DEAR ABBY: I have a quick question. How long after a death should you wait to send a sympathy card? I have looked at your mom's and aunt's old columns, Amy Vanderbilt and Emily Post and cannot find an answer. -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN GEORGIA

DEAR NEEDS: The time to send a sympathy card is when you receive the sad news.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter "Scarlet" has a precious 18-month-old baby girl I'll call Sierra. Scarlet, her husband and the baby spend a lot of time at their beach house, where they have several full-time employees, including a nanny, housekeeper, cook and gardener. These employees have been at the house for years and are practically part of our family. The problem is, my daughter and her husband allow Sierra to walk around the house and beachfront naked throughout the day.

I have told Scarlet on several occasions that I don't feel comfortable with Sierra being exposed like that around the employees. A naked toddler might make them feel awkward, plus a child should be raised to understand that her private parts are just that -- private -- and not for anybody outside of her immediate family to look at.

Additionally, from a sanitary perspective, Sierra sits down on dirty, potentially bacteria-infested places such as kitchen tiles, grass and beach sand, which could cause infections. My daughter calls me old-fashioned and tells me not to worry. What do you think? -- MORE MODEST IN NEVADA

DEAR MORE MODEST: I seriously doubt that anyone is going to be embarrassed by the sight of a naked toddler. I know you are well-meaning, and your points may be valid, but frankly, I think you should let your daughter raise her daughter.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 61 and a recent widower. I befriended a new co-worker, a woman who is single and 41. We started going out socially, and I was getting back into life.

I just found out she and my 24-year-old son have been dating for the last four months. Neither one mentioned anything about it to me. They were sneaking behind my back, and she continued to do things with me. When I realized what was going on, I confronted her and told her I felt taken advantage of and deceived. I stopped speaking with her after that.

Am I wrong to feel this way? Her relationship has come between my son and me. And yes, I realize it takes two to tango. -- IT TAKES TWO IN THE EAST

DEAR IT TAKES TWO: Your son and your co-worker should have been upfront with you. That neither one was shows a lack of character. However, there is an upside to this. You now realize you are ready to go on living after the death of your wife. Get involved in community activities; go on some dating sites and you will meet someone better suited than your co-worker. What happened with her is yet another unfortunate example of what can go wrong in an office romance.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 50-year-old woman. I have been married to my husband for 28 years and never cheated. We have a good life together, and our sex life has always been great, but I have recently fallen in love with another woman.

I haven't told anyone, not even her. She has made several comments and advances toward me, but she frequently makes comments like, "I don't swim in the lady pond."

The two of us recently went out of town together. When she kissed me on my neck, I pulled away and nothing more happened. I am positive that if I hadn't, something would have happened.

I feel like I'm going crazy because I think about her every minute. We talk on the phone several times a day. She's married (to a man) and has been for 30 years. Is it possible for two straight women to suddenly fall in love with each other? Should I tell her how I feel? Please help me. I'm confused, lost and in turmoil. -- FALLING IN LOVE

DEAR FALLING: Yes, it is possible for members of both sexes to become attracted to someone of the same sex and fall in love. Have an honest conversation with the woman. Tell her you are confused about what happened on the trip. I'm not sure she was completely honest about her "swimming" habits, but you may or may not be the first woman she has become attracted to.

I hesitate to advise what steps to take beyond that since you are both in longtime, committed relationships. Much will depend upon what she has to say.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. We are the same age and have children from previous marriages. His are teenagers, and I have twin boys at home who are 6. Early on we discussed blending our families.

Although he has been eager to be a part of my life and my family, he has been less than enthusiastic about opening up his own life to me. He takes vacations with his children and leaves me out. He also travels alone to places we have discussed going to together. If I say anything, he accuses me of being selfish. But if I plan anything with my own children, he always expects to be included.

I'm getting fed up with it. I feel resentful living on the fringes of his world, while he expects to be at the center of mine. Am I selfish, or do I have a legitimate complaint? -- OFF BALANCE IN VIRGINIA

DEAR OFF BALANCE: You and your boyfriend should both be spending some separate vacation time with your children, but not to the exclusion of each other. That he would take trips you had planned together without you seems peculiar, and I don't think you are selfish to be bothered by it.

Although you have been seeing each other for two years, he does not appear to be anywhere near ready to jump into the kind of relationship you are wishing for. You do have a legitimate complaint. Continue the discussion about this because something does appear to be off balance.

DEAR ABBY: After 16 years of loyal and dedicated service to my employer, I find myself out of work. Months ago, I needed double knee replacements. I gave him three months' notice about my surgery, planning to return on June 1. It was a one-girl office; I was responsible for all the administrative duties.

When I called my employer, he said, "Sorry. No work," and hung up on me! I am 64 years old and jobless. I haven't written a resume in more than 20 years. How do I start rebuilding my life?

Life is not kind when you are over 50, and I never thought this day would come. I had intended to work until I was 70. I can't think straight, and am hurt beyond words that I was tossed to the curb after being a loyal and dedicated employee all these years. -- DEEPLY HURT

DEAR DEEPLY HURT: You have my sympathy. For your boss to have kicked you while you were down is disgraceful. Run this scenario by an attorney who specializes in labor issues and ask if you have any recourse. Although you can't think straight right now, I assure you the lawyer will be able to advise you with a dispassionate eye.

And while you are at it, start constructing your resume. Although there may not be a job opening in the field you were working in, surely there is work for someone with a 16-year history of loyal service to one employer and the skills you have acquired and polished along the way.

DEAR ABBY: My brother "Nick" was married for 17 years until he got caught cheating on his wife with her much-younger niece. He's 34; she's 20. They say they are in love.

Nick has come home to be near family because he has been a stay-at-home dad for the last four years and doesn't have the means to start over without help. (They lived 10 hours away.) The problem is, he has asked to stay with me, which would've been fine, but he's bringing along his new love. We all love Nick's wife, and they have three children together. To let his lover stay here with him feels like a betrayal of my sister-in-law.

Out of all the siblings, I have the most room (we are recent empty nesters), and I could swing it financially. I suppose I should just get over it and help because he's family, but I'm afraid my husband won't be so forgiving. -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR CAUGHT: It's difficult, but I'll refrain from commenting on your brother's morals or judgment. Whether you should get into the middle of this mess because Nick is family isn't a question I can answer. And you won't know the answer until after you have discussed it with your husband.

P.S. I'm so mad I changed my mind about not being judgmental. It would be poetic justice if the niece met a handsome hunk her age and dumped your brother.