DEAR ABBY: I saw something shocking, and I need help. While working at my job at a hospital, I saw the man my mother is married to. He was there for an appointment. He did not see me, and I didn't have the courage to approach him because he was dressed as a woman. There is no mistaking it was him.

I don't know how to even begin to handle this. He has always been wonderful, especially to my mom. I am afraid if I don't tell her, she will find out and be destroyed, and if I do tell her, the same thing will happen. What do I do? -- HURT AND CONFUSED

DEAR HURT: Talk to your mother's husband -- who may be a cross-dresser or have gender identity issues -- about the fact that you saw him and give him a chance to explain. Do not be surprised if he tells you your mother is aware that he dresses this way some of the time.

DEAR ABBY: My husband was previously married for five years and had been widowed shortly before we met. He and his late wife had matching tattoo wedding bands. They had agreed they'd both be cremated upon their demise and that eventually they would be "reunited" by combining their ashes after his death.

My question is, what can we do to honor our marriage vows without removing the tattoo that will be respectful yet completely our own symbol of our vows? Secondly, I'm uncomfortable with the combining of their ashes. I'm 48 years old, and he is 44, so we have the potential for many more years of marriage than they had, but I do not want to completely dismiss her memory. What should I do about this? -- SECOND WIFE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR WIFE: You could honor your wedding vows by wearing matching wedding rings. As for the "ashes" promise, talk to your husband about what his wishes currently are should he predecease you. He may have changed his mind about combining his ashes with hers -- or not. If the two of you are together longer than he was with his first wife, his feelings on the subject may change.

DEAR ABBY: My son got married a little over a year ago. They have a new baby. They are heavily in debt. He works full time plus a job on Saturday. She could work as a substitute teacher but prefers to stay at home with the baby.

I'm concerned about my son working so much. She brought indebtedness into this marriage. She agreed to work and now she doesn't. It doesn't seem fair to our boy. He's very kind and has a sensitive heart. Should I say something? -- CONCERNED MOM

DEAR CONCERNED: It may not seem fair, but do not insert yourself into this situation. Your "boy" is now an adult, and it's important that you let him speak up for himself. If you interfere -- even though you are trying to help -- you will come across as overbearing, which may cost you a relationship with your daughter-in-law and your grandchild.

DEAR ABBY: My father's behavior has been very peculiar lately. He and Mom have been married for 45 years. Of course, all marriages go through ups and downs. They have had their share of health problems. Both are doing OK but are dealing with some medical issues.

Because of my father's actions, I'm afraid for my mother's emotional state. He stays gone for long periods of time throughout the day and sometimes stays out until the early morning of the next day. She always stays up until he gets home. When she calls or texts him, at times he doesn't respond. I've also called or texted him while he was out. When I tried talking to him, he said he doesn't have to explain himself. He's not the best at staying on track when it comes to taking care of himself. It's like he is living another life.

I'm not sure what's going on between my parents. I just know I don't like to see Mom treated this way because it's disrespectful, and I can see she's hurting. My relationship with my father is suffering because of this. I asked him to come to family counseling with me, my siblings and mother. He refuses. I'm praying about this. I just don't know what else we can do. Please help. -- PERPLEXED DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: You cannot force your father into family counseling, but you and your siblings can continue to give your mother emotional support during this difficult time, and that's what I urge you to do. I don't know what your father is up to and neither do you. But if it becomes necessary, a private detective can fill you in, I'm sure.

DEAR ABBY: I am in a loving and rewarding marriage. Because we have no children, my husband and I are best friends who devote most of our time to each other. My issue is with some of his habits.

He is kind of clumsy, and this has resulted in the destruction of many things in our home -- our carpet (spills that can't be cleaned), coffee table (discolored from spilling a caustic material) and sofa (spilled wax and cigar burns). I know he doesn't do this intentionally, but nonetheless, it makes me irate. And it is constant. He apologizes for it, yet it occurs repeatedly.

Is there anything I can do to change this, or must I accept the incremental destruction of my home? And if that's the case, what can I tell myself to make me less angry about it? -- MRS. DESTRUCTO IN BALTIMORE

DEAR MRS. DESTRUCTO: A certain amount of wear and tear is normal. But your husband may be one of those people -- many people are -- who "lives" on the sofa. Much of your problem might be eliminated if you made sure that snacks are consumed in the kitchen and no beverages more colorful than water are enjoyed in front of the television. If that's not feasible, consider durable, stain-resistant fabrics when you re-cover your sofa.

DEAR ABBY: I spent the past 11 years in an emotionally and physically abusive on-again, off-again relationship. I finally got out and am very proud of myself for doing it.

I am now deeply in love with an amazing new man. He is everything I prayed for -- the whole deal. There is only one problem: He's married.

I knew he was married, but, Abby, the marriage was phony. The girl used him to become a legal U.S. citizen. She's now back in her home country, apparently "married" and has a family with someone else, but my boyfriend is still married to her.

I don't know the whole legalities, but he still isn't filing for divorce, even though he's constantly telling me he will. I have been with him for almost three years now, and I'm tired of wasting my time. I have never been married, and he married this woman less than a year after meeting her.

He keeps telling me how "full of myself" I am, and/or that I have nothing to worry about. But I'm not getting any younger, and this man is truly my ideal man. I have tried giving him ultimatums, but we get into arguments that last for hours, and we end up in circles all over again. Help! -- ANXIOUS IN ARIZONA

DEAR ANXIOUS: If the life you want includes marriage and children, by now you should realize your "ideal man" is not prepared to give you what you need. He's using the "phony" marriage -- if it even exists -- to avoid making a commitment to you, and talking circles around you (filibustering!) so he can maintain the status quo. I'm pretty sure you already know what you have to do, as painful as it may be in the short term. Do it now so you won't be writing me in another three years with the same problem.

DEAR ABBY: I'm having a strong disagreement with my sister regarding responsibility for finding child care.

My wife and I have to go away for a couple of days, and we need someone to watch one of our children for a Friday and Saturday night. I'm taking my older daughter to a travel tournament, and my wife had a previously planned trip out of town that same weekend. I asked my sister to stay with our other daughter and our dogs in our home because I thought it would be nice for them to spend some time together. She vehemently rebuffed me because "it's the mother's responsibility to find someone."

I have never heard of such a thing. I felt like I was transported back to the 1950s. To me, family is family. Why would it matter if my family came and watched my child as opposed to my wife's family? We are not talking right now because of this issue. I think it was rude and just plain archaic. -- BACK IN TIME

DEAR BACK IN TIME: Family is indeed family. Could your sister have been offended that your wife didn't call and ask for that favor? Or does she dislike your wife for some reason? She was not obligated to agree to baby-sit your child, but for the reason you stated, it would have been nice and an opportunity to bond with the girl. From now on, leave your sister out of the baby-sitting equation, unless she volunteers.