life

Drug User Battling Addiction Offers Words of Hope to Others

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 4th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm currently in a mental hospital. I have been in and out for years because of suicide attempts and drug use. My drug of choice is crystal meth, and it has been a vicious cycle.

I'm 19 and will be 20 soon. I would like to share my story with your readers, young and old, who may feel lost or alone. I was sexually abused and have prostituted myself for drugs when I was desperate. I'm going through intensive treatment now. When I was at my lowest, my family looked the other way.

What I want to tell people is to get help if they are contemplating suicide. I want them to know their lives are valuable. I struggle with hallucinations, and it's scary at times. But no matter what we go through in life, we must remember that we were built to be resilient. I believe in our strength. Thanks, Abby. -- OVERCOMING IN WISCONSIN

DEAR OVERCOMING: I believe in your strength as well, and I'm glad that you are getting treatment. Recovery from addiction can be a daily challenge, which takes courage and determination. You appear to have both.

I am printing your letter because it carries an important message for anyone who is feeling suicidal. The phone number of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 800-273-8255, and it is toll-free.

AbuseAddictionMental Health
life

Talking Politics at Work Gets a No Vote From Co-Worker

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 4th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I work in close quarters with two women. They often talk politics, and I am very aware of their views. They asked me if I was voting in the midterms, and I answered in the affirmative, but offered no details as my vote is my personal business.

Since then, I have been told, "You are part of the problem." "People like you ..." and, "It must be nice to not care." I don't know how to respond to these hurtful comments, which make me feel terrible. It makes me extremely uncomfortable, and I don't think it's appropriate to discuss this at work in the first place.

I am not sure how to handle this if it continues. I don't want these women to hate me. I respect them, but this is a sensitive topic. -- NOT THE PLACE

DEAR NOT THE PLACE: I agree that, for the most part, discussing politics in the workplace is inappropriate because there are bound to be disagreements, which are not conducive to a pleasant environment. Hopefully, now that the midterms are behind us, the hostility will die down -- at least for a while.

If it persists, tell your co-workers that what they are doing is hurtful and you want them to stop. And if they don't, then discuss it with your supervisor or employer because what they are doing is creating a hostile working environment.

Work & School
life

Friend Tiptoes Around Negotiating Price for Oil Painting

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 4th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine is a pretty fair oil painter. She occasionally sells one. I would like to buy a painting she recently finished. She quoted me a price, but phrased it as a question, "Does $-- sound OK?" Would it be rude if I offered her less than that for the painting? -- BETTER OFFER IN THE WEST

DEAR BETTER OFFER: No, it would not be rude. It's common for buyers to negotiate the price of art objects. It is done all the time, and she shouldn't take offense if you offer her what you think is a fair price. Remember, if she doesn't agree, she can make a counteroffer.

Friends & NeighborsMoney
life

Son-in-Law's Old Tablet Reveals Surprising Secret

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 3rd, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My son-in-law gave me a tablet that he was not using, as he had upgraded. He removed most of his information. When I went to set up my accounts, I noticed his list of apps and passwords was still present and saw four accounts to an adult dating site.

My daughter and SIL have been together/married for four years. The tablet is less than 2 years old. I don't know what to do: (1) act like I never saw it, (2) tell him what I found and hope for a good explanation, or (3) tell my daughter. This will destroy her. Please help! -- SIGN ME DEVASTATED

DEAR SIGN ME: Tell your son-in-law what you found and ask for an explanation. What he tells you will determine what steps you should take next.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Truce Is Threatened by Friend's Fondness for Catnip

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 3rd, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband and my best friend, "Bridget," do not get along. They remain civil most of the time, but one thing is threatening to ruin the peace.

When Bridget visits, she likes to bring along little toys and treats for my cats. That's fine, but she also opens bags of loose catnip and sprinkles it throughout the house. My husband hates it because the catnip gets everywhere, and it's a chore to clean up. When he politely asked Bridget to stop, she told him to "stuff it" and said the cats like it.

