated that painting to it. It disturbed me that she obviously didn't care to keep my painting, but I told her that she owned it and it was hers to do with as she chose.

To this day this incident stirs up resentment because she obviously didn't wish to keep my artwork. Am I childish to harbor this disappointment? -- DEJECTED ARTIST IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ARTIST: If your friend hadn't liked your painting, she wouldn't have bid for it. For whatever reason -- wrong size, colors didn't fit in with her color scheme -- it didn't work for her. Resentment is a disease that eats away at relationships. Let it go.

Friends & Neighbors
life

Teen Backs Off From Boy's Idea of Commitment

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 26th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am 14 and have started dating a guy. "Jake" is really sweet and nice to me, but he also has some depression. I feel like if I break up with him, he will start hurting himself. I really like him, but my parents also don't know we are dating. He wants to be together forever, but I'm not sure what's best for me. For now, I want to focus on school and sports. What should I do? -- TEEN IN COLORADO

DEAR TEEN: You are an intelligent young woman. Tell Jake that your parents don't want you dating until you are older. It is no reflection on him; it is the truth. Explain that, right now, you plan to focus on school and sports and suggest that it wouldn't hurt him to do the same. If he reacts by threatening to harm himself, tell your parents or a trusted teacher so they can inform his parents and he can get the emotional support he needs, and possibly professional help.

Work & SchoolMental HealthLove & Dating

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