DEAR ABBY: Every summer, my husband and I, our two boys and my parents would take several vacations at Mom and Dad's lake home. This is where Dad grew up and where we spent countless vacations as children. It holds much sentimental value to us all. We were lucky enough to have our own space upstairs and were free to enjoy the home as if it was ours. We always contributed to groceries and cleaning before we left, and it was very enjoyable for everyone.

My mother passed away last year after a long battle with a debilitating disease. Dad is planning to retire soon and move permanently to the lake home, which is about seven hours away. However, he has found a girlfriend he has become close to, and upon retiring, he plans to have her move in with him.

I am thrilled that Dad has found someone, but I'm left wondering how to handle visits to our beloved vacation spot once Dad's new lady moves in. He insists we visit as we naturally would, which usually means staying several nights as it is quite far away. We don't know Dad's lady very well yet, and I'm feeling awkward about visiting. Do we continue to treat this as we once did, like it is partly ours? What's proper etiquette here? -- THROWN IN SOUTH DAKOTA

DEAR THROWN: Your father has made it plain that he would like you to visit "as you naturally would." Because you are feeling awkward, this is something you should discuss with him, if only to make sure he will be able to welcome you as he has in the past. It would not be a breach of etiquette to level with him about what's on your mind. Once you start going there and interacting, you will get to know his lady friend, and she will get to know you -- and that should break the ice.

DEAR ABBY: I'm the youngest of five, and all of us are successful in our own ways -- except for our middle youngest sibling. She dropped out of college, had a bad breakup with a married man and has given up all hope and efforts to live a normal life.

She's 34, refuses to work and still lives with our parents. She trashed the vehicle our father bought and paid for, and walks around the house talking to herself, which I believe is for attention because I have had serious conversations with her. I've tried several times to be a sympathetic ear and encouraged her to find a job, but it's not working.

What can we do to help her get a job and move? She's a burden on our family, and it's depressing to have her present for family events she doesn't dress for or make an effort to receive other family members. If this continues, I'm scared of what may happen after our parents pass. What can be done for an adult who refuses to grow up and move on? -- HOPELESS IN GEORGIA

DEAR HOPELESS: I have another idea why your sister walks around the house talking to herself and can't motivate herself to be independent. She may be severely depressed or suffering from other mental problems. Talk to your parents and tell them they are not helping her by ignoring the fact that she isn't functional. They need to insist that, as a condition of staying with them, she talk to a mental health professional.

DEAR ABBY: My niece, "Amelia," was a straight-A student in high school. She took advanced placement courses from 10th grade through 12th and was in all honors classes. She talked about going into the medical field after she got her college degree. Before starting college she wanted to take a year off and just live life because she'd had so many college-level courses almost her entire high school life.

My sister (her mother) and I talk every day. Amelia has left home now and returned to their home state of Ohio because she loved it there when she was younger. She hasn't decided what she wants to go to school for and thinks she can afford to attend college full-time, have an apartment on her own and pay for everything she needs. No matter how many times my sister tells her she needs to move back home and attend college here so she can finish her education, Amelia still seems to think she can do it all. My sister is afraid if she pushes her too much, she will shut down. What can we do to make this girl realize life will be easier at home and with support? -- AUNT WHO CARES IN THE SOUTH

DEAR AUNT: Amelia may be suffering from burnout, which is why she wants a gap year before starting college. Because she's an adult now, she may also want some freedom that she can't have if she lives at home. The more your sister pressures her, the more Amelia will dig her heels in, so the matter should be put on the back burner for now. When the subject is raised again, it should be in a non-confrontational manner -- with a spreadsheet handy so your niece can show her mother how she plans to finance her new lifestyle.

Amelia is a high achiever. Give her credit for intelligence. She may or may not change her mind about medicine being a career she wants to pursue. This is a decision she should make without pressure, as well-intentioned as it may be.

DEAR ABBY: I am doing an ancestry search to present to my sister-in-law "Kate" as a surprise birthday gift. While doing the search, I discovered that her late mother, "Ellen," has a sister who lives nearby. My brother believes Kate knows nothing about her. For unknown reasons, Ellen hadn't spoken to almost her entire family in years; therefore, Kate knows little about them.

We're not sure if I should include Ellen's sister in the ancestry or not. I think Kate has the right to know, but I don't want to upset her. Kate and Ellen were very close, and I'm afraid if she knew her mother withheld that information, it may cause her pain, even though Ellen has been gone nearly 15 years. What are your thoughts? -- DON'T WANT TO CAUSE PAIN

DEAR DON'T: There is always a reason for family estrangements. Ellen may have been hurt or mistreated by her relatives, which is why she separated herself from them. However, Kate is an adult and should have the information you discovered to do with as she pleases, which includes ignoring it.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband and I have been divorced for five years. I have sole custody of our 6-year-old son, "Charlie." My ex lives five hours away with his current wife and her four children. He makes time to see our son only a few times a year.

Anytime he drives down to see Charlie, he always brings someone with him, whether it's his wife or one of her kids. He has never once come alone to spend quality one-on-one time with his son. I have asked him several times to come by himself so he can bond with Charlie, but he refuses.

Charlie is having foot surgery next month and will be in the hospital overnight. My ex wants to be there, which I agree with. But he insists that his wife be there, too. I understand she's our son's stepmother, but she doesn't play an active role in Charlie's life, and I don't think it's her place to be there. Our son needs his mother and father and immediate family, not the "step" family.

Am I wrong to not want her or any of her family members there? I feel it's inappropriate and that my ex should do this on his own. And, no, I don't have any feelings for him, and I do not want him back. I also hold no ill feelings toward his current wife. -- STRUGGLING IN THE SOUTH

DEAR STRUGGLING: Your ex, his wife and her kids are a package deal. Accept this and be glad he visits his son. Surgery is no fun and can be intimidating for a child. When it's time for the procedure, your son may need all the moral support he can get. So take the high road and be warm and welcoming. Your function is to support your boy, not be his gatekeeper. And if history is prologue, I doubt they'll stick around long.

DEAR ABBY: I recently went skydiving with my beautiful best friend, "Brenda." At the airport, she overheard the skydiving instructor say he wanted "the pretty one." He was talking about me.

Brenda took me aside and complained to me that he found me more attractive than her. Abby, usually she's the one who gets all the second looks from guys. She was really annoyed that I got that kind of attention. This has left me wondering, what kind of best friend is she? I have never competed with her. What should I do? -- BESTIE IN KANSAS

DEAR BESTIE: Take a fresh look at your relationship with her. Recognize that although you have never competed with Brenda, she appears to feel competitive with you. If the subject of the incident at the airport comes up again, remind her that although she is usually the one who gets the attention from guys, this was your turn. A true friend would be happy to share some of the spotlight.

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