life

Divorcing Mom Is Grateful for New Man's Friendship

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 14th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: A year ago my 13-year marriage fell apart. My husband, "Rick," will be spending the next six years in prison. I am 32 and have two boys, ages 13 and 15.

The last year has been pretty tough for all of us. I've been learning how to be both mother and father to them. I am also heartbroken by what he did that landed him in prison. I have filed for divorce, and there will be no reconciliation.

I never thought I would be with another man. Rick is the only man I have ever been with. But over the last couple of months I have begun developing feelings for someone, or at least I think I have.

"Jason" is a great man. We attend the same church, and it's very important to me and my family that he's devoted to God like we are. Jason loves my kids, and my kids like him a lot, too. He has also taken the time to mentor my oldest son. Every time I see Jason I feel happier than I've been in a very long time. He is the polar opposite of Rick, and he has no idea of how strong my feelings are toward him.

Should I let Jason know what my feelings are? I'm confused. Could this just be me wanting companionship? I love being his friend and would like to continue to be. I don't want to ruin it by revealing my feelings if he doesn't feel the same. Also, I don't want to rush into anything. Please advise me. -- LONELY AND CONFUSED OUT WEST

DEAR LONELY AND CONFUSED: There is nothing wrong with wanting companionship, but the last thing you and your children need is for you to jump from the frying pan into the fire. You are still a married woman. Jason may be terrific -- Heaven sent, even -- but it's too soon to "declare" anything. The two of you are still getting to know each other, and love needs time to develop. Be patient and allow the relationship to evolve gradually in its own time.

Love & DatingFamily & ParentingMarriage & Divorce
life

Recipient With Bad Knees Misses Deliveries From Impatient Drivers

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 14th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: This is for delivery drivers or anyone making a delivery to your house that requires a signature or a real person to receive the item (i.e., an Uber driver with food). I'm 61 and have very bad knees. I can't just jump up and run to the door. Today a driver knocked on my door and then, as I was trying to get out of my chair and walk to the door, he started punching the doorbell repeatedly.

People with arthritis, bad knees or many other conditions can't get there in an instant. Please give folks like us a minute to get to the door. Someone could fall while trying to rush and get hurt. -- NOT FAST ENOUGH IN FLORIDA

DEAR N.F.E.: You make a good point. Delivery people sometimes become frustrated because they have many deliveries to make. A solution to your problem might be to post a small sign next to your doorbell that reads: Please be patient. I'll open the door in a minute!

P.S. For those who are inclined, "smart" doorbells are available for use with a cellphone that enable you to communicate with a delivery person at the door before you get there. Consider getting one.

Health & SafetyEtiquette & Ethics
life

Wife Can No Longer Endure Vicious Tales Man's Ex Tells

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 13th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my husband for five years, and we have two children together. It's my husband's second marriage and my first. He and his first wife, "Gretchen," had no kids, but they did have a long and messy divorce. She and her family live in the same small town as we do. Her favorite pastime is telling anyone who will listen that my husband physically abused and raped her.

I know my husband. In our five years together he has never so much as raised his voice to me or our children. I don't presume to know what happened between him and Gretchen during their marriage, but I know in my heart it never got physical. I have spent five years listening to this garbage and hearing her put him down and say nasty things about me. I have reached my limit. Should I confront her or just keep refusing to acknowledge her? -- DRAMA WITH HIS EX

DEAR DRAMA: You know that what your husband's ex is saying isn't true because you have been with your husband long enough to see the kind of person he is. Continue to ignore and avoid her. If someone repeats her stories, tell them that in your experience what she's saying couldn't be further from the truth. People who know you will understand what Gretchen's saying for what it is -- unhappiness and vindictiveness.

AbuseMarriage & Divorce
life

Man Is Appalled by His Response to News of Father's Cancer

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 13th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm at a loss and need some outside advice. I'm a man, married for two years. My husband and I have a great marriage, but last week my father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and I'm having trouble processing it. My husband is super supportive and has had my back 100 percent. But yesterday I woke up and a friend of mine wanted to meet with me and we ended up having sex.

What's wrong with me? I have never cheated before. I have been cheated on in the past, and I know how much it hurt, so I vowed never to do it. But it just happened. I regret what I did, and I feel gross. Why would I do this? Is it my way of coping with Dad's illness? I need to understand what the hell happened. Please help. -- OFF THE RAILS

DEAR OFF: I, too, suspect that your infidelity may be related to trying to deal with your father's diagnosis. It is not as unusual as you may think for people to react to grief, trauma or death by doing something uncharacteristic. However, if this becomes your default coping mechanism, discuss it with a licensed psychotherapist so it doesn't destroy your marriage.

P.S. Unplanned sexual encounters can have unplanned consequences. To make sure this one hasn't, contact your doctor about being checked for an STD. And consider coming clean to your husband, because it would be disastrous if your friend let the truth slip out accidentally. (And, of course, if you've developed an STD, tell your husband right away.)

Mental HealthHealth & SafetyDeathMarriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Man Retiring From the Military Deploys New Rules in Marriage

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 12th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 10 years is in the process of retiring from the military and is now re-evaluating "procedures" and "policies" of everything -- including our marriage. I'm trying to respect his needs in an effort to help him make sense of things. However, there are times when I feel some of his new rules are hurtful or harmful and need to be negotiated or evaluated. (By the way, in general, I do not encourage or support the idea of "rules" in marriage aside from fidelity; communication should be the rule in my opinion, but I digress.)

His latest rule is that I need to be covered when getting ready in the morning ("It's not proper to be so comfortable naked, and if you respect me, you would do as I ask"). He said he thinks I look amazing now, but then he added: "Think about when you are your grandmother's age; you won't be pleasant to look at."

As his partner, I feel we should make each other feel comfortable in the buff, and it's harmful to ask our partner to cover up for any reason in the sanctity of our home. We have no children and live alone, and I have always gotten ready in the mornings this way, behind closed doors, where no one but my husband can see me. Abby, can you guide us to resolution on this matter? -- NOTHING TO HIDE IN GEORGIA

DEAR NOTHING: As a military man, your husband is used to rules and structure, which are necessary in that environment. This, however, is civilian life. Before allowing him to make any more rules or institute a change in dress code (undress code), allow me to "guide" you directly to the office of a licensed marriage counselor because, unless there is something you have omitted from your letter, your husband is a mile off base.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Plans for Eternal Rest Are Disrupted by Cousin's Placement in Family Graveyard

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 12th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My mother and her brother are buried in a family graveyard. He is on the upper side. It was understood by both families that I would be buried next to my mother when I died. My uncle's grandson recently passed away and, without saying a word about it to our family, my cousin had him buried next to my mother. She said the space beside my mother was more desirable than the one on my uncle's side.

I'm so upset I can't sleep, and I don't know if I should pay to have the deceased moved to my uncle's side of the graveyard or just let him lay there. I feel beyond betrayed, and I will never speak to this vile woman again. She said I am overreacting. Am I? -- CAN'T SLEEP IN THE SOUTH

DEAR CAN'T SLEEP: While your feelings are understandable, and I don't blame you for being upset, to let this take over your life would be a mistake. It couldn't hurt to inquire at the cemetery about having your cousin's corpse moved, although I'm not sure it can be done without the consent of his next of kin. If moving his body is not possible, please remember that when you are gone, your spirit will join with your mother's regardless of where your earthly remains reside.

Family & ParentingDeath

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