life

Mom Stays Close to Married Son Through a Tracking App

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 28th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband for five years. We live in the same town as my in-laws, and for the most part, we get along great. However, my mother-in-law does something that makes me uneasy. She uses an app to track my husband. She pressured him into installing it right before our wedding and has tracked him ever since.

She'll often text or call him to ask why he's going to the store, or what he was doing when he was late to work, etc. Once he tried to remove the app, but she quickly noticed and confronted him. Abby, I have never seen her so angry! My husband caved and reinstalled it. Since then, he says it doesn't really bother him that she tracks him.

Part of me feels that if he wants to let his mother track him, that's his business. But another part of me feels this is an invasion of my privacy as well, since we are together much of the time. It also worries me that he's so quick to cave to his mother's demands, and that he isn't bothered by such an obvious invasion of privacy.

Am I wrong to be upset about this? What can I do to get my mother-in-law to give us some privacy? -- UNEASY IN KANSAS

DEAR UNEASY: You're not wrong. Your husband should revoke the location permission on the app on his phone or delete it altogether.

What his mother is doing is sick. She is using the tracker as a substitute for the umbilical cord that should have been severed when her son was born. It's a huge invasion of your and your husband's privacy.

He is so used to caving in to his mother that he doesn't have the strength to assert himself. I do not think you should take your mother-in-law on by yourself. Enlist the help of a licensed marriage and family therapist for suggestions about how to create some separation, because that process may be somewhat complicated.

Family & Parenting
life

Man's Sex Fantasy Puts Relationship on Shaky Ground

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 28th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My relationship with my boyfriend has been wonderful, except for one issue. He wants us to have a three-way with another woman. Even after I let him know I'm not bisexual, he has suggested it multiple times. Some of my previous partners have suggested this as well, and it has left me feeling as though I will never be enough. I consider it cheating, although they might disagree because I would be involved.

I find this extremely hurtful. I love my boyfriend and don't want to end the relationship, but I'm afraid I must because I don't want to be with someone I can never satisfy (he has mentioned he plans to propose).

What do you think? I wish he had never asked me to do this because it feels horrible. If any male readers have insight, I'd love to hear from them as well. -- NOT ENOUGH

DEAR NOT ENOUGH: What your boyfriend has suggested is a common male fantasy. I can only wonder if he would react the same way you have if you suggested a threesome with him and another man.

Because this isn't your cup of tea, you are right to have refused. What concerns me is what you think is going to happen if the two of you should marry, because this issue will not go away once the "I do's" are over. As you requested, I will let male readers weigh in on this one, but personally, I think the time has come to resume your search for Mr. Right.

Sex & GenderLove & Dating
life

Adult Children Fail to Warm to Stepdad of Eight Years

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 27th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I was married for 19 years and have three adult daughters from that marriage. I remarried eight years ago to a woman who has two adult children. My relationship with them is not good, in spite of my efforts to engage them in basic conversation. She told me recently that neither one of them likes me. In fact, she has suggested I just say hello and goodbye and leave it at that.

I'm not sure what I am supposed to do with this information. I don't think at this point in my life (age 66) I'm interested in changing myself to coax anybody to like me. I'm irritated with my wife for telling me her kids don't like me. If any of my daughters said, "I don't like your wife," I wouldn't mention it to her because I know she wouldn't want to go with me to visit them. My desire to visit either of her kids is now nonexistent. Your thoughts? -- UNLIKED IN OHIO

DEAR UNLIKED: I think it is interesting that your wife didn't tell you WHY her children don't like you, or if she did, that you didn't elaborate. Under the circumstances, your reaction is understandable, so stay home and enjoy yourself while your wife visits them. If you do, I suspect you will all be happier.

Family & Parenting
life

Anniversary Getaway Is Marred by Souvenir

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 27th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I just celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary and went away for a long weekend. Late in the second day, my wife said, "Don't get mad at me, but a guy who works for me asked me to bring him a souvenir." Then she told me she didn't want to get me involved.

