DEAR ABBY: For the last 12 years, we have been traveling 7 1/2 hours to see my husband's grandparents. This happens several times a year. Each time I pray it will be the last visit.

Invariably, when we return home, I am sick for about a week, and it's getting worse. At 96, Grandma isn't cleaning the house (Grandpa died four years ago). She lives on her own in the country. Grandma has fallen, can't cook for herself and still drives. The closest family member lives seven hours away.

Grandma has always been a manipulator, and I'm tired of how she treats her family. She uses the "financial inheritance" for leverage. My family has things planned out in advance about what to do when someone has reached a certain age.

I'm tired of subjecting myself to this, let alone facing Grandma's wrath. The rest of the family accepts it for what it is. They don't want to upset her, so they give in and accommodate. Do I have the right to back out? -- WANTS TO RUN AWAY

DEAR WANTS: Before backing out, may I recommend that you and your husband discuss this with all of the relatives involved? It seems to me that a group intervention for Granny may be in order.

If she has enough money that she's successfully holding it over everyone's heads, she has enough to hire someone to clean her house for her on a weekly or monthly basis. Rather than pray for her demise, ask yourself, "If she's not cleaning and cooking, how IS she taking care of herself?"

Contact the senior center nearest to where this poor woman lives, or the closest Area Agency on Aging and ask what can be done to help her. If not you, then your husband's parents, aunts and uncles should do this. Ignoring her condition could be considered elder abuse.

DEAR ABBY: I have never seen this issue discussed anywhere but cannot believe I'm the only person who is dismayed by the tradition of bringing casseroles to the homes of the bereaved.

When my father died, my mother and I hosted a post-memorial get-together at her home. Each of my parents' many friends and acquaintances brought a casserole. Mom's refrigerator was always full, so there was no room after the seventh casserole. My mother told me to take the rest to the basement and say it was put in the freezer. My parents never owned a freezer, so after everyone left, we put 17 casseroles down the garbage disposal.

Please make your readers aware that post-funeral food is often inconvenient even if the thought is appreciated. A restaurant gift card accomplishes the same thing and assures the family will end up with something they actually like. -- ENOUGH IS TOO MUCH

DEAR ENOUGH: That the love, effort and expense your parents' friends went to ended up down the drain is a shame. I am printing your letter because your suggestion makes sense and readers may appreciate it. If this happens to other readers, it would not be ungracious to be honest. Explain there is no more room in the fridge or freezer and suggest the food be taken with the mourners when they leave.

DEAR ABBY: My stepbrother "Pete" is a recovering addict who did significant prison time for possession and gang affiliations. He has also had multiple DUI convictions. He's been out for two years and is holding a job and taking care of his kids part-time.

My parents think he's completely rehabilitated, but I think he's using again, based on his behavior. He has tried to get my husband to give him some of a prescription medication he takes, and jokes about "acting good" when with family but not at home.

I decided I no longer want to be around Pete, particularly with my children, and I asked my parents not to have him over while we are visiting. They said they understood, but the last time we went for a weekend, Pete was there with his son, and it was really uncomfortable. Now they say they just want us to all get along and that I'm "snobby" for wanting to exclude Pete.

I have reached a point where I'm no longer willing to visit them because I can't trust them. They won't come to my house, but are mad at me for "withholding their grandkids from them" (their words) and "breaking up the family." What are my obligations in this situation, and is it reasonable to insist we visit without Pete? I hate to make them choose, but I also feel like this is a safety issue. -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN MINNESOTA

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: As a parent, you have to do what you think is best for your children. I wish you had explained your parents' reason for not visiting your home, because it appears to be manipulative and a means of punishing you for sticking to your guns.

Given the fact that Pete has tried to convince your husband to share his scheduled medications and has bragged about "acting good" when with family, you are doing the right thing.

DEAR ABBY: My sister -- age 57 -- has terrible table manners. We live three hours apart but get together every two or three months to enjoy each other's company.

Recently, we went to a nice restaurant, and she let out a loud, obnoxious, disgusting burp. I was surprised and embarrassed. She quickly apologized. I said, "Can't you lower the volume and cover your mouth?" She became defensive and said, "I apologized!"

Her burping happens often, but this one was beyond the pale. I don't like it, never have. How do I communicate to her effectively to burp quietly and in a controlled manner? -- DISGUSTED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR DISGUSTED: I think you have already done that. Is it possible your sister suffers from a gastrointestinal disorder? If she hasn't brought this to the attention of her doctor, she should.

If, however, there is nothing physically wrong with her, you may be happier having your meals in a different kind of restaurant -- a loud, casual burger joint or a sports bar where no one will notice her problem while rooting for the home team.

DEAR READERS: Have a very happy and healthy Fourth of July, everyone. And please be safe! -- LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: I have been married 36 years to a woman who has saved my life and soul. We are both faithful to God and to our marriage, sharing the love of our family. We are blessed in many ways -- including a great son who is self-sufficient and prospering, and a daughter who is married and takes on any challenge with confidence.

I have one guilt-filled issue I have never shared with my wife. Prior to meeting her, for nearly 12 years through my military service and college years, I was actively bisexual. I'm not proud of this fact but learned it was more out of loneliness and experimentation than need.

This is the only thing I have never shared with my love, and I wonder if I should, as it weighs heavy on my heart. It melts me when she says "I love you" and thanks me for sharing my life with her. I have prayed to God about this. Should I share this with my wife? -- DIFFERENT PERSON NOW

DEAR DIFFERENT: I see nothing positive to be gained by opening this long-closed chapter of your life with your wife at this late date. Because you feel the need to talk about this, do it with your spiritual adviser.

DEAR ABBY: I am a big-breasted woman who is suffering because of them. My doctor told me I'm a good candidate for a breast reduction, which I am thrilled about. My problem is my husband is 100% against my having the procedure. He gets mad when I bring it up and refuses to budge.

I'm a 65-year-old woman with arthritis, which makes my back and neck pain even worse. How can I get him to change his mind? I'm the one who's suffering, and I don't think he's being fair. -- LOOKING FOR RELIEF IN FLORIDA

DEAR LOOKING: This is not a question of fairness. It's a question of quality of life. Many women have had breast reduction surgery for the reason you are contemplating it. Your husband may have a breast fetish or possibly regard them as his "property."

I recommend he accompany you to your next doctor's appointment so the doctor can help him understand why the procedure is necessary and what the result will be afterward. However, in the final analysis, your breasts are yours, not his, and you should be able to do with them whatever you like.

DEAR ABBY: What does one do in the case of lending out DVDs and never seeing them again? This happened to me at the start of the year. The perpetrators are members of the church I attend. One is the assistant pastor.

When I have asked about my DVDs, the borrowers have been very vague. I think those who attend one's church should be trustworthy. What do you think I should do besides refuse to lend anything? -- MIFFED IN MISSOURI

DEAR MIFFED: Your DVDs may have been lost, damaged or loaned to someone else who didn't return them. In any of those scenarios, the person(s) who failed to return the items should have offered to repay you for them. That no one did reflects badly on the borrowers.

That said, there is nothing you can do now besides be less generous in the future. In the meantime, continue hounding the borrowers.