life

Single Mom Drawn to Married Man With Terminally Ill Wife

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 7th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mom. A few months ago I met a man who contacted me on social media. After meeting him, I realized he was married, but he was not happy. Unfortunately, his wife has a terminal illness, and he feels obligated to care for her until it is over. We formed a very close bond as we talked and soon realized we are in love and want to be together.

Because of her illness and lack of support from her immediate family, we agreed that he needs to fulfill his obligation to her, and I will wait for him. We have continued talking and spending any time we can together, even though her care always takes first priority.

When she found out about our relationship, she was very upset. She has left him many times in the past because of wrongdoings on both their parts, but since her illness she has come to rely on him for everything.

She claims to have deeper feelings for him since her illness, but he says it's just a fear of being alone. He claims his feelings for her are those of friendship and compassion, not love. My question is, do you think we are doing wrong to continue quietly seeing each other while he sees her through this illness, or should I step away until his obligation is completed? -- WAITING FOR HIM

DEAR WAITING: Forgive me, but this sounds like the script for a Movie of the Week. I can't help but wonder what this man was doing looking for company on social media without mentioning that he was married.

Under the circumstances, you should take a break and let him finish his obligation to his terminally ill wife -- if she is, indeed, terminally ill. After that, because you have made promises to each other, you will be able to see each other openly, with honesty and integrity, and determine where the relationship winds up.

DeathMarriage & DivorceLove & Dating
life

Father's Side of the Family Kept in the Dark About Son

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 7th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My ex and I have a 2-year-old son. We were together only a short time before I found out I was expecting. He freaked out and left when I was five months along. A month after our son was born, he came back in the picture and there have been no issues since.

We live in different states now, but we are trying our best at co-parenting. My only issue is that his side of the family doesn't know about our son. Since we were together only a short time before I became pregnant, I never met them. Every time I bring up the subject of our son meeting his grandparents/family, he ignores the question and moves on.

Family is a big part of my life. I would be lost without their support and love. I don't want to deprive my son of any family that has an interest in being in his life. Should I reach out to his family, tell them they have a grandson and try to connect with them? Or should I wait until my ex does something about it? -- PROUD MOMMY IN ARIZONA

DEAR MOMMY: Give your ex a deadline to introduce you and their grandson to them. And if he doesn't meet it, send them a letter with your name, address and pictures enclosed.

Family & Parenting
life

Three's Too Crowded for Wife in 'Shades of Grey' Marriage

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 6th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I've been married to my best friend for nine years. We have our ups and downs, but we're generally happy. When "Fifty Shades of Grey" came out, I told him I was interested in exploring that scene. He was thrilled because he's always been in the lifestyle but was afraid to scare me away.

Fast forward four years: I no longer wish to be part of it. It's not for me. I agreed to have a live-in submissive with the understanding that she leaves if I say so. But he's now calling me selfish for suggesting it be only the two of us. He has no intention of ever changing it.

She helps him with his company, which is also lifestyle-related, and claims he can't do it without her. Their relationship is nonsexual. Am I selfish for wanting a normal marriage again? He gave me the master bedroom to myself and says that's the compromise and I need to let him be him. What's your opinion? -- WRONG TURN IN HOUSTON

DEAR WRONG TURN: Wait a minute! If your husband can't run his company without this woman, then I have to wonder who is the submissive.

If sleeping in an empty master bedroom while he sleeps in another and has a "nonsexual" relationship with this person is what you want for your future, you wouldn't be writing to me. You asked for my opinion, and here it is: Let your husband be himself, permit yourself to be yourself and while you're doing that, consult a divorce lawyer.

Sex & GenderMarriage & Divorce
life

Fear of Babies Drives Teen Outside

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 6th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have a really bad fear of babies and toddlers. My brother's wife just had a second child, and I can't stand being around them. I get really bad anxiety, so I avoid them. His first child is 8, but she is disabled and is like a toddler. I get freaked out around her, too.

