life

New Year Brings Joyful Hopes for a Bright, Prosperous Future

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 1st, 2019

DEAR READERS: Welcome to 2019! A new year has arrived, and with it our chance for a new beginning.

Today we have an opportunity to discard destructive old habits for healthy new ones, and with that in mind, I will share Dear Abby's often-requested list of New Year's resolutions, which were adapted by my late mother, Pauline Phillips, from the original credo of Al-Anon:

JUST FOR TODAY: I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once. I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things that I can correct and accept those I cannot.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I will improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today, I will refrain from improving anybody but myself.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. And I will get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.

And now, Dear Readers, I would like to share an item that was sent to me by L.J. Bhatia, a reader from New Delhi, India:

DEAR ABBY: This year, no resolutions, only some guidelines. The Holy Vedas say, "Man has subjected himself to thousands of self-inflicted bondages. Wisdom comes to a man who lives according to the true eternal laws of nature."

The prayer of St. Francis (of which there are several versions) contains a powerful message:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

And where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

To be understood, as to understand;

To be loved, as to love;

For it is in giving that we receive,

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

And so, Dear Readers, may 2019 bring with it good health, peace and joy to all of you. -- LOVE, ABBY

Holidays & Celebrations
life

Man's Talk of Suicide Keeps Woman in Their Relationship

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 31st, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: A year ago, after five years of marriage, I divorced my ex-husband, "Taylor." We agreed to separate because I believed I had fallen out of love with him. We have remained friendly and communicate often.

Since the divorce, I have struggled with feelings of guilt and the creeping suspicion that I have made a mistake. I think I am still in love with him. Taylor desperately wants us to get remarried, and lately I have been considering it. However, I have another issue to consider.

For the past few months, I have been seeing another man, "Jacob." Although he is sweet and affectionate, Jacob is needy, clingy and struggles with depression and anxiety. He often expresses suicidal thoughts over problems in his life, including the thought of me leaving him. He is in therapy, but it doesn't seem to be helping.

I am terrified of breaking up with him to reconcile with my ex-husband because I honestly believe Jacob would kill himself, and I could not live with that. Any advice would be appreciated. -- IN A HARD SPOT IN ALABAMA

DEAR HARD SPOT: Jacob is in therapy. Write a letter to his therapist and explain your concerns. That way the therapist will understand in advance that his/her patient may be heading for a rough patch. Regardless of whether Jacob is serious about killing himself should you end the relationship, for your own sake, you must not allow yourself to become a prisoner of his illness. That dynamic is unhealthy for you.

I must caution you, however, not to allow yourself to be pressured into reconciling with your ex unless both of you have premarital counseling so you won't fall back into the pattern that destroyed your marriage. Whether it was lack of communication, boredom, a dull sex life -- you both must understand where it went off track and take steps to correct it before remarrying.

Marriage & DivorceMental Health
life

Friends Look on as Couples Struggles With Husband's Obesity

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 31st, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are close friends with another couple we love dearly. Lately the wife has been concerned about her husband's continued weight gain. She makes comments when we are all out to dinner about what he wants to order and insists they share a meal or that he choose something lighter.

I know she's concerned about diabetes and heart disease and all the other ills obesity can bring, but I don't think this is helping. In fact, I think it's pushing him to want to eat more. How can we as friends help them to overcome this? For the record, he now weighs more than 300 pounds. -- BEST FRIENDS IN TEXAS

DEAR FRIENDS: Your friend's husband is dangerously overweight. She may be panicking at the reality that the load he's carrying could shorten their marriage. What she doesn't realize is that the motivation for him to deal with his weight problem has to come from him, not her.

Rather than second guess what he's eating when you are all out to dinner, she should encourage him to talk with his doctor and a nutritionist about what he needs to do to get healthy. Please tell her that. It won't happen overnight, and she should expect him to fall off the wagon sometimes. But with determination, it can be done.

Health & SafetyFriends & Neighbors
life

Have Fun (and Be Safe) Ringing in the New Year

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 31st, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR READERS: Well, 2018 is on the brink of being over! Out with the old, in with the new. Please accept my heartfelt good wishes for a happy, healthy and prosperous 2019. And, as I caution every year, if you are out partying to ring in the new year, please make appropriate transportation arrangements and be safe! -- LOVE, ABBY

Holidays & CelebrationsHealth & Safety
life

Never-Seen Boyfriend Raises Doubts for Concerned Parents

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 30th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is a professional woman in her mid-20s. She works in a demanding field with a lot of overtime. She lives an hour away from us and is financially independent, but depends on us often for favors.

She has been dating a man for a year and a half who doesn't even call her his "girlfriend." We have never met him. He sees her when it's convenient for him, sometimes for an hour at 11 on a Sunday night after he's spent the weekend with his friends. (We both know what to call that.) She has never asked him to feed or baby-sit her cat, help her move furniture, pick up an item from a store or anything. She asks us.

We are in our 60s. We feel it's time for her to find a loving, considerate life partner, but she's content with her present "relationship." She has had relationships before with thoughtful, helpful guys, so I'm not sure why she is rationalizing this man's self-centered behavior.

He is now moving 600 miles away, but plans to continue seeing her. He hasn't asked her to join him, although she considered uprooting herself from her job and family to do so. How can I make her see that she has no future with this man and needs to find a real partner in life? -- WON'T BE AROUND FOREVER

DEAR WON'T: Are you sure he isn't married or in a long-term relationship with someone else? I don't blame you for being a concerned parent, but this is a realization your daughter is going to have to arrive at in her own time. Badgering her is counterproductive.

Could it be your independent daughter likes the "freedom" this relationship provides? If you are doing your daughter favors the "boyfriend" should be providing, cut it out. It's possible that the move he's making will cause him to drift out of her life so things can end naturally. Cross your fingers.

Love & DatingFamily & Parenting
life

No One Gets Sleep When Husband Reads at Night

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 30th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a morning person, and my newly retired husband is the opposite. At night in our bedroom, he reads on his iPad for several hours while I try to sleep. I am in bed by 11 while my husband usually stays up till 1 or 2 a.m. If I wake up, he's on our couch in the bedroom with a glow of light from the iPad. But it bothers me that he is in the same room staying up to read.

We have been married 45 years and usually went to bed at the same time because of work, but now that he's retired, he says he likes reading, watching movies or watching videos on YouTube. I think he should read in another room (better for his eyes) and not the room I am sleeping in. He doesn't want to sit in our living room.

Bottom line: It bothers me that one person is doing an activity while the other sleeps or tries to sleep. What would be your advice? -- DISORDERED SLEEP IN COLORADO

DEAR DISORDERED SLEEP: Because you need a solid night's sleep in order to function properly the next day, your husband should move to a different room if he wants to read so he won't disturb you. It's called demonstrating consideration for one's spouse.

Marriage & Divorce

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