DEAR ABBY: I'm recently married, and in my opinion, my wife has too many pets -- seven inside dogs. She also feeds the neighborhood cats, so at any given time of day, there are 10 to 18 cats in our front yard.

The dogs inside have no boundaries. They have taken over the main living space. The family room sofas are filthy and destroyed, so we can't use that space either, and it's a total eyesore. The carpet is gone, and there is dirt and dog hair everywhere.

I'm at my wits' end. I feel I have no say in this matter, and I'm constantly stressed over these living conditions. I hate going home. I have dogs with me when I eat, sleep and make love. I don't know how to approach her on this when she sees nothing wrong with it. All she sees is their cuteness. -- LIVING LIKE AN ANIMAL IN PHOENIX

DEAR LIVING: Didn't you know about your wife's love of animals while you were engaged? Explain to her that when you married her, you didn't realize you would be just another occupant in her doghouse. The living conditions you describe are not only stressful, but could also be considered a health hazard.

Contact the city or county and find out whether there are restrictions on the number of animals that homeowners are allowed to keep on their property. (I hope they have all been spayed or neutered!)

As a partner in this marriage, your wishes should be taken into consideration and a compromise worked out. I, too, am concerned about her feeding the ever-increasing number of neighborhood cats, some of which may carry diseases. One problem with leaving food out for strays is it can attract other "critters," which could endanger the cats she is trying to help.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a gay man. My sister and I are best friends. I love her dearly. Long story short, she has now taken her religious beliefs much more seriously (Christianity).

She's married, with three wonderful children (6, 4 and 2 years old) who my partner and I adore. They attend church every weekend, rehearse Bible verses with their children every night and are very active in their community.

My partner and I visit as often as we can to spend time with her and the kids. They live 200 miles away, and the drive is a long one, so we stay overnight. On our last visit, she pulled me aside and expressed how uncomfortable she and her husband have been feeling with the sleeping arrangement. They don't agree with us sleeping in the same room because we are "not married."

I know it's more than that -- it is because we are not a straight couple. They said they prefer we sleep in different rooms when we visit them. My partner and I feel devastated, sad and obviously blindsided. We don't know what to do. Can you help? -- SECOND-CLASS CITIZEN

DEAR SECOND CLASS: From your description, it's unlikely that your sister and her husband will become more accepting than they are. As I see it, you have no choice but to "turn the other cheek" and spend your nights in a nearby hotel or motel. That may be the sacrifice you have to make to maintain your close relationship with the kids. If you and your partner eventually decide to marry, do not be surprised if it does not change the situation.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my 30s and correspond with a pen pal. She is over 65 and lives several states away. We have never met in person. We have been writing each other for seven years. Recently, she has been having memory problems. She has indicated that she's done testing and been to doctor's appointments for the issue.

Her letters are becoming confusing as she's repeating herself from one letter to the next, telling me things she's already told me. Also, more concerning is that she often accuses me (meanly and out of her normal kind character) of not responding to her letters and saying I mustn't want to be her pen pal anymore. Abby, I put lots of thought into the letters I send, and they are many pages long.

I have now taken to photocopying my letters or typing them and saving the file so if she says she's missing a letter from me, I can simply mail a second copy to her. This clears up the physical issue of repeat sending, but honestly, mentally and emotionally, I'm beginning to get burned out. I feel bad for thinking this way because I'm compassionate and empathetic.

Losing one's memory has to be scary, and I have enjoyed writing her for so long and wouldn't want to abandon her. Also, I wonder if her writing to me is a good activity for her, given her ailment. Truthfully, though, I'm starting to feel hurt and abused. Can you advise? -- NEEDING A BREAK IN ILLINOIS

DEAR NEEDING: It is very important that you remind yourself that what you are experiencing with your friend is not her fault. It is caused by her disease. Do you know if she has family nearby? If so, they should be contacted and informed about what's going on.

Dementias are often progressive, and at some point, your friend may no longer be able to correspond with you. My thought would be that you continue to write to her, but make your letters shorter and less frequent, and do not personalize what's going on.

DEAR ABBY: I have a grandson who is turning 3. My son's fiancee, "Tina," watches him frequently while my daughter, "Lila," works. On several occasions, Tina has done things I don't agree with, but I have kept my peace. However, today Lila called me, extremely upset.

Apparently, while Tina was watching my grandson, she had another little boy there who is the same age as my grandson. She had taken it upon herself to potty train the boys, although nobody asked her to, and offered them ice cream if they used the potty. The other boy used it and was given ice cream. My grandson refused and didn't get any. He cried because he had to watch the other child enjoy the treat.

I think it was cruel. Children learn at their own pace. My son is siding with his fiancee, Tina, and everyone is upset. Any advice? -- EXTREMELY UPSET GRANDMA

DEAR UPSET GRANDMA: If she hasn't said it already, your daughter should politely make it clear to Tina that she prefers to toilet train her child without outside help. If Tina gives her an argument, Lila should make other arrangements for child care. And you should stand back and let them settle it between themselves.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband raised my son as his own from the time he was an infant. Now my son's biological father is saying he wants our son to stay away from my ex-husband. However, my ex-husband and my son have a very strong bond. I believe the bond is even stronger than what he has with his biological father.

They are both good dads, but my ex-husband devotes more one-on-one time to my son than his biological father. I am confused. Must I distance him from my ex since we are no longer married? My son is now 6. -- AT ODDS IN IOWA

DEAR AT ODDS: The boy's father may sense that his son isn't as bonded to him as he is to his former stepdad, which is why he is saying this. I have always believed that more love and positive reinforcement is better than less. By that, I mean I see no reason why you cannot expose your child to anyone you wish, including your former husband. Because you are confused about what your rights are as a mother, discuss this with an attorney.

DEAR ABBY: We have some new neighbors, and recently the wife has developed the habit of "dropping by." It is becoming apparent that she'd like to develop a social relationship -- lunches, etc. -- but this is not something I want to encourage.

My husband and I are extremely private people. What socializing we do is with family. We are willing to be good neighbors but are not interested in further involvement. In fact, we are beginning to view her visits as intrusive.

I am unsure how to approach this without offending her and appearing to be rude. Abby, you have a way of phrasing things in a positive manner, and I'd appreciate your insight as to how I can let her know her visits are not welcomed and we prefer not to establish anything beyond a cordial neighbor relationship. -- PRIVATE IN THE SOUTHEAST

DEAR PRIVATE: Phrase it this way: "We realize you are new in town and are reaching out, but my husband and I are very private people and we socialize only with family." Then suggest some options available in your community that will provide her an opportunity to get involved and meet new people.

DEAR ABBY: I have a suggestion for "Still Grieving in Montana" (Jan. 5), who found out only after the death of her brother that he was homeless. She was grieving with the thought that she had been unable to help him.

I would suggest from now on she make it a point to help other homeless men. A way to do that would be by visiting a local homeless center and doing whatever she can to lend a hand. Rather than spend more money on therapists, assisting people who need it may not only make her feel better, but also benefit the community in an important and meaningful way. -- EAST WINDSOR, N.J., READER

DEAR READER: Channeling grief into an activity can be therapeutic and can lessen depression. Thank you for writing. I'm glad you suggested it.