When they come over, I go outside or into my room and hide. On top of that, my sister is pregnant and living here with me and our parents. I'm only 17, so I can't move out. It's hard enough when my brother visits with his kids, but if one lives with me, I know I'm gonna lose it. I'm too afraid to talk to my parents about this. -- LOSING IT IN THE WEST

DEAR LOSING IT: You are NOT going to lose it. You ARE going to talk with your parents about this because you cannot keep hiding in your room forever. The longer you do, the higher your level of anxiety will become.

Have you any idea why you feel the way you do about babies and toddlers? Is it their size, their fragility, the sound of their voices? You may need help from a licensed therapist to get past this. (Some individuals do.) It's important that you understand what is driving this panic because, if you don't, you will find yourself increasingly isolated as your friends and relatives start families.

TeensFamily & Parenting
life

Girls' Sleepover Party Includes Gay Boy

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 6th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Our high school-age daughter has a great group of friends. They often spend the night at each other's houses for sleepovers. It's usually two to four girls sharing rooms and beds. My dilemma is that one of her friends is a gay boy. She asked if he could stay over. After some thought, our response was that he could, but in a separate bed. What would your answer have been? -- NOT IN THE PARENTING HANDBOOK

DEAR NOT: Mine would have been the same as yours, if only for the sake of "propriety."

Friends & NeighborsSex & GenderTeensFamily & Parenting
life

Promising Relationship Fades With Man's Missing Smile

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 5th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I need your advice. I'm a 66-year-old woman who has been single most of my life. I am semi-retired and don't look or act my age.

I recently met the man of my dreams on a dating app. We are the same age, and the attraction is mutual. However, there's one thing I'm having trouble with. He lives on Social Security, which is OK, but he has no upper teeth. He lost his false teeth. His bottom teeth are rotten, and he has no intention of replacing them.

I would be willing to pay for his teeth, but because I'm not sure how to approach the subject, I have decided not to see him anymore. We have agreed to stay in contact by texting. I don't know how to handle this. Can you help me? -- TURNED OFF IN VIRGINIA

DEAR TURNED OFF: Your ideal man has more problems than having lost his uppers. His lack of attention to dental hygiene is a danger to his health. If you care about him, point it out. And when you do, explain that there are low-cost options for getting treatment -- such as contacting a school of dentistry where students treat patients under the supervision of qualified professors. If his problem is fear of dentists, that can be dealt with too.

Rather than write any checks to pay for his new teeth, encourage him to be more proactive in taking care of himself. If you do, you'll be doing him a favor.

Health & SafetyMoneyLove & Dating
life

Son Moves Back Home and Pitches In

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 5th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have read letters in your column about lazy adult sons moving back home. I'd like to present the other side of the story.

After being gone 15 years, my son lost his job, house and wife and had to move back with us. I admit I was apprehensive, but on his first day home he started to rebuild our 30-year-old patio. After that, he painted our house, installed air conditioning in our garage, planted and harvested a garden, which he maintained, landscaped the yard and helped in numerous other ways.

Soon he found a good job and a great girlfriend. He eventually bought a home and moved out. He lives nearby and still maintains our vehicles and helps out a lot around the house with things my wife and I find difficult to do. He borrowed my truck one day and brought it home with four new tires!

Abby, I thought you might be interested to read an upbeat story on this subject for a change. (I have a great daughter, too -- but that's a different story.) -- GRATEFUL DAD IN NEVADA

DEAR GRATEFUL DAD: You are absolutely right that I am interested. Thank you for such an upbeat letter. I don't know what your recipe was for child rearing, but I'm sorry you didn't share it. Your son is a gem!

Family & Parenting
life

It's the Year of the Pig

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 5th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO MY ASIAN READERS WHO CELEBRATE THE LUNAR NEW YEAR: I wish a happy, healthy new year to all of you who celebrate this holiday. The Year of the Pig begins today. People born in the Year of the Pig are warmhearted, loyal, honest and gentle. (They can also be naive, gullible, sluggish and short-tempered.) On the upside, they seem to be blessed with intelligence and creativity. Notable individuals born in the Year of the Pig include Stephen King, Julie Andrews, Duke Ellington, Lucille Ball, Magic Johnson, Ernest Hemingway and Elton John.

Holidays & Celebrations

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