DEAR ABBY: I have known "Charlotte" for 17 years. She was a bridesmaid at my wedding, and we talk and text regularly. I consider her one of my best friends.

Charlotte has had a tough couple years and has sunk into a depression. We live on opposite sides of the country, so I don't see her in person often, but I can hear the change in our phone conversations. She even admits that she's in a depression.

Recently, she told me she feels she no longer has a reason to live and has considered harming herself. Because I live so far away, I couldn't get to her so I could be there for her, but I called a mutual friend ("Sandy") who lives nearby and asked her to check on my friend. Charlotte didn't mention anything to Sandy about the way she was feeling or her thoughts of suicide and pretended like everything was OK.

I know things are not OK, and I'm extremely worried that Charlotte may hurt herself in a moment of despair. She has a therapist she sees on occasion, and I have urged Charlotte to be honest with her about her feelings. Charlotte says she will, but I'm not sure if she actually does.

How do I help her? Should I go visit her to show her she has friends who love and support her? Is there anything more I can do than encourage her to stick with counseling? -- WORRIED SICK IN INDIANA

DEAR WORRIED: If you know the name of Charlotte's therapist, you could write the person a letter about your friend confiding to you that she feels she has no reason to live anymore and has considered harming herself. Because of privacy laws, the therapist may not be able to communicate with you, but at least she will be aware. Whether Charlotte was serious or just venting, this is something her therapist would be in a better position to help with than you are from a distance.

DEAR ABBY: I am almost 50 and have huge regrets about a terrible decision I made in my late 20s. I was married to my high school sweetheart when an older married man came into my life. He told me everything I wanted to hear and showered me with all the attention I was missing from my husband. I became swept up in the fairy tale fantasy and hurt my husband, my true love, deeply.

Of course, nothing the married man said was true. He never followed through on his promises. I knew the affair was wrong and it typically never works out, but I thought this was different and we'd live happily ever after.

I try not to dwell on how differently my life would have turned out if I hadn't fallen starry-eyed in puppy love for that man. I only have myself to blame. Please warn your readers to not make the same mistake. Enjoy the life you have, especially when you are young. The grass is NOT greener on the other side. It may look better, but trust me, there's a lot of hidden weeds. -- WISED UP IN GEORGIA

DEAR WISED UP: Having an affair is never a good idea. Yours taught you an important, hard-earned lesson. Thank you for wanting to share it with my readers.

DEAR ABBY: My mother is 86 and drives everyone in the family crazy when we have to spend time with her. She says things that make people cringe. She's racist, homophobic, judgmental and critical of everybody and everything.

When we try to point out that what she says hurts people, she starts going into how much she is hurt -- daily -- by all of us, how "mean" we are to her, and how we are her family and need to be more loving. We all feel sorry for her and hate how lonely she is. We include her in all major holidays and family celebrations, but she is usually the cause of a major blowup or an overall downer for the gathering.

I wish I could help her see that she's her own worst enemy. I hate the idea of excluding Mom from family gatherings, but it is nearing that point. She has no friends. She goes to radical political meetings and constantly tries to push her health products on us.

Do you have any suggestions for how to respond to someone who is so difficult for the whole family? I do love Mom and care about her, but am at my wits' end. -- REACHED THE END OF MY ROPE

DEAR REACHED: Your mother isn't friendless. Her friends are the kindred spirits she sees at the radical political meetings. Because she disrupts family gatherings, you and your siblings need to work out a schedule so each of you sees Mom and takes her out individually. Ignore her comments as much as possible.

Will it be fun? Probably not. But more of her time will be filled, and you all will be able to enjoy the celebrations with her absent.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a receptionist. There's a growing trend that people don't bother to listen to their voicemail. Instead they'll call our firm and say, "Someone from your office called me. I want to speak with them." They get angry with me when I tell them I have no way of knowing who called them. Our firm is a large one.

I don't know why people are so lazy and inconsiderate that they don't listen to their messages. In a couple of instances important information was left on their voicemail, and the person missed critical deadlines that cost us money. The head of my firm deals with a lot of younger clients, and it seems the younger the person is, the less likely they will listen to any of their voicemails, or their voicemail boxes are full, so it's impossible to leave a message for them. -- FRUSTRATED RECEPTIONIST

DEAR FRUSTRATED: If someone calls the main number, it may be that it's the one that showed up on the person's phone. Tell the caller that he or she has reached the MAIN number, and you need the name of the person before you can make the connection. It's the truth. It might also be helpful to suggest to your boss that because younger clients often don't listen to their voicemails or pick up when their phone rings, sending them an email or text might be more efficient.

DEAR ABBY: My mom has never been what you would call a housekeeper. Dad did all the shopping, cooking and cleaning. As a child, I remember our house always being a mess. Mom worked, and I don't know why she never felt like she needed to clean up after herself. My dad would straighten up after her, and there were often arguments about it.

Fast forward. Dad passed away three years ago, and my mom hasn't changed. She leaves things all over the house like she did before -- dishes, bowls, soda cans, shoes. The first year, I would go over and clean only to return a couple of days later and find the place a mess again. She won't let cleaning people in because she "doesn't like the smell of the cleaning products."

I feel like a bad daughter because at this point, I won't go over to her house anymore. I cannot spend time there. If this were new behavior, I would be concerned, but it's been this way as long as I can remember. She seems to not care that the place is a mess all the time. I feel bad for not helping her anymore. My daughter won't visit her either. What do I do? -- MIFFED ABOUT THE MESS IN VIRGINIA

DEAR MIFFED: Don't feel guilty. Because your mother is the way she is and always has been like this, take her out or to your home when you want to visit with her.

DEAR ABBY: I found out a few years ago that the first love of my life, my college sweetheart, was murdered by her husband in 1999. At the time, I was married. My wife died three years ago, and I now live with a significant other.

I never got closure. Now that I know about my girlfriend's brutal death, I have thought about contacting her family, who live in another state. Would it be all right to do that, or am I just reliving my past and need to move on? I am torn about what to do. What do you suggest? -- CONFLICTED IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR CONFLICTED: Write her parents a letter and tell them you only recently heard about your former girlfriend's death. And when you do, express to them that she will always live in your heart, and share a pleasant memory of her with them. I'm sure they will be appreciative.

DEAR ABBY: It's time someone publicized this. Chewing ice in your tea, coffee or soft drink is as rude as eating your food or cracking your gum with your mouth open.

As I write this, I am sitting in a nice neighborhood coffee shop. The man next to me ordered an iced beverage, which he has been chomping through for the last 10 minutes. This is rude under any conditions, but magnified by the fact that some of us are going over work matters and trying to enjoy a coffee and muffin break. Moreover, it is not good for teeth. Even if the ice crunching habit were benign with regard to health, it's inconsiderate of those in earshot. -- BREAKING THE ICE

DEAR BREAKING: Has it occurred to you and your co-workers to move to another table if the crunching annoys you? If it hasn't, I recommend it.