DEAR ABBY: I will soon be retiring from a lay position in my church. As a former member of the choir, I'm being urged to return to it, which appeals to me. My problem is a member who has caused trouble in the past for me with lies and criticism.

She is a very negative bully. In the past, she poisoned my ability to worship, and I want as little to do with her as possible. I'm afraid if I rejoin the choir, the situation will continue. I don't want to upset the other choir members who are good, supportive friends, but I no longer want to have to put up with her. She's very hard to ignore. Any suggestions? -- SINGING A NEW TUNE IN CANADA

DEAR SINGING: If you haven't already done so, discuss this with the priest/pastor of your church. Explain how the woman's bullying and rumor spreading have affected you and ask for guidance. If she's the one sour note in the choir, it is possible she has done the same thing to others.

DEAR ABBY: My son moved in with a 22-year-old woman in 2009. She gave birth to a baby boy in 2010. My son, who is older, took on the responsibility of raising the boy. In 2018, she walked out on them both and wasn't heard from again. Through public records we found out that she had committed suicide.

My grandson is now 9. My question is, is he old enough to be told about his mother, or should my son wait until he's older, like in his teens? I'm just wondering what's the right thing to do. -- RIGHT TIME IN FLORIDA

DEAR RIGHT TIME: When your grandson asks about his mother, he should be told that she is no longer living. As he begins asking for more information, his questions should be answered in an age-appropriate way. He does not need to hear that she committed suicide until he is old enough to understand what she was suffering from and how sad you and your son are that her life ended the way it did.

DEAR ABBY: Despite gastric bypass years ago, my wife is still very heavy. I'm no longer attracted to her, yet she is my best friend. I have thought about leaving her. Our kids are grown, so I wouldn't have to pay child support. In a few years, I will be too old to pay alimony. However, even then, because where we live is so expensive, I would likely have to move out of state. I don't want to move out of state or lose my best friend. -- UNSURE IN THE WEST

DEAR UNSURE: Before making any decisions based on the assumption that you won't have to see that your wife is provided for financially, discuss this with an attorney. Because you don't want to move away or lose your best friend, you may have to accept that, despite her weight-loss surgery, your wife has serious issues with food and, because she is your best friend, love her in spite of it. Help her as much as you can with healthy eating and an exercise routine you can do together.

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing a woman who is 21 years younger than I am. She says she loves me, but I am hesitant because of our age difference.

We have known each other for years. She had a crush on me when she was 16, but I was married at the time, and she was too young. We made love a couple of times when she was in her 20s because I was divorced and she was single.

Now it's 10 years later. I'm in my late 50s; she's in her 30s. We are both single, and she wants to take care of me for the rest of my life.

She brings me lunch every once in a while, which I am amazed at because it's a long drive from where she lives. I worry about what other people will think, but she doesn't care and says she wants to love me and care for me because she knows what I am about. I grew up with her uncles and aunts and am good friends with them.

She's tired of dating people her age because she says they are immature. She has three kids and has never been married. I love her and want to take care of her, too, for the rest of her life. Should I listen to my heart? -- AGE IS A NUMBER, IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR AGE: You have known this woman for many years. It is not as though she's a stranger with three children who has approached you. Are the fathers of the children contributing to their support? If they are minors, what will be your role in their lives? These are important considerations. But how other people feel about your union should not affect your decision.

DEAR ABBY: I was date raped seven years ago, and the man who assaulted me gave me genital herpes. I'm not someone who has ever slept around. After the rape, I told no one. I didn't go to the police. I didn't go to the doctor to get checked right away because I was scared the doctor would report the rape to the police and my family would find out. I felt ashamed and dirty. Two months later, I finally found the courage to see a doctor. I realized I had genital herpes because I got a sore and went to get tested.

I'm now friends with a guy and feel like every time I meet someone I have to tell him I have herpes because I'm not the kind of person who lies or keeps secrets. My friend seems really interested in me, and I know I need to tell him.

I feel like my life is over, and I'll never be able to have kids or marry because of this disease. It's like the man who raped me has killed my social life and my desire to live. Please help me, Abby. I have no idea what to do. Should I just stay alone or try to get my life back? -- STRESSED AND ANXIOUS IN PUERTO RICO

DEAR STRESSED: For heaven's sake, take your life back! It is far from over. Go online and research the prevalence of STDs among teens and young adults in the U.S. and Puerto Rico. The statistics will be an eye-opener for you and may reassure you that you are not alone in having herpes. This information should be shared with your sexual partners before becoming intimate. Medications can lessen the chance of transmission. Your doctor or a clinic worker can advise you.

DEAR ABBY: My father is in his 70s and lives close by. My brother and his family live across the country. Dad has smoked for more than 60 years, and an incident with his high blood pressure recently landed him in the hospital. He's supposed to be on medication, but he refuses to take it.

He claims his hobby of playing the trumpet keeps his lungs healthy and recent changes in his diet have solved the blood pressure issues. Neither of these things seem likely to me, and he has not been back to the doctor. Dad hides his condition from everyone. I know only because I was the one who was called when he went to the hospital.

My brother recently told me Dad is planning to take my teenage nephews camping at a fairly remote location. When I encouraged Dad to tell my brother about his heart condition so he could make an informed decision about the safety of the trip, or at least prepare my nephews in case something happened, Dad went through the roof! He insists he's not sick and I have no business sharing his medical information. More likely he doesn't want to admit he's getting older or may have to cancel the trip.

I have to tell my brother if Dad won't, but if I do, I'm sure I'll never get more information, and Dad will quit talking to me altogether. Is there any way around this that I'm not seeing? -- LEVELHEADED DAUGHTER IN DETROIT

DEAR DAUGHTER: The safety of your brother's children is paramount. Your father does not have the right to place them at risk, which he will because of his carelessness about his health situation. Your father may not like it, but it is imperative that you warn your brother so he can make an informed decision about whether to allow an unsupervised camping trip with Grandpa. (The solution may be that another adult will be included to keep an eye on things.)

DEAR ABBY: After I had emergency surgery, I was moved to another location in my work department. I met a wonderful young man and, as we communicated, we found we had a lot in common. I never imagined I'd ever find a soul mate, but we fell in love.

He is married; I am not. He is loving and considerate as much as he can be. I love him so much, but I feel terrible about our situation. I feel it is unfair -- especially to me. I need more than he can give to me in terms of a relationship.

I know I have messed up. Again. I'd like to remain friends, but that's all. How do I tell him? I don't want to have drama on the job. I have been applying for other jobs away from this place. I thought that it would solve the problem. -- UNFAIR SITUATION

DEAR UNFAIR: Remaining "just friends" may not be realistic. Tell this wonderful young man the affair is over because it wasn't fair to you or his wife. Once you have secured another job, give your employer two weeks notice and get out of there.