life

Dad With Baby Daughter Gets Questioned by Security Guards

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 26th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a working stay-at-home mom with a successful career. I am also the primary breadwinner. My husband doesn't work so he can take care of our baby girl full time.

To give me quiet time, my husband often takes her to the mall or someplace fun so I can concentrate. A problem has arisen, though. Since he's alone with our daughter, he's run into problems with security guards who think he's kidnapping her or doing something suspicious. We're not sure what to do about this.

I obviously don't want there to be problems for him, especially since I am not physically able to drive and come to meet him if there's a misunderstanding. Can you tell me the most reliable way to prove that he's our daughter's father and holds no nefarious intent? -- CONCERNED WIFE AND MAMA

DEAR CONCERNED W&M: While this scenario seems incredible to me, if he isn't already doing so, your husband should start carrying family pictures of the two of you and your daughter when he takes her out. That way, if there is any question that your husband is her father, it can be quickly resolved.

MoneyFamily & Parenting
life

Bride-to-Be Grits Her Teeth Before Dress-Fitting With Mom

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 26th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My sister invited our mother, who is in her 70s, to my wedding dress fittings. I did not invite her.

I have forgiven my mother for the crappy environment she created for us while I was growing up. I always invite her to family gatherings although she remains demeaning, demoralizing and bitter. My mother can last about an hour in my company without saying something negative and snarky, and I don't want her to ruin this fun occasion.

She knows how I feel about her attitude around me. I don't call or talk to her unless there is a family emergency. I normally grin and bear it on holidays for my sister's sake. My sister has a mental illness, and our mom is an almost daily presence in her life, which I appreciate, as I live in another state. Must I suck it up again for my sister's sake? -- GETTING MARRIED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR GETTING MARRIED: Permit your mother to be present for the first fitting. If, as you predict, she becomes negative and snarky, concentrate on the fitting, then inform her -- and your sister afterward -- that she will not be welcome to join you for another one.

Mental HealthHolidays & CelebrationsFamily & Parenting
life

Lonely College Senior Doesn't Agree It's Good to Be Single

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 26th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 23-year-old senior in college. I came out as gay at 21, but still haven't found a boyfriend. I had a crush on one guy and thought he liked me back, but a few weeks ago he told me he has a boyfriend. I was heartbroken.

People have always told me it's great to be single, but the truth is I'm just not happy. I'm lonely and I want a boyfriend. I'm having no luck, and I don't know what to do. Help, please. -- SO READY IN TEXAS

DEAR SO READY: Look around and scope out what opportunities there are for an LGBTQ person in your college town. Get out and be sociable. Join an activity group if you have the time. If nothing suits you, go online and research dating sites and apps. However, if you don't find someone there, you may have to be patient for another year until you can move to a community that offers greater options.

Sex & GenderLove & Dating
life

Woman Admired for Beauty Wants Men to Look Deeper

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 25th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been reading your advice and your mother's for decades. I am an attractive 65-year-old woman. I have no problem meeting men. I have been told numerous times I look 20 years younger than my age.

The problem is, if I hear another man tell me how beautiful I am, I may go ballistic. I want a man to appreciate me for my intellect and my personality.

I thought when I was past 50 I would no longer have to hear about my looks. I want a man to appreciate the person I am inside, not outside. I don't wear makeup, and I don't dress up. What does an old lady do to get a man to appreciate her for her brain and not her looks? -- ANNOYED IN FLORIDA

DEAR ANNOYED: Please cut these poor would-be suitors some slack. Until they get to know the person you are inside, what else would you expect them to say to ingratiate themselves? You have been blessed with good looks, an asset most women would welcome. Stop complaining and appreciate what you have. If you do, you will be an even more beautiful woman inside.

