life

Daughter's Peace Corps Plan Gets Thumbs Down From Dad

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 15th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Our 23-year-old daughter, "Alexa," has a wonderful, well-paying corporate job with good benefits and a flexible schedule. She has low expenses, no debt and banks a respectable amount of her pay even though she lives 1,500 miles from home in a high-priced area. She works 40 hours max and has plenty of free time.

The issue? Alexa wants to quit her job and join the Peace Corps! Must we just say OK to chucking it all and moving to a Third World country?

Honestly, our biggest concern after her safety is her investing two years, moving back home and us having to support her while she looks for a post-Peace Corps job. My wife and I need to save for our own retirement, not spend it on our kids. I'm trying to convince Alexa to use her free time to volunteer (something she does not now do). What advice do you have? -- BAD IDEA

DEAR BAD IDEA: Talk to Alexa about your concerns for her future after she leaves the Peace Corps. Ask if she plans to use the money she's been putting away as a cushion after her return in the event she's unable to find a job right away. Then explain that you are asking because you need to build up your retirement monies and won't be able to give her further financial support. It's the truth, and she needs to know it before she quits her job.

Work & SchoolMoneyFamily & Parenting
life

Man Is Up-to-Here With Postponed Housecleaning

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 15th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for 20 years. I'm retired, but she still works 13-hour days in the ICU.

When she told me before we were married that she didn't clean house, I didn't realize she meant ever! I run the dishwasher, I wash and dry clothes, and I pick up my stuff. When I cleaned the kitchen and put all the bills she had scattered around in one stack, I was told, "Now I can't find anything! I have my own system, and you messed it up!"

She has promised that "when she has time" she'll clean house, but several times when she had a few days off, she spent them playing Candy Crush on her tablet. I have never told her she must clean; I say we need to do it. She ignores me.

Abby, we both have allergies and asthma issues, and the bugs are starting to get bad even though we don't leave old food out. What can I do? Hope she forgives me after I clean? -- IN A MESS IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR IN A MESS: No. The responsibility for ensuring your home is healthy and habitable should not rest solely on your shoulders. I DO think you should hire a house cleaner to come in once a week. Your wife has a stressful job, and when she's off she may need to rest. Because you are retired and she's still working, it shouldn't break the bank, so discuss this option with her.

Health & SafetyMarriage & Divorce
life

Teen Plans Approach to Cross-Country Teammate

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 15th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a junior in high school, and there's a cute guy on my cross country team I really like. What's the best way to find out if he returns my feelings, and how can I deal with it if he doesn't? -- TEEN IN MONTANA

DEAR TEEN: A way to find out if a guy likes you is to start talking to him about your sport or other school-related subjects. If you do, you will soon see if you have anything else in common. If he's interested in talking to you, that's a good sign. But if he isn't, you'll have to do what everyone else does: Accept the disappointment and move on.

Work & SchoolTeensLove & Dating
life

Divorcing Mom Is Grateful for New Man's Friendship

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 14th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: A year ago my 13-year marriage fell apart. My husband, "Rick," will be spending the next six years in prison. I am 32 and have two boys, ages 13 and 15.

The last year has been pretty tough for all of us. I've been learning how to be both mother and father to them. I am also heartbroken by what he did that landed him in prison. I have filed for divorce, and there will be no reconciliation.

I never thought I would be with another man. Rick is the only man I have ever been with. But over the last couple of months I have begun developing feelings for someone, or at least I think I have.

"Jason" is a great man. We attend the same church, and it's very important to me and my family that he's devoted to God like we are. Jason loves my kids, and my kids like him a lot, too. He has also taken the time to mentor my oldest son. Every time I see Jason I feel happier than I've been in a very long time. He is the polar opposite of Rick, and he has no idea of how strong my feelings are toward him.

