DEAR ABBY: I started working in engineering in the late 1980s and thought it was "cute" that we all wore Hawaiian shirts when the guys went out for Friday lunches. Now we're in our 50s, and many of my peers still honor that tradition.

I no longer find it cute. In fact, I'm finding it embarrassing because men over 50 -- especially curmudgeonly engineers -- should not be wearing Hawaiian shirts. They look like horrible Caribbean cruise ship tourists. In addition, their favorite lunch destinations are usually in a part of town where there's a big university, and they add the element of creepiness by ogling the young coeds.

I find myself hiding or inventing meetings so I can avoid being part of this Friday circus of embarrassment. How do I just tell them that the reason I no longer go along is their curmudgeonly displays of creepiness? -- SOLE TAILORED SHIRT IN TEXAS

DEAR SOLE: There's no way to politely tell your co-workers their attire and the way they comport themselves is an embarrassment. Say instead that these lunches "aren't your thing" anymore.

It would be a kindness to diplomatically point out that their ogling is inappropriate. Hope they take the hint, but don't be surprised if you hear that some of the coeds complained to the managers of the restaurants, and your pals have been asked to take their lunches elsewhere.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's parents live in Vietnam. He has decided to take a two-to-three-week trip there soon -- at a time when it's impossible for me to accompany him because I'm a schoolteacher. The purpose of the trip is to attend a cousin's wedding and visit his parents.

We have known each other eight years and have been married for one year. He always talked about taking me to Vietnam so I could see where he was born and sightsee with him. But now he is choosing to go at a time when I cannot, and using his cousin's wedding as his excuse to "need" to make the trip. (He didn't think it was necessary to attend this cousin's older brother's wedding a few years ago.) I suggested he wait until summer to visit, when I'd be free to travel with him.

I feel his going without me is a negative commentary on his feelings for me and our marriage. He doesn't see it that way at all. What is your opinion? -- POSSIBLY HOME ALONE IN IOWA

DEAR POSSIBLY HOME: Your husband may feel closer to the cousin who is being married than to the older brother whose wedding he skipped. In my opinion, you are taking his decision to attend this wedding much too personally. I also think you should be a better sport about the fact you can't join him, and impress upon him that you are looking forward to the time he can take you to his home country so you can see where he grew up and enjoy the "grand tour" he promised.

DEAR ABBY: I have been best friends with "Mickey" for about five years. We spend every day together and go out to dinner/movies/events, etc. He sleeps over at my house, and I cook for him almost every night.

When our friendship started we were intimate a couple of times but have been strictly platonic ever since. The problem is, I'm in love with him. He knows how I feel, and although he claims he doesn't love me, he continues to spend every waking moment with me and is always trying to better me. We do pretty much everything a couple would do, minus the physical contact. Everybody assumes we're a couple.

I think I should also mention that Mickey is somewhat of a sex addict. It makes me self-conscious that he's constantly thinking about sex but isn't turned on by me even when we sleep in the same bed.

I don't want to lose him. I value the bond we share and what we have together, but I'm constantly thinking about how much I love him and want to be with him. I even started working out at the gym, thinking maybe my recent weight gain was the problem.

I know he "loves" me, but he isn't attracted to me. I'm afraid if one of us starts dating someone else, our friendship will take a hit. Please give me some advice. -- GIRL IN LOVE IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR GIRL IN LOVE: As long as you have Mickey as your major preoccupation, you will not start dating anyone else. You need to stop thinking that his lack of desire for you is your fault, because it isn't. Although it will be painful to call a halt to what's going on so you can meet someone who can give you what you need, that's what you should do. The relationship you're in is masochistic. You are being used, and it's not fair to you.

DEAR ABBY: A few years back, my 60-something-year-old single sister relocated from a different state to a mile from my home. Since then, my husband has become her husband. If something breaks, leaks or needs repair, she calls us. I "get" to handle the easy stuff, and hubby does the heavy-duty stuff.

I gave her our riding lawn mower and bought a newer model for us. There was nothing wrong with the mower we gave her, but she called us, crying, that it wouldn't start. Hubby spent several hours of his one day off trying to get it running, to no avail.

He told her she needed to call a repair person. Instead, she bought a spark plug and a fuel filter and started viewing online do-it-yourself videos so she could handle it. She said she "hopes" she can fix it so "he won't have to come and try to fix it again." I'm ready to explode! I feel like we're being taken advantage of. Help! -- SICK OF SIS IN THE SOUTH

DEAR SICK: Because you feel you and your husband are being taken advantage of, the next time your sister asks for your husband's handyman services, explain that his time off is limited and "suggest" again that she call a professional. If you wish to be more helpful, because she's relatively new to the area, ask some of your friends if they know someone who is dependable and competent.

DEAR ABBY: I started a new job a month ago. It's a well-paying job at a great company. My problem is I'm an insecure introvert. Making friends has always been hard for me. At this new job, my desk is away from everyone else, and no one has ever asked me to lunch.

I'm sure if I reached out proactively and asked to tag along, I wouldn't be rejected. But the thought of having to ask semi-strangers to include me and having to make small talk during lunch makes me anxious. I'm also afraid people will label me as part of certain subgroups within the department. I don't want to be in any clique. What should I do? -- INSECURE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR INSECURE: Not everyone makes small talk easily, so don't fault yourself for finding it awkward. Ask your co-workers what places they recommend for lunch and tag along when the opportunity arises. I don't think you need to "do" much more than slowly get to know them as you interact over work-related matters.

A positive way to get attention would be to bring some pastries and a fresh fruit salad to share one day during the morning break. It's a friendly gesture I'm sure would be appreciated.

DEAR ABBY: My brother died 10 years ago. He was only 50. He was married for 15 years to a woman I'll call Alice. A few years later, Alice became engaged but never remarried because she would've lost my brother's benefits.

Her fiance died a couple of months ago, and now she's posting repeatedly on Facebook that she has lost "the love of her life." I think it's extremely disrespectful to my brother. I understand she may feel that way, but to continue to post it is a slap in the face to our brother. I've read your column for years, and you are usually spot on with your advice, so I would appreciate your opinion. -- SAD SISTER IN THE EAST

DEAR SAD SISTER: Alice's outpouring of emotion is less a slap in the face to your deceased brother than biting the hand that has fed her all these years. She isn't thinking about how her comments are affecting you and her other former in-laws, and there's nothing to be gained by trying to shut her up now. You will be happier if you stop reading her Facebook posts, and that's what I recommend you do.

DEAR ABBY: My brother died 10 years ago. He was only 50. He was married for 15 years to a woman I'll call Alice. A few years later, Alice became engaged but never remarried because she would've lost my brother's benefits.

Her fiance died a couple of months ago, and now she's posting repeatedly on Facebook that she has lost "the love of her life." I think it's extremely disrespectful to my brother. I understand she may feel that way, but to continue to post it is a slap in the face to our brother. I've read your column for years, and you are usually spot on with your advice, so I would appreciate your opinion. -- SAD SISTER IN THE EAST

DEAR SAD SISTER: Alice's outpouring of emotion is less a slap in the face to your deceased brother than biting the hand that has fed her all these years. She isn't thinking about how her comments are affecting you and her other former in-laws, and there's nothing to be gained by trying to shut her up now. You will be happier if you stop reading her Facebook posts, and that's what I recommend you do.