DEAR ABBY: I have been reading your advice and your mother's for decades. I am an attractive 65-year-old woman. I have no problem meeting men. I have been told numerous times I look 20 years younger than my age.

The problem is, if I hear another man tell me how beautiful I am, I may go ballistic. I want a man to appreciate me for my intellect and my personality.

I thought when I was past 50 I would no longer have to hear about my looks. I want a man to appreciate the person I am inside, not outside. I don't wear makeup, and I don't dress up. What does an old lady do to get a man to appreciate her for her brain and not her looks? -- ANNOYED IN FLORIDA

DEAR ANNOYED: Please cut these poor would-be suitors some slack. Until they get to know the person you are inside, what else would you expect them to say to ingratiate themselves? You have been blessed with good looks, an asset most women would welcome. Stop complaining and appreciate what you have. If you do, you will be an even more beautiful woman inside.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are having a debate: A married woman is out of town by herself and meets a man two nights in a row for drinks. Over the next few months she talks to him several times on the phone, and then one night he calls her at 9:30, after she is already in bed, and tells her he's in town. So she gets up, gets dressed (drop-dead gorgeous), takes off and meets him. She sits in his truck for an hour, kissing and hugging, no sex or intimate touching. All of this is without her husband's knowledge. Did this woman have an affair? -- JUST CURIOUS IN GEORGIA

DEAR JUST CURIOUS: YEP! And it may have started when she met him when she was out of town. Even if there was no sex act, plenty of intimate physical contact was happening -- and that's what I'd classify as infidelity.

DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letter from "Disgruntled Grandparent" (Dec. 11), whose daughter insisted on always being present when her children were with her mother and father, I have a theory.

My sister would always be present when her children were with our parents. This was because my father had sexually abused her and the rest of us when we were children. She didn't want the same to happen to her children, but also didn't want to deprive them of knowing their grandparents, so that's how she managed it.

Grandma may not know, or understand if she does know, but I'm guessing the daughter is making sure she's present for similar reasons. She wants to ensure it doesn't happen to her kids while continuing to let them interact. These sorts of family dynamics are not black and white, so you manage as best you can with people who you inexplicably still love (or love part of them) but who can't be trusted not to cause great harm.

I recognized that strategy as identical to my sister's, so thought I ought to flag that possible explanation for you. -- ABBY READER IN NEW ZEALAND

DEAR READER: That makes perfect sense, and thank you for writing. "Disgruntled's" letter received a large response and an overwhelming majority of those who wrote suggested a similar scenario. My heart goes out to you for what you and your siblings experienced as children. I hope you were able to get help and support in dealing with the abuse you suffered.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have problems communicating because I don't talk enough, but that's the way I was raised. My family just didn't talk about serious things. I'm not saying avoidance is right, but I have a hard time talking seriously.

When I feel put on the spot, I find it difficult to form my words correctly, and I shut down. My husband doesn't understand why I don't talk when it comes so easy for him. This gives him the impression that I don't "want" to talk, and therefore, I don't care about our marriage as much as he does. Any advice? -- MY LIPS ARE SEALED

DEAR MY LIPS: Issues that are not discussed often grow greater until they erode relationships. If you value your marriage, use this issue as a jumping-off point to start talking with a psychologist or other licensed mental health professional.

The way you were raised was unhealthy. It is destructive to building relationships as well as self-esteem, and can have lifelong consequences, as you are finding out. Please don't put it off, because your communication problem won't resolve until you do something proactive about it.

DEAR ABBY: May I educate your readers about a little-known disorder called misophonia? It means "hatred of sound," and it can cause rage or panic. Misophonia is triggered by sounds such as breathing, eating, yawning, chewing or whistling. It can also be caused by a repetitive motion, such as when someone is fidgeting, jostles you or taps their foot continuously.

I suffer from this disorder. I work in the health care field and am often surrounded by people who chew and/or pop/crack their gum. I have had the difficult, often embarrassing, conversation about my disorder many times to no avail. The gum-chewing continues.

Do you agree it is unprofessional to chew gum in the workplace? How do I make people understand this is a real disorder that causes me physical pain and duress? -- SUFFERING IN THE WEST

DEAR SUFFERING: I have to agree that chewing gum in the workplace is both unsightly and unprofessional. In the interest of full disclosure, I confess I'm guilty of the crime. Before I condemn anyone for eating, chewing, yawning, foot-tapping, etc., allow me to point out that the solution to your problem may be as simple as noise-canceling headphones. I urge you to try it before requesting a private office.

DEAR ABBY: Is it selfish for a 62-year-old recently widowed grandmother to want more in her life besides her one daughter and three grandchildren? -- WANTS MORE IN THE EAST

DEAR WANTS MORE: Of course it isn't selfish! If "someone" is trying to sell you that nonsensical idea, my advice is not to buy it. You deserve happiness and fulfillment, and you should not allow anyone to prevent you from seeking it.

(Could it be the "someone" wants a free baby sitter?)

DEAR ABBY: A year ago my sister "Jan" started dating this guy, "Miles," who soon moved in with her. Everyone in our family was welcoming until she started telling us their problems. We thought things between them had improved, but recently Jan tried to take her own life because she could no longer handle the stress.

I admit I had distanced myself from her before this tragedy happened. I haven't forgiven him, but I realize she's old enough to make her own decisions and will continue to do what she wants with whom she wants.

I now tolerate Miles because I don't want to push her away. I almost lost her once in a terrible way, and I refuse to lose her in any other way again. I have worked to have a better relationship with my sister. My husband, on the other hand, refuses to let things go with Miles, and because of it our family is in jeopardy.

I practically beg him to just be cordial so Jan and I can have the ones we love around us in the same room. My husband refuses. He blames Miles for her suicide attempt, even though she has told us repeatedly it wasn't about him.

I'm stuck and don't know where to go from here. I just want to be able to have our families together without problems. What do you suggest I do? -- STUCK IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR STUCK: Tell your husband that your sister is emotionally fragile and needs all the support she can get. Point out that isolation can be a contributing factor for depression and suicide. If he thinks he is being supportive by blaming Miles for what happened, he is mistaken.

Your husband and Miles don't have to be "buddies." Surely your husband is mature enough to tolerate Miles' presence for a short time during gatherings, if only for your sister's sake. However, if he isn't, perhaps he will listen to a suicide prevention counselor, who can explain the importance of family support.

DEAR ABBY: I attend religious services with a wonderful group of people. For some reason our family has been chosen to receive not only everybody's hand-me-downs, but new clothes as well. We receive several large bags of clothes each season.

I hate to seem ungrateful, but I don't have the time or room to keep a large rotation of clothing for my kids. Their room is a mess, and most of it is clothing I didn't even buy. Is there a nice way to stop accepting these gifts? -- THE CHOSEN FAMILY

DEAR CHOSEN: Of course! Thank the pastor of your church for the generosity that has been shown to your family. Then explain that you can't use all of the clothing you are being given and suggest that from now on those items be saved for a needy family who could use them.