Love & Dating
life

Couple Debates What Defines an Affair

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 25th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are having a debate: A married woman is out of town by herself and meets a man two nights in a row for drinks. Over the next few months she talks to him several times on the phone, and then one night he calls her at 9:30, after she is already in bed, and tells her he's in town. So she gets up, gets dressed (drop-dead gorgeous), takes off and meets him. She sits in his truck for an hour, kissing and hugging, no sex or intimate touching. All of this is without her husband's knowledge. Did this woman have an affair? -- JUST CURIOUS IN GEORGIA

DEAR JUST CURIOUS: YEP! And it may have started when she met him when she was out of town. Even if there was no sex act, plenty of intimate physical contact was happening -- and that's what I'd classify as infidelity.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Abuse Suffered as a Child May Drive Mom's Behavior

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 25th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letter from "Disgruntled Grandparent" (Dec. 11), whose daughter insisted on always being present when her children were with her mother and father, I have a theory.

My sister would always be present when her children were with our parents. This was because my father had sexually abused her and the rest of us when we were children. She didn't want the same to happen to her children, but also didn't want to deprive them of knowing their grandparents, so that's how she managed it.

Grandma may not know, or understand if she does know, but I'm guessing the daughter is making sure she's present for similar reasons. She wants to ensure it doesn't happen to her kids while continuing to let them interact. These sorts of family dynamics are not black and white, so you manage as best you can with people who you inexplicably still love (or love part of them) but who can't be trusted not to cause great harm.

I recognized that strategy as identical to my sister's, so thought I ought to flag that possible explanation for you. -- ABBY READER IN NEW ZEALAND

DEAR READER: That makes perfect sense, and thank you for writing. "Disgruntled's" letter received a large response and an overwhelming majority of those who wrote suggested a similar scenario. My heart goes out to you for what you and your siblings experienced as children. I hope you were able to get help and support in dealing with the abuse you suffered.

AbuseFamily & Parenting
life

Wife Has Too Little to Say About Life's Biggest Issues

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 24th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have problems communicating because I don't talk enough, but that's the way I was raised. My family just didn't talk about serious things. I'm not saying avoidance is right, but I have a hard time talking seriously.

When I feel put on the spot, I find it difficult to form my words correctly, and I shut down. My husband doesn't understand why I don't talk when it comes so easy for him. This gives him the impression that I don't "want" to talk, and therefore, I don't care about our marriage as much as he does. Any advice? -- MY LIPS ARE SEALED

DEAR MY LIPS: Issues that are not discussed often grow greater until they erode relationships. If you value your marriage, use this issue as a jumping-off point to start talking with a psychologist or other licensed mental health professional.

The way you were raised was unhealthy. It is destructive to building relationships as well as self-esteem, and can have lifelong consequences, as you are finding out. Please don't put it off, because your communication problem won't resolve until you do something proactive about it.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Gum-Chewing Grates on Co-Worker's Nerves

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 24th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: May I educate your readers about a little-known disorder called misophonia? It means "hatred of sound," and it can cause rage or panic. Misophonia is triggered by sounds such as breathing, eating, yawning, chewing or whistling. It can also be caused by a repetitive motion, such as when someone is fidgeting, jostles you or taps their foot continuously.

I suffer from this disorder. I work in the health care field and am often surrounded by people who chew and/or pop/crack their gum. I have had the difficult, often embarrassing, conversation about my disorder many times to no avail. The gum-chewing continues.

Do you agree it is unprofessional to chew gum in the workplace? How do I make people understand this is a real disorder that causes me physical pain and duress? -- SUFFERING IN THE WEST

DEAR SUFFERING: I have to agree that chewing gum in the workplace is both unsightly and unprofessional. In the interest of full disclosure, I confess I'm guilty of the crime. Before I condemn anyone for eating, chewing, yawning, foot-tapping, etc., allow me to point out that the solution to your problem may be as simple as noise-canceling headphones. I urge you to try it before requesting a private office.

Work & SchoolMental Health
life

Widow Feels Pressure to Focus Only on Her Family

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 24th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Is it selfish for a 62-year-old recently widowed grandmother to want more in her life besides her one daughter and three grandchildren? -- WANTS MORE IN THE EAST

DEAR WANTS MORE: Of course it isn't selfish! If "someone" is trying to sell you that nonsensical idea, my advice is not to buy it. You deserve happiness and fulfillment, and you should not allow anyone to prevent you from seeking it.

(Could it be the "someone" wants a free baby sitter?)

DeathFamily & Parenting

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