life

Man Tired of Dating Game Is Ready To Throw in the Towel

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 1st, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: In the last few years I have had a string of failed relationships. Nothing bad happened, and there were no fights or arguments. The ladies tell me I'm great and an amazing person. Yet they don't want to be in a relationship, or they cheat or lie to me.

I'm a very open, understanding guy. I believe communication is key to success in any relationship, and that together, there isn't much a couple can't overcome. It seems many women come from abusive relationships or just plain toxic ones, and they are scared because I don't exhibit any of those traits.

I'm a kind, caring, supportive partner. If you had a bad day, I want to hear about it. You had a good day? Let's talk about that. You want to go out with your friends? Go for it. Have fun and be safe! You want to go out with me? Don't worry about bringing your pocketbook -- I got this.

I'm looking for a partner, someone who eventually may become my queen. These women love that about me but then do everything to distance themselves. It appears nice guys finish last. I'm not bad looking -- I'm 34, go to the gym regularly, no kids, no marriages. I was engaged for four years previously.

I'm ready to give up on relationships altogether; the pain just doesn't seem worth it. After a while, though, it gets lonely. Please give me some advice. -- SOMEBODY'S BOYFRIEND IN MICHIGAN

DEAR BOYFRIEND: Something is clearly wrong here. Where are you meeting these women who cheat and lie? You may need to go fishing in different waters. And has it occurred to you that in your loneliness you may be trying too hard, which may scare them off?

Having never met you, I can't guess what you might be doing wrong, if anything. It's time to start asking your married friends why they think this is happening repeatedly. Perhaps they can suggest some "tweaks" or introduce you to women who will appreciate the fine qualities you possess.

Love & Dating
life

Man's Attachment to Late Wife's Family Disturbs His Current Spouse

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 1st, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband's first wife died 17 years ago. They were married for 20 years. We have been together 14 years, married for 12. He still insists that her family is his family because of their daughter, who is an amazing young woman. We have an ongoing disagreement about this.

He can't understand why I refuse to attend functions that include only his late wife's family. He doesn't feel my family is his family, only his first wife's family. When he attends these functions alone, he comes home very angry. He tells me I don't understand and that I need to go where he goes.

I am sorry, Abby, but after another intense disagreement, I'm ready to call it the end of the road. We are both in our 60s, and it's kind of late in life for a divorce, so I would appreciate any advice you could give me. -- ARGUING A LOT IN MONTANA

DEAR ARGUING: Unless your husband's former in-laws have made you feel unwelcome, I think you should have made a greater effort to accompany him to some of those gatherings. Frankly, I am surprised you would seriously consider ending your marriage over the fact that he still considers them to be family. If ever I thought a couple should get marriage counseling, it is you two. Please consider it before consulting a lawyer.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & ParentingDeath
life

Destination Wedding Is Aimed at Shortening the Guest List

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 30th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My son and his fiancee, "Breanna," have planned a destination wedding in another country. Breanna's mother's family vacations there every couple of years, so they decided to have the wedding there when her extended family will be vacationing.

The reason Breanna gave me was that she is embarrassed by some of my family members and doesn't want to introduce them to her family, so a destination wedding eliminates those people from attending. When I told Breanna's stepfather what she said, Breanna denied ever making the statement!

I told my son how hurt I am that she doesn't want our side of the family to attend (including his father, brother and myself), since the cost for travel and accommodations will be approximately $3,500 per person. He said he doesn't want to ruin her special day and changed the subject.

I would love to see my son get married (even though I have a bitter taste in my mouth), but we can't afford to attend unless we take out a second mortgage or dip into our 401(k). Are we bad parents for not attending our own son's wedding? -- STRUGGLING MOTHER OF THE GROOM

DEAR MOTHER: That your son's fiancee verbalized what she did is shocking. It shows how little respect she has for your feelings and her lack of manners or class. A marriage is supposed to be a blending of TWO families, something this young woman -- and her family -- appears unwilling or unable to recognize. That your son would accept this because their wedding is "her" day is disappointing. Under the circumstances, you and your family should not go into debt to attend this wedding.

Holidays & CelebrationsMoneyFamily & Parenting
life

Dying Dad Wonders How to Tell Distant Children

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 30th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a father of four. My sons are 62 and 52. The older one calls me about every two months; the younger one hasn't called me in nearly two years. One of my daughters last spoke to me three years ago. My remaining child, a daughter, stays in regular contact with me about once a week. They all live far away out west. I have tried to contact each of my children lovingly, but have not been successful for the most part.

I now have end-stage cardiac disease and will soon be joining hospice. When I do that, I'll be faced with the decision of how much to tell my kids about my condition. In view of our distant relationships, I'm not inclined to tell them very much, since they have been so unresponsive in the past. I would welcome your suggestions. -- PONDERING IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR PONDERING: I am sorry about your diagnosis. I don't know whether something caused the distance between you and your three older children, or whether they are completely focused on themselves and their own lives. I do think you should disclose to all of them what is going on so amends can be made if possible. And, of course, the daughter who is close to you should know so she can be as supportive as she has always been and begin preparing herself emotionally for what is coming. She may also be helpful in spreading the word among her siblings.

Family & ParentingDeath
life

Couple's Future Is Clouded by Question of Having Kids

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 29th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 19-year-old girl who's been with my boyfriend for two years. We are a wonderful match and love each other very much. There's just one flaw in our relationship that I hold lots of guilt over. From the beginning, we have both known he would like to have kids, and I have always known that I do not. I don't want biological children, and I have no desire to adopt. I'm not maternal.

My boyfriend and I had a deep conversation about it a while back when we realized there could actually be a future between us. He said he is willing to put aside his desire for kids so he can have a future with me. I feel guilty that I'm not the ideal woman for him. Should I break it off so he can find someone who wants children, or should I trust in his statement that his life really will be fulfilled with only me and no children? -- GUILTY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR GUILTY: Not wanting children is nothing to feel guilty about. Many women feel as you do about the lifetime responsibilities of becoming a mother. I do think you would be wise to have several more "deep" conversations with your boyfriend to make sure he fully understands how serious you are on this subject and what marriage to you will mean. In addition, premarital counseling could be helpful to ensure you both are on the same page about other issues that might crop up.

Love & DatingFamily & ParentingTeens
life

Loss of Dog Deals Owner a Devastating Blow

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 29th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I recently had to put my 14-year-old dog to sleep. I adopted her when she was 2 and had her for 12 years. She had health issues, dementia, incontinence, and more importantly, she was no longer herself.

It was a very difficult decision, but the right one. I know this in my heart, but I am severely depressed. I can't stop reliving the image of her death. (I stayed with her during the procedure.) I am losing sleep and interest in everything. I have another pet at home (a cat), and I will soon have my dog's ashes back.

My kitty brings me a lot of joy, but my house seems so empty and quiet without my dog. I'm not ready to adopt another one, and not sure if I ever want to again. I have done volunteer work for a pet organization in the area, but I just cannot be around any other pets right now -- especially dogs. I have a hard time just walking down the pet aisle in the grocery store.

I know time is the best healer, but I can't seem to shake this. What would you suggest? -- GRIEVING FOR MY LOSS

DEAR GRIEVING: You loved your dog, and you have suffered an important loss. You would not be normal if you weren't grieving. Eventually the things that trigger you will become fewer, and when that happens, you will be ready to move forward. Have faith in that. If your sleeplessness and lack of interest in things that previously brought you happiness continue, however, you should discuss it with your doctor.

Mental Health

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