DEAR ABBY: My mother is 86 and drives everyone in the family crazy when we have to spend time with her. She says things that make people cringe. She's racist, homophobic, judgmental and critical of everybody and everything.

When we try to point out that what she says hurts people, she starts going into how much she is hurt -- daily -- by all of us, how "mean" we are to her, and how we are her family and need to be more loving. We all feel sorry for her and hate how lonely she is. We include her in all major holidays and family celebrations, but she is usually the cause of a major blowup or an overall downer for the gathering.

I wish I could help her see that she's her own worst enemy. I hate the idea of excluding Mom from family gatherings, but it is nearing that point. She has no friends. She goes to radical political meetings and constantly tries to push her health products on us.

Do you have any suggestions for how to respond to someone who is so difficult for the whole family? I do love Mom and care about her, but am at my wits' end. -- REACHED THE END OF MY ROPE

DEAR REACHED: Your mother isn't friendless. Her friends are the kindred spirits she sees at the radical political meetings. Because she disrupts family gatherings, you and your siblings need to work out a schedule so each of you sees Mom and takes her out individually. Ignore her comments as much as possible.

Will it be fun? Probably not. But more of her time will be filled, and you all will be able to enjoy the celebrations with her absent.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a receptionist. There's a growing trend that people don't bother to listen to their voicemail. Instead they'll call our firm and say, "Someone from your office called me. I want to speak with them." They get angry with me when I tell them I have no way of knowing who called them. Our firm is a large one.

I don't know why people are so lazy and inconsiderate that they don't listen to their messages. In a couple of instances important information was left on their voicemail, and the person missed critical deadlines that cost us money. The head of my firm deals with a lot of younger clients, and it seems the younger the person is, the less likely they will listen to any of their voicemails, or their voicemail boxes are full, so it's impossible to leave a message for them. -- FRUSTRATED RECEPTIONIST

DEAR FRUSTRATED: If someone calls the main number, it may be that it's the one that showed up on the person's phone. Tell the caller that he or she has reached the MAIN number, and you need the name of the person before you can make the connection. It's the truth. It might also be helpful to suggest to your boss that because younger clients often don't listen to their voicemails or pick up when their phone rings, sending them an email or text might be more efficient.

DEAR ABBY: My mom has never been what you would call a housekeeper. Dad did all the shopping, cooking and cleaning. As a child, I remember our house always being a mess. Mom worked, and I don't know why she never felt like she needed to clean up after herself. My dad would straighten up after her, and there were often arguments about it.

Fast forward. Dad passed away three years ago, and my mom hasn't changed. She leaves things all over the house like she did before -- dishes, bowls, soda cans, shoes. The first year, I would go over and clean only to return a couple of days later and find the place a mess again. She won't let cleaning people in because she "doesn't like the smell of the cleaning products."

I feel like a bad daughter because at this point, I won't go over to her house anymore. I cannot spend time there. If this were new behavior, I would be concerned, but it's been this way as long as I can remember. She seems to not care that the place is a mess all the time. I feel bad for not helping her anymore. My daughter won't visit her either. What do I do? -- MIFFED ABOUT THE MESS IN VIRGINIA

DEAR MIFFED: Don't feel guilty. Because your mother is the way she is and always has been like this, take her out or to your home when you want to visit with her.

DEAR ABBY: I found out a few years ago that the first love of my life, my college sweetheart, was murdered by her husband in 1999. At the time, I was married. My wife died three years ago, and I now live with a significant other.

I never got closure. Now that I know about my girlfriend's brutal death, I have thought about contacting her family, who live in another state. Would it be all right to do that, or am I just reliving my past and need to move on? I am torn about what to do. What do you suggest? -- CONFLICTED IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR CONFLICTED: Write her parents a letter and tell them you only recently heard about your former girlfriend's death. And when you do, express to them that she will always live in your heart, and share a pleasant memory of her with them. I'm sure they will be appreciative.

DEAR ABBY: It's time someone publicized this. Chewing ice in your tea, coffee or soft drink is as rude as eating your food or cracking your gum with your mouth open.

As I write this, I am sitting in a nice neighborhood coffee shop. The man next to me ordered an iced beverage, which he has been chomping through for the last 10 minutes. This is rude under any conditions, but magnified by the fact that some of us are going over work matters and trying to enjoy a coffee and muffin break. Moreover, it is not good for teeth. Even if the ice crunching habit were benign with regard to health, it's inconsiderate of those in earshot. -- BREAKING THE ICE

DEAR BREAKING: Has it occurred to you and your co-workers to move to another table if the crunching annoys you? If it hasn't, I recommend it.

DEAR ABBY: I have been happily married for more than 40 years. Since he retired a couple of years ago, it has come to my attention that he has been getting mail at a separate private mailbox. I don't see a good reason for this, and it is weighing on me heavily.

I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but I'm concerned. He sees all our bills and evidently pays other ones I'm not aware of. Because of this, I feel like a second-class citizen who is too stupid to know all the ins and outs of our finances.

Because I don't see anything he buys or pays for, I remain in the dark. Conversely, he sees where every penny I spend goes. It's not that he isn't generous; I lack for nothing. It's that he is secretive. (I don't think he is into porn or something else nefarious.)

At this stage in my marriage, have you any advice for me? If I confront him, I'm not confident he would give me all the information. Am I being too demanding? Should I let sleeping dogs lie? -- IN THE DARK IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR IN THE DARK: Unless you want to become like so many unfortunate women whose husbands keep the details of their finances from "the little woman," you will tell your husband you want to know how much money you both have, how it is invested and where it goes. If he is resistant, explain that women usually outlive their husbands, and you do not want to be caught flat-footed in addition to grieving in the event of his demise. If your marriage is as strong as you describe, he should recognize the wisdom in it. Right now the mailbox is the least of your worries. Save that conversation for another time.

DEAR ABBY: I recently got engaged, and my wedding is a year and a half away. My best friend, "Crystal," is going to be my maid of honor.

I know everyone has different insecurities, so I'm letting my bridesmaids choose their own dresses as long as they are the right color. However, I'm worried about Crystal and her dress. She's larger than the other girls. I know she will want to lose weight for the wedding. She has been saying she wants to lose weight for some time. Unfortunately, she isn't committed, and she stress eats.

I was thinking about having her come with me and buying a dress for her. While I'm trying to keep the dresses cheap, I know they can be expensive. Should I order the size Crystal thinks she will get down to? Current size? Bigger? I know it's usually better to order up because it's easier to make dresses smaller than larger. I don't know what to do and don't want to insult her. -- BAFFLED BRIDE

DEAR BAFFLED BRIDE: The responsibility for choosing a dress that fits should be Crystal's, not yours. If you insert yourself into the process, and the dress is too small by the time the wedding rolls around, the blame may fall on you. If you suggest she buy something (in the right color) closer to the date of the wedding, the chances are better that it will fit.