Should I let Jason know what my feelings are? I'm confused. Could this just be me wanting companionship? I love being his friend and would like to continue to be. I don't want to ruin it by revealing my feelings if he doesn't feel the same. Also, I don't want to rush into anything. Please advise me. -- LONELY AND CONFUSED OUT WEST

DEAR LONELY AND CONFUSED: There is nothing wrong with wanting companionship, but the last thing you and your children need is for you to jump from the frying pan into the fire. You are still a married woman. Jason may be terrific -- Heaven sent, even -- but it's too soon to "declare" anything. The two of you are still getting to know each other, and love needs time to develop. Be patient and allow the relationship to evolve gradually in its own time.

Love & DatingFamily & ParentingMarriage & Divorce
life

Recipient With Bad Knees Misses Deliveries From Impatient Drivers

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 14th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: This is for delivery drivers or anyone making a delivery to your house that requires a signature or a real person to receive the item (i.e., an Uber driver with food). I'm 61 and have very bad knees. I can't just jump up and run to the door. Today a driver knocked on my door and then, as I was trying to get out of my chair and walk to the door, he started punching the doorbell repeatedly.

People with arthritis, bad knees or many other conditions can't get there in an instant. Please give folks like us a minute to get to the door. Someone could fall while trying to rush and get hurt. -- NOT FAST ENOUGH IN FLORIDA

DEAR N.F.E.: You make a good point. Delivery people sometimes become frustrated because they have many deliveries to make. A solution to your problem might be to post a small sign next to your doorbell that reads: Please be patient. I'll open the door in a minute!

P.S. For those who are inclined, "smart" doorbells are available for use with a cellphone that enable you to communicate with a delivery person at the door before you get there. Consider getting one.

Health & SafetyEtiquette & Ethics
life

Wife Can No Longer Endure Vicious Tales Man's Ex Tells

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 13th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my husband for five years, and we have two children together. It's my husband's second marriage and my first. He and his first wife, "Gretchen," had no kids, but they did have a long and messy divorce. She and her family live in the same small town as we do. Her favorite pastime is telling anyone who will listen that my husband physically abused and raped her.

I know my husband. In our five years together he has never so much as raised his voice to me or our children. I don't presume to know what happened between him and Gretchen during their marriage, but I know in my heart it never got physical. I have spent five years listening to this garbage and hearing her put him down and say nasty things about me. I have reached my limit. Should I confront her or just keep refusing to acknowledge her? -- DRAMA WITH HIS EX

DEAR DRAMA: You know that what your husband's ex is saying isn't true because you have been with your husband long enough to see the kind of person he is. Continue to ignore and avoid her. If someone repeats her stories, tell them that in your experience what she's saying couldn't be further from the truth. People who know you will understand what Gretchen's saying for what it is -- unhappiness and vindictiveness.

AbuseMarriage & Divorce
life

Man Is Appalled by His Response to News of Father's Cancer

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 13th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm at a loss and need some outside advice. I'm a man, married for two years. My husband and I have a great marriage, but last week my father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and I'm having trouble processing it. My husband is super supportive and has had my back 100 percent. But yesterday I woke up and a friend of mine wanted to meet with me and we ended up having sex.

What's wrong with me? I have never cheated before. I have been cheated on in the past, and I know how much it hurt, so I vowed never to do it. But it just happened. I regret what I did, and I feel gross. Why would I do this? Is it my way of coping with Dad's illness? I need to understand what the hell happened. Please help. -- OFF THE RAILS

DEAR OFF: I, too, suspect that your infidelity may be related to trying to deal with your father's diagnosis. It is not as unusual as you may think for people to react to grief, trauma or death by doing something uncharacteristic. However, if this becomes your default coping mechanism, discuss it with a licensed psychotherapist so it doesn't destroy your marriage.

P.S. Unplanned sexual encounters can have unplanned consequences. To make sure this one hasn't, contact your doctor about being checked for an STD. And consider coming clean to your husband, because it would be disastrous if your friend let the truth slip out accidentally. (And, of course, if you've developed an STD, tell your husband right away.)

Mental HealthHealth & SafetyDeathMarriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting

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