My question is, why wouldn't she mention it at the start of the trip and instead bring it up two days into our getaway? It makes me feel like she was thinking of him on our anniversary. Am I reading too much into this, or should I be concerned? By the way, I wouldn't think of another woman -- co-worker or not -- during a getaway with my wife. -- UNSURE IN THE WEST

DEAR UNSURE: Please stop worrying. If you and your bride have had a happy marriage for 30 years, I'm guessing that on your special day, she was thinking about how lucky the two of you are to have had three blessed decades together. If she had anything to hide, she wouldn't have mentioned the souvenir. I'm guessing she brought it up because she didn't want to forget she had agreed to bring something and come home empty-handed.

Work & SchoolHolidays & CelebrationsFamily & Parenting
life

Boyfriend Dwells Between Telling Lies and Telling the Truth

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 27th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of 12 years worries me. He's a man who wants life to be like he wants it to be, not like it is. He thinks everyone owes him a discount on whatever he's buying. He can talk for what seems like a month, and while he never really lies, he never exactly tells the truth. This puts a huge strain on our relationship.

I love him, but I don't trust him. I have caught him in many discrepancies. When confronted, he sometimes will own up to them. What should I do? -- NERVOUS IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR NERVOUS: I think in your heart you already know what you should do. If you can't trust someone, there is no basis for a meaningful relationship. I wish you had written me about this 11 1/2 years ago, when ending the romance would have been less painful.

Love & Dating
life

First International Business Trip Raises Culture Questions

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 26th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm worried for my son. He's going on his first business trip in January -- to Japan. He doesn't drink alcohol. (He's not an alcoholic; it's his personal choice.) His bosses, who do business there frequently, are now telling him that the Japanese will not do business with you unless you drink with them first. Can you find out if this is true? And if it is, what can, or should, my son do? -- WORRIED MOM

DEAR WORRIED: Although alcohol can be a part of an important bonding ritual across East Asia, your son may be able to forge successful business relationships in other ways. According to Erin Meyer, a professor at the international graduate business school INSEAD and author of "The Culture Map: Breaking Through the Invisible Boundaries of Global Business": "If you don't drink, you can certainly find other ways to partake in the fun; in Japan, a round of karaoke or a trip to the spa can do wonders." Because your son is involved in international business, he may find professor Meyer's book, which was published in 2014, will give him valuable insight.

Family & ParentingWork & SchoolEtiquette & Ethics
life

Wife Is Left Out of Husband's Estate Plan

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 26th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have some concerns about my marriage. My husband is a retired U.S. veteran. He was married before we got together, and his former spouse receives his survivor benefits. This was something that was decided during their divorce. I am not entitled to anything.

I have been a loving wife and have taken care of him for the 14 years we have been married. He has one daughter who is 40-plus years old. I just found out that I am not his beneficiary on anything -- she is! This has me very worried. Please let me know what I need to do about this situation. -- LOVING WIFE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR LOVING WIFE: What you need to do is discuss this with your husband to see if he will modify his will, which may have been drafted before he married you. Then the two of you should talk to an attorney, preferably one who specializes in wills and trusts. If your husband is not willing to make an adjustment, then consult an attorney on your own because, as it stands, your husband's estate plan is not fair to you.

DeathMoneyMarriage & Divorce
life

Family Outgrows Grandparent's Holiday Budget

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 26th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have a large family. As the grandchildren are now adults with significant others, it's getting beyond my financial means to buy a Christmas gift for everyone -- something I have always done. I now have a brand-new great-grandchild. What do other grandparents do at holidays about gifts? -- AT MY LIMIT IN NEW YORK

DEAR LIMIT: Some grandparents set an age limit after which gifts cease. Some families have a "pool" from which names are drawn so each family member buys only one gift per family. And other grandparents tell their children and adult grandchildren the truth -- explaining that because they can no longer afford to buy gifts, from now on they'll be exchanging Christmas card greetings only.

MoneyHolidays & CelebrationsFamily & Parenting

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