She continues to do it every time she comes over, and my husband has grown more and more upset. I'm not sure how to mediate this. What can I do? -- CAT-ASTROPHE IN ATLANTA

DEAR CAT-ASTROPHE: At this point, Bridget isn't bringing the catnip over because she thinks your cats like it. She's doing it to antagonize your husband. If you continue allowing her to do this, it could affect your relationship with your husband, so if you're smart, you will back him up and tell her to cut it out. (Meow!)

Marriage & DivorceFriends & Neighbors
life

Rigors of Medical School Send Student Into Depression

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 3rd, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm a medical student who has been battling depression over the past few months. I didn't do well on a recent very important exam, and I've sunk even deeper into my depression.

I have tried reaching out to fellow classmates about it, but they tell me to just suck it up or assume I want attention. I tried talking to my family, but ever since the loss of a beloved pet, my parents are having a difficult time emotionally, and I don't want to trouble them even further.

I feel trapped and lonely and there's only so much more I can take of putting on a mask every day to pretend I'm happy. I'm not sure where to go from here. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. -- LONELY AND DEPRESSED IN CHICAGO

DEAR LONELY: Putting on a mask isn't the solution. The problem with depression is that, like any other untreated illness, it can grow worse. Because your depression began before that exam, I'm recommending you consult one of the psychiatrists at the medical school for guidance. Please don't wait to do it. You should also tell your parents, pet death or no pet death, because they need to know as well.

Family & ParentingDeathMental HealthWork & School
life

Husband Refuses to Tell Wife Details of Long-Ago Marriages

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 2nd, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for 34 good years. He's a little older than I am and was married twice before we met while in our 20s. (They were very brief marriages.) When we married, I knew about one of his marriages, but learned about the other one only much later from his sister. I was stunned and felt betrayed that he hadn't told me, but we worked it out.

My husband loves to tell stories about everything he's ever done, but he never says a word about those earlier relationships. Long ago, I asked a few times about what happened, and he cut me off. My question is why, especially after our 34 years together, can't he be straight with me once and for all and tell me what happened?

I haven't brought this up in a long time, but it seems like we should be able to talk about it openly. I'm curious, but not in a petty way. I just wonder what happened. In the past he has said it is "none of my business."

Why is he so rude and closemouthed about these marriages from so long ago? Should I never ask again? -- MISSING THE WHOLE STORY

DEAR MISSING: I am guessing the reason your husband reacts the way he has when you tried to talk about his first two marriages is because he is ashamed about what happened. He may have cheated on his wives, or they cheated or took advantage of him in some way. I don't blame you for wanting to know your husband's history, but your marriage has worked for 34 years, and really, how relevant is this information in the scheme of things? Let it go.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Family Tries to Pick up Slack From Deadbeat Husband

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 2nd, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: After my sister got pregnant, she married the baby's father. They struggle financially, and my family helps as much as we can, but it still isn't enough.

Her husband has no high school diploma, and he has a criminal record from 20 years ago, although he hasn't been in trouble since. He claims he has dyslexia and health problems, but he still smokes and drinks. No doctor will sign off on his being disabled. He isn't motivated enough to find a job or help my sister with chores. She finally asked me to help by talking to him.

How do I start a conversation with him to say he needs to step up and contribute? We're cordial but not close. I don't want to alienate him. He has threatened to take my nephew, but he has no money or place to go. This man is 40 years old and lives like a teenager. Any advice? -- ANNA IN ILLINOIS

DEAR ANNA: Your brother-in-law isn't likely to listen to you any more than he has listened to your sister. If there are any male relatives in your family, it might be more effective if he hears the message from them. The fact that he may (or may not) have dyslexia is no excuse for his lack of motivation. Many successful people have dyslexia and are able to thrive.

Because your sister's husband is threatening to take their child and run, she should talk to a lawyer about what steps she needs to take in order to prevent this deadbeat from following through. Call your state bar association or contact a local law school for guidance about getting low-cost or free legal advice. She may also want to ask about divorce so she doesn't wind up supporting him forever.

MoneyFamily & Parenting

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