DEAR ABBY: I'm engaged to be married to a wonderful woman who has a 6-year-old daughter with her ex-husband. They share joint custody.

His controlling nature was a major factor in her decision to end their marriage. Even now, after being divorced more than two years, he tries to control her life. One way is by insisting on pictures of the three of them at every function where they are all present. First day of school, graduations, etc., he has to have pictures taken of him along with my fiancee and their daughter as if they are still one big, happy family.

He's now engaged to someone as well. I can only assume his fiancee must find these "not a family" pictures as strange as my fiancee and I do. The reason we haven't shut him down when he insists on these pictures is that we think maybe it is a nice thing for her daughter to have pictures of herself with her mom and dad. But we dread every event because we know he is going to expect this. Will it do the daughter any harm to stop him the next time he starts insisting on this increasingly awkward situation? -- IN THE PICTURE, TOO

DEAR PICTURE: Because this practice made your fiancee uncomfortable, she should have put a stop to it when it began. She should not do anything that makes her uncomfortable. A way to deal with it now without roiling the waters would be to wait until you and your fiancee are married -- and her ex and his fiancee are married -- and make it a group photo of the entire blended family from then on.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I will celebrate our 22nd wedding anniversary on the seventh of next month. My brother was divorced after five years of marriage and is now getting remarried by a justice of the peace. His "bride" is also divorced, and this will be a second marriage for both of them. They initially planned to be married on the third of the month but changed the date to the seventh saying they couldn't find another date that worked.

Last time I checked, there were 31 days in the month. Our parents don't understand why I'm upset that my brother plans to marry on my wedding anniversary date. I feel this is my special day, one that I have earned after 22 years of marriage. My brother and his fiancee could easily pick another date. Am I being petty, or is my brother unreasonable? -- THAT'S MY DAY IN MICHIGAN

DEAR DAY: I'm glad you asked. You are making a mountain out of a molehill. You don't "own" the seventh of next month.

Rather than looking to be offended, you should be hoping that your brother and his fiancee have the same good fortune and years of happiness that you and your husband have enjoyed. Their anniversary won't impinge on yours.

The most meaningful wedding gift you could offer them would be to wish them every happiness on this special day -- for all of you -- and stop looking for drama where there isn't any. Celebrate your anniversary next month at a time that works best for you and your husband.

DEAR ABBY: I own a small retail shop. One of my employees (I'll call her Sara) has been with us for a number of years. Until recently she's been a stellar employee. She has been through several traumas during the past year, including the death of her father, unexpected injuries and medical bills, and finding out that her husband had molested her teenage daughter and other girls as well. It has been enough to drive anyone over the edge of emotional stability, and she has been noticeably struggling.

Sara has seen a doctor and is seeing a therapist for this, but she's still having a difficult time. These things don't heal overnight. I understand that.

Brick-and-mortar retail pretty much runs on presenting a cheerful face, happily engaging with customers and answering their questions -- something Sara has been emotionally unable to do. Customers have begun complaining to me about her moodiness and saying she has been ignoring them. I've talked to her about this a couple of times now, and each time she says she'll do better, but she hasn't.

Abby, she's been through so much, I'm reluctant to add to her trauma by letting her go, but I feel I'm being backed into a corner here. Is there a solution I'm not seeing or something I can say that will help resolve this without having to let her go? There isn't any work currently available that doesn't require customer interaction, or else I'd ask her to do that. -- BAD FOR BUSINESS

DEAR B.F.B.: You are a caring employer -- more than most would be, considering the shape that retail is in these days. Talk to Sara again. Explain that you are receiving complaints from customers and what they have been saying. Give her another chance to improve. If one of your other employees can cover for Sara for a week or two, let Sara have a brief leave of absence to regroup. However, if the complaints persist, let her go, because what's going on isn't about her or you, it's about the health of your business.

DEAR ABBY: My husband is 67 and at least 45 pounds overweight. His breasts could fill a C-cup bra, and his belly looks nine months pregnant. Problem is, he wears running shorts around the house and no shirt. Everything hangs out regardless of whether we're alone or have family visiting. It's embarrassing.

When I ask him to dress or at least put on a shirt, he says it's his home, he can dress any way he wants, and if someone disapproves, they can leave. That's exactly what I am ready to do. I am disgusted seeing him look like this. Also, when we are alone, he tends to skinny dip in our swimming pool.

I'm afraid our 18-year marriage is over. For the last five years we have lived like roommates with separate bedrooms. Do you agree I should leave? He flat-out refuses any counseling for us. -- LOOKING THE OTHER WAY

DEAR LOOKING: You are asking me a question I can't answer for you. Because your husband refuses counseling doesn't mean you couldn't benefit from talking to someone, in light of the fact that you are contemplating such a life-changing decision. Please go, because the answer to your question lies within yourself.

DEAR ABBY: I recently attended a friend's party that was being given to celebrate their son's 18th birthday. I thought it would be cheeky and fun to buy him a risque card from an adult boutique, thinking everyone would get a good laugh, and we'd have something to roast the young man with. When he opened the card, he had this look of horror on his face, ran out of the room all teary-eyed and went directly to his bedroom. His mother picked up the card and immediately asked me to leave. I was really embarrassed but unsure about the reason.

I gave them a week or so to cool off. I called back only to be informed by the mother that I had violated her son's sanctity of sexual orientation because he identifies as a "they" and "prefers androgynous boys to women." She went on to explain that as a result of my "indiscriminate sexism," I'm no longer allowed around the family.

I feel I should've been informed of the child's orientation being such an important aspect of his ... or rather, "their" identity, and tried to explain it was an honest mistake and would never happen again. My friend said the damage was done, and they can't forgive that kind of arrogance and blatant disrespect for "their" gender identity and sexual orientation.

Was I insensitive for not asking first, or should the parents have taken the initiative to inform me so I wouldn't make such an egregious error in what I assumed was a well-rounded friendship? Any advice would be great. -- WANTING TO SCREAM IN EUGENE

DEAR WANTING: I think one lesson to be learned here is that some people are not comfortable with sexual humor. Another is that it is a mistake to assume that everyone is straight or cisgender.

I'm sorry that the young person was embarrassed. Your apology should have been directed at them, not their mother. But since the mother has now decreed you persona non grata, you will have to accept it. It's unfortunate. The family overreacted. What could have been handled as a simple teachable moment was blown out of proportion.

DEAR ABBY: I am about to blow my top! I am a married father of two in the military who works 12 hours daily to support my family. My wife and I are college grads and have been married five years. For those years we have maintained residence in Hawaii. My wife doesn't work and tries to run a day care that is mildly successful.

Our home is always dirty because, as she puts it, she is not a housemaid. She doesn't cook often either. Many times I come home so tired I can't see, and the house is a mess. This has caused arguments.

My thinking is, if she's not going to take care of the house, she should get a job and help with the finances. The money she gets from the day care doesn't go toward the household. She considers it her spending money.

I am ready to bounce and find greener pastures. I have tried talking to her, but she ignores my complaints and plays the victim. We have already tried counseling. It doesn't work because she goes back to her normal self afterward. Help! -- PEEVED IN THE PACIFIC

DEAR PEEVED: Marriage is supposed to be a partnership and, from what you have written, your wife is unwilling to contribute to it. I can't change her and neither can you. Because counseling hasn't resolved your obvious lack of compatibility, it's time to consult a lawyer.