DEAR ABBY: Many years ago, I had an affair with a married man. We eventually married and have had a long, happy life together. It was love at first sight for me. Both of us had children with our former spouses.

Since no one knows about our affair, I'm wondering what I should do with our love letters and the poems we wrote to each other over those five years. Neither of us wants to hurt our children or grandchildren nor be remembered negatively after our deaths. It would certainly shock them all. However, there is much information in these letters that might give insight into why we both wanted divorces so we could marry. We are getting along in years, so please advise. -- WONDERING IN TEXAS

DEAR WONDERING: I see nothing to be gained by sharing these letters and poems. You and your husband have had a long and happy union. Because nobody knows about the affair and no questions have been raised about your earlier marriages, I see nothing positive about disclosing that information after your death.

DEAR ABBY: We recently received an invitation to a party for our child's fifth-grade graduation class. The host is charging $15 per adult and $10 per fifth-grade child ("children under 5 are free"). The invitation also states that spaces are limited and we need to book our attendance with a payment method in advance.

My husband and I think this is very tacky. In addition to that, we find it poor form that this is being billed as the "party of the year" with "limited seating" for our child's class. What are we teaching our children these days? Is it a popularity contest? Is it that the kids from economically challenged homes are not welcome in our homes? What do you make of this? -- UNEASY IN MARYLAND

DEAR UNEASY: I think the amount is excessive. What I make of it is that the entire class is being invited to celebrate the occasion, but the parents who are organizing the event have decided to turn it into a profit-making venture. If this doesn't sit well with you, skip the party and plan to do something privately with your child.

DEAR ABBY: I work in a branch of a large company that puts out a candy dish for our customers. A woman from another building (different company not related to us) often cuts through our office to get to the main street and other businesses. When she comes through, she ransacks our candy dishes, looking for a couple of specific types of candy. It happens on a daily basis! We even gave her a "Christmas gift" hoping to satisfy her candy cravings. She brought the gift container back to us (empty) for next Christmas! How do we stop this behavior without being rude? -- SWEET TOOTH IN THE EAST

DEAR SWEET TOOTH: It is not rude to draw the line when someone crosses it. The next time the woman raids the candy dish, the person nearest to it should tell her plainly it is intended for customers only! As for that candy container she returned, toss it. Giving her a present for "stealing" was a mistake, so don't perpetuate it.

DEAR ABBY: My son attends an excellent public high school and has done very well. His class is scheduled to graduate in a few weeks, and "Brent" has been accepted to an excellent university.

My concern is Brent routinely reports blatant and widespread cheating throughout the school. The valedictorian cheated his way to the top of the class, a neighbor will be attending Princeton even though she was repeatedly caught cheating on tests, and another neighbor cheated on the ACT to achieve a score disproportionate to her grades and SAT scores, which allowed her admission to a distinguished university.

The school turns a blind eye to the cheating and provides only nominal punishment in cases too blatant to ignore. Brent has become disenchanted and cynical about the administration and maintaining his integrity. What advice can I give my son when all around there are examples of cheaters coming out on top? -- NOT A CHEATER

DEAR NOT A CHEATER: The cheaters may have cut in line, but don't view it as coming out on top. Point out to your son that sooner or later cheaters are usually unmasked when they arrive at college unprepared. The best advice you can give Brent would be to hang onto his integrity, resist the temptation to become bogged down in what others are doing, and study hard because -- sooner or later -- excellence and ethics are recognized.

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Stella," and I have been married 52 years. We have a daughter, "Candy," who we adopted at 3 weeks old. By the time Candy was 12 or 13, she started having less-than-desirable friends and drinking alcohol with them. Long story short, she graduated from high school, got married, then divorced, married again and has two daughters she has never raised.

We have taken our daughter to psychologists since she was 14 or 15, paid for educational opportunities she didn't complete and bought her several cars. She got into drugs and wound up in prison. Once out of prison, Stella and I sent her to three rehabilitation facilities. She walked away from the last two.

Our daughter is now 46. I am ready to stop trying to help her, but Stella, whom I love dearly, doesn't seem to be able to stop. I feel we are being enablers and should let Candy deal with her choices without further support from us. Any thoughts or comments? -- OVER IT IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR OVER IT: I agree with you. By now Stella should realize that whatever she does to help Candy won't make her independent. Your wife may feel compelled to continue because she feels responsible for the way Candy has turned out, but the only person who can help Candy is herself.

Because this is causing discord in your marriage, you and your wife should discuss this with a marriage and family therapist who may be able to help Stella recognize that she has done enough for the daughter she so clearly loves.

DEAR ABBY: I am a licensed acupuncturist. One of my patients (also male) asked me to dinner, and since he seemed like a decent guy, I decided to go. After we finished and the $60 bill arrived, he told me he had forgotten his wallet and I needed to pay, which I did. After dinner he took me back to his house to supposedly show me some recent renovations, and within 10 minutes he tried to kiss me. Fortunately for me, the date ended well enough.

He asked me out again the next week. I figured everyone deserves a second chance, so I said yes. Well, this time he took me to a more expensive restaurant and -- guess what? He forgot his wallet again. This time it cost me $90. After dinner we went for a walk by the water and, when he tried to give me a hug, he knocked my only pair of glasses into the river.

I don't know if it was pre-planned or not, but because I had driven to his house, he knew I wouldn't be able to legally drive home without my glasses. This forced me to spend the night at his house. That I am able to retell this story means I survived that night, but what do you think? Does this guy sound like a loser or what? -- STUCK WITH THE BILL

DEAR STUCK: "This guy" strikes me as irresponsible or a manipulator. At the very least he should reimburse you for the glasses.

I'm not sure if it's ethical for you to be dating a client. According to the National Certification Commission for Acupuncture and Oriental Medicine, the provider should not engage in sexual contact with a patient if the contact commences after the practitioner-patient relationship is established. Because you don't trust his motives, you should not see him again socially.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 28 years. Over the past three years, I have survived a cancer diagnosis and a serious car accident. Earlier this year, I found out my wife has been leading a double life. The doctor says it is because she's bipolar.

Over the past year, she has had five boyfriends, three online and two in person. None of what she posted online is repeatable as it is X-rated. It came to light after a checkup and blood tests that resulted in an STD diagnosis. Now my doctor wants to test me for HIV. HIV is permanent, no cure, but having it would destroy me.

I am still with my wife, but I have lost all respect. All I can think of is how I was betrayed and what little time I may have left. I don't have the money to seek help. Can you recommend some way to help me through this? -- BETRAYED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR BETRAYED: You have been through a lot, and I empathize with you. Have another talk with your doctor, and when you do, please allow him to test you. There have been major changes in the treatment of HIV since the 1980s, when it was an automatic death sentence. Many HIV-positive individuals now lead long, productive lives because they got tested and medicated, so please try to control your anxiety.

A final thought: If your wife refuses to get help for her mental illness, then you should consult a divorce lawyer.