DEAR ABBY: Our youngest son recently married a woman who has an 18-year-old disabled daughter, "Lauren." The girl's mental level is between that of a 2- and 4-year-old. There have been physical confrontations between my new daughter-in-law and her disabled daughter, which are becoming more frequent now that they all live together. Our daughter-in-law refuses to pursue facilities for Lauren, saying she is waiting for her to be transitioned into a group home and feels much guilt in doing so.

Lauren is currently in a day program, which doesn't seem to be helping her. She has definite behavioral issues and has been put on a higher level of meds that haven't helped. Psychologists, counselors and school staff are noncommittal about offering any help and haven't advised on how to address this.

My concern is, my son and his wife now have a 6-month-old son, and I worry about the baby in this home environment. Our son loves his wife and thought he could handle the challenges that come with living with Lauren. He now says he thinks it is best to end the marriage, but he's uncomfortable about giving an ultimatum to his wife. He has a high-pressure job, and his new home environment is taking a toll on him, physically and mentally. Any advice for him is appreciated. -- MOM ON THE SIDELINES

DEAR MOM: I appreciate your concern for the well-being of your son, but if you are smart, you will remain supportively on the sidelines and not insert yourself into this sensitive situation. If your son feels so pressured he's considering ending his marriage, he should be telling his wife about it and not his mother.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 31-year-old waitress and proud atheist. I'm one of the least judgmental people I know. Who other people love, or how they choose to worship isn't important to me.

I have a regular customer who comes in to the restaurant about twice a month. He's a pastor and one of the nicest guys I think I've ever met. He'll often bring along people from his congregation and buy them dinner. He counsels new families and tries to teach them the ways of the world. He counsels angry teenagers, and they listen to him. I have tremendous respect for him.

The problem is, every time he comes in, he tries to get me to come to his church. It's sometimes an hourlong conversation. At first I was polite about it and just said no thank you. Recently it reached the point where I said firmly, "I don't need your church." Abby, he still persists!

I don't know what to do anymore. I wouldn't feel right kicking him out of the restaurant. Is there a middle ground? -- NONBELIEVER IN GEORGIA

DEAR NONBELIEVER: The pastor may be an evangelical, who feels that it is his duty to "spread the word." The middle ground, since he seems unable to accept your polite refusals, is to have another waitress serve him instead of you, if that's possible. If not, ask your manager for guidance.

DEAR ABBY: I gave birth to my daughter three months ago, after 44 grueling hours of labor. My mother, assuming I would want her in the delivery room, booked her flight, flew across the country and stayed at my house without asking when I'd like her to come to help me.

During her stay, she made comments about how she had flown 2,000 miles to "dog-sit" for me, that she knew she wasn't wanted, and had she known my daughter wasn't going to come on time (I was induced), she wouldn't have "wasted her vacation" to fly in early. The entire visit was miserable.

Without consulting my husband and me, she has now booked a flight to come and stay with us for Christmas. Christmas is my favorite holiday, and I'm dreading the thought of her being here and worried this visit will be just as awful as the last. I'd like my daughter's first Christmas to be a happy occasion.

I asked my mother to change her flights and come in after the holiday, only to be met with the accusation "you're being selfish" from her and my stepfather. How do I tell them that I don't want them here for Christmas while minimizing hurt feelings? -- PUSHED TOO FAR IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR PUSHED: It appears you not only have a pushy mother, but also one who has no filter. When she made the comments she did when she came to "help" after the delivery, did you tell her how offended you were? Or were you so weak from the struggle to give life that you wilted? If you didn't tell her how you felt, you have a communication problem.

Give your mother one more chance. Welcome her and your stepfather at Christmas and, if she makes a demeaning or unkind comment, call her on it! And when you do, tell her that in the future you and your husband prefer to invite your houseguests rather than have them descend upon you.

DEAR ABBY: Because my husband and I are reaching advanced years, we know we will soon have to downsize to a senior living facility. In anticipation, we have begun distributing keepsakes we have accumulated over the years. Many were gifts with special meaning. Some are heirlooms that have been passed down from previous generations.

When I helped my son with his garage sale recently, I was shocked to discover several of the keepsakes on display. I didn't know how to react, but I did speak to him about it. Apparently, he doesn't value them! How should I handle future distribution of keepsakes, as there are more of them, some of which I had intended for him and his family? Apparently, his wife and son also have no interest in them. -- SENTIMENTAL IN WISCONSIN

DEAR SENTIMENTAL: You now have two choices. You can either give the items as gifts to other family members, after first ensuring that they will be appreciated and treasured, or sell them and use the money to cover any expenses that may come up in the future.

P.S. If they have historical value, consider donating them to a museum or your state historical society.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 53-year-old woman who is a sexual abuse survivor. This has consumed every aspect of my life. It started when I was around 2, I believe, and was a daily occurrence until I was 14. My abuser was my paternal grandfather, now deceased.

I've sought counseling and therapy groups -- whatever I could -- over the years, to no avail. I just can't shake it. I have dealt with flashbacks, nightmares, failed marriages, etc. I just want to be and feel normal, and I don't know how.

Am I searching for something that does not exist? I don't know if you can help me, but please, if you have any advice at all, I would be beyond grateful. -- LOST IN THE SOUTH

DEAR LOST: My heart goes out to you. You have experienced an atrocity. The groups you have been attending may not have been the right ones for you. One-on-one sessions with a licensed mental health professional, someone who specializes in working with victims of sexual abuse and/or PTSD, might be more appropriate.

A good place to start finding the help you're looking for would be the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN). It's the nation's largest anti-sexual violence network. You can find it online at rainn.org or by calling 800-656-4673. I wish you healing and success. Please let me hear from you again and tell me how you are doing.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 29-year-old woman living on my own an hour away from my family. My parents were bitterly divorced 10 years ago, and a year ago I lost my father to cancer. At the time, my mother voiced her disapproval of my going to be with him on his deathbed. The day he passed, she told me not to be too sad because "he was thinking about suicide anyway." I have so much anger toward her for these and other things her emotional immaturity has led her to do or say.

On the one-year anniversary of Daddy's death, she tried to pick a fight with me for "obviously not wanting to talk" to her. It prompted me to do exactly that, and I calmly discontinued speaking with her.

The past two weeks without my mother's voice in my life have been the longest stretch of peace and confidence I have experienced in a long time, but her birthday is coming up, and I worry that I am being a bad daughter by continuing not to talk to her. What's more important -- healing the breach, or my own mental health? -- CONFLICTED DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: For both your sakes, do both if you can manage it. Try this: Explain to your mother the reason for your sudden silence. Set some firm boundaries. If she cooperates, you will still be able to have a relationship with her. If she doesn't, at least you will know you tried.

DEAR ABBY: I have asked my husband to please not spit in the kitchen sink or to floss his teeth at the kitchen table. He responds by getting mad and huffing off like I am being a nag. Am I in the wrong? Does he have the right to gross me out this way? -- DISGUSTED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR DISGUSTED: Considerate spouses refrain from doing things they know will annoy their partner. I'm sure if your gem of a husband told you not to do something that bothers him, you would respect his wishes. Well, it's supposed to work both ways.