DEAR ABBY: My mom has never been what you would call a housekeeper. Dad did all the shopping, cooking and cleaning. As a child, I remember our house always being a mess. Mom worked, and I don't know why she never felt like she needed to clean up after herself. My dad would straighten up after her, and there were often arguments about it.

Fast forward. Dad passed away three years ago, and my mom hasn't changed. She leaves things all over the house like she did before -- dishes, bowls, soda cans, shoes. The first year, I would go over and clean only to return a couple of days later and find the place a mess again. She won't let cleaning people in because she "doesn't like the smell of the cleaning products."

I feel like a bad daughter because at this point, I won't go over to her house anymore. I cannot spend time there. If this were new behavior, I would be concerned, but it's been this way as long as I can remember. She seems to not care that the place is a mess all the time. I feel bad for not helping her anymore. My daughter won't visit her either. What do I do? -- MIFFED ABOUT THE MESS IN VIRGINIA

DEAR MIFFED: Don't feel guilty. Because your mother is the way she is and always has been like this, take her out or to your home when you want to visit with her.

DEAR ABBY: I found out a few years ago that the first love of my life, my college sweetheart, was murdered by her husband in 1999. At the time, I was married. My wife died three years ago, and I now live with a significant other.

I never got closure. Now that I know about my girlfriend's brutal death, I have thought about contacting her family, who live in another state. Would it be all right to do that, or am I just reliving my past and need to move on? I am torn about what to do. What do you suggest? -- CONFLICTED IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR CONFLICTED: Write her parents a letter and tell them you only recently heard about your former girlfriend's death. And when you do, express to them that she will always live in your heart, and share a pleasant memory of her with them. I'm sure they will be appreciative.

DEAR ABBY: It's time someone publicized this. Chewing ice in your tea, coffee or soft drink is as rude as eating your food or cracking your gum with your mouth open.

As I write this, I am sitting in a nice neighborhood coffee shop. The man next to me ordered an iced beverage, which he has been chomping through for the last 10 minutes. This is rude under any conditions, but magnified by the fact that some of us are going over work matters and trying to enjoy a coffee and muffin break. Moreover, it is not good for teeth. Even if the ice crunching habit were benign with regard to health, it's inconsiderate of those in earshot. -- BREAKING THE ICE

DEAR BREAKING: Has it occurred to you and your co-workers to move to another table if the crunching annoys you? If it hasn't, I recommend it.

DEAR ABBY: I have been happily married for more than 40 years. Since he retired a couple of years ago, it has come to my attention that he has been getting mail at a separate private mailbox. I don't see a good reason for this, and it is weighing on me heavily.

I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but I'm concerned. He sees all our bills and evidently pays other ones I'm not aware of. Because of this, I feel like a second-class citizen who is too stupid to know all the ins and outs of our finances.

Because I don't see anything he buys or pays for, I remain in the dark. Conversely, he sees where every penny I spend goes. It's not that he isn't generous; I lack for nothing. It's that he is secretive. (I don't think he is into porn or something else nefarious.)

At this stage in my marriage, have you any advice for me? If I confront him, I'm not confident he would give me all the information. Am I being too demanding? Should I let sleeping dogs lie? -- IN THE DARK IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR IN THE DARK: Unless you want to become like so many unfortunate women whose husbands keep the details of their finances from "the little woman," you will tell your husband you want to know how much money you both have, how it is invested and where it goes. If he is resistant, explain that women usually outlive their husbands, and you do not want to be caught flat-footed in addition to grieving in the event of his demise. If your marriage is as strong as you describe, he should recognize the wisdom in it. Right now the mailbox is the least of your worries. Save that conversation for another time.

DEAR ABBY: I recently got engaged, and my wedding is a year and a half away. My best friend, "Crystal," is going to be my maid of honor.

I know everyone has different insecurities, so I'm letting my bridesmaids choose their own dresses as long as they are the right color. However, I'm worried about Crystal and her dress. She's larger than the other girls. I know she will want to lose weight for the wedding. She has been saying she wants to lose weight for some time. Unfortunately, she isn't committed, and she stress eats.

I was thinking about having her come with me and buying a dress for her. While I'm trying to keep the dresses cheap, I know they can be expensive. Should I order the size Crystal thinks she will get down to? Current size? Bigger? I know it's usually better to order up because it's easier to make dresses smaller than larger. I don't know what to do and don't want to insult her. -- BAFFLED BRIDE

DEAR BAFFLED BRIDE: The responsibility for choosing a dress that fits should be Crystal's, not yours. If you insert yourself into the process, and the dress is too small by the time the wedding rolls around, the blame may fall on you. If you suggest she buy something (in the right color) closer to the date of the wedding, the chances are better that it will fit.

DEAR ABBY: My sister "Thea" has distanced herself from the family. I understand why she did. Our parents were mentally, physically and emotionally abusive while we were growing up, with one who instigated the issues and the other taking it out on us kids.

I feel stuck in the middle of chaos. My parents have started to work on their behaviors and make amends for past conduct. It comes a bit too late for apologies, even for me, but I decided to give them a second chance since they seem sincere. Thea told them she wants nothing to do with them.

Recently, she contacted me asking me to suggest that my parents help out a family member who was in dire straits. I told Thea I would suggest it, but I couldn't guarantee what their response would be. Their response was that if she wanted something from them, she needed to ask them herself and not through an intermediary.

I'm at a loss as to how to tell both sides that I'm tired of being the middleman, as this has become an emotional thing between all parties involved. I'm also not sure how to open the discussion for them to air their differences whether they reconcile or not. Help! -- STUCK IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR STUCK: Thea has cut herself off from your parents for good reason. You are no more "in the middle" than you want to be. Tell your sister that if a family member is in trouble, THAT person should approach your parents and ask for help, not do it through you or another intermediary.

DEAR ABBY: I have a 27-year-old son, "Bobby." He was living with me and his grandma, and two years ago he got a puppy, which I took care of, potty-trained and fed. "Champ" even slept with me. Needless to say, he became a family dog, and my 83-year-old mom became quite attached to him.

Bobby started dating a gal. After four months, they decided to move in together, and he took Champ with him. My mom has been crying every day for our pet.

Because they both work, they leave Champ home alone all day, and he howls until they get home. I asked Bobby if we could have visitation once a week because we miss Champ so much. His girlfriend got involved and told me Champ is their dog and they are not sharing him. I was very upset since he was our dog for two years.

I no longer have a relationship with my son over the dog and girlfriend, and my mother has a broken heart. Am I wrong here? -- CANINE WAR IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WAR: You weren't wrong to be upset. Your mistake was letting the disagreement cause an estrangement from your son. If Champ's incessant howling causes a problem for Bobby's neighbors, he and his girlfriend might be receptive to letting you and Grandma take him while they are working. However, if they cannot see the logic, consider adopting a rescue dog to ease your mother's aching heart and give her something else to love other than Champ.

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