DEAR ABBY: I have a nephew who is a Level III sex offender. My mom wants him at her house for the holidays, but none of the other family members plan to attend with their kids if he's there.

Mom insists we should forgive him and can't understand how people can't forgive him for molesting children in his family. I don't understand how my mom thinks it should be easy for us to forgive, but I feel bad for what she's going through. She feels like her family is being torn apart. How can I help her understand that I see both sides of it? What should I do? -- TORN APART

DEAR TORN: Go online and print out the definition of a Level III or Tier III sex offender so your mother can read it. These individuals are considered the most dangerous and most likely to reoffend. While at some point your relatives may be able to forgive your nephew for what he did, to ignore it could be dangerous for their children. Although you didn't mention the conditions under which he is out of prison, he may no longer be allowed to be in the presence of minors, because if he's caught, he might have to go back in.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married 40 years. Ten years into it, my wife had an affair with her high school first love, "Will," that resulted in a child. We raised the boy as our own.

Fast-forward 20 years. She has had another affair with Will and continues to want to stay in contact with him. She insists that she's in love with me, but says she also loves him and "needs him" in her life.

She will be traveling to her hometown soon and plans to have dinner with him. She insists there will be no sex and that her heart and mind are in a better place. Must I grin and bear this or insist on no contact whatsoever with Will? -- OTHER MAN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR OTHER MAN: I understand why you would be worried. Where her high school sweetheart is concerned, your wife appears to lack willpower. You do not have to tolerate anything that is painful for you. Because your wife cheated with Will not once but twice, you are within your rights to insist that she have no more contact with him.

DEAR ABBY: My friend just died. I receive only Social Security disability, and I'm poor. I don't have a suit or dark dress pants, just blue jeans and T-shirts. However, I can afford a dark-colored dress shirt to wear to my friend's funeral. Is this acceptable attire for saying goodbye to my friend, or would it be better to say goodbye on my own after the funeral? I don't know his relatives, and learned of his death only today when a family member showed up to collect something I held for him. -- SAYING GOODBYE

DEAR SAYING GOODBYE: I'm sorry you lost your friend. If you would like to attend the funeral, by all means do. Funerals aren't supposed to be fashion runways, so wear whatever you feel is respectful and stop worrying about offending anyone's sensibilities. People are there to pay respects to your friend. No one should be looking at or judging you.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who constantly talks about all the negative politics going on today. I'm sick of hearing it. It's not because I don't care or disagree, but it has become the topic of every conversation. She's extremely depressed, has major anxiety issues and, despite seeing a therapist, her condition has not only not improved, but has gotten worse.

I feel it has become a one-way conversation, and she's not interested in listening to me. This is extremely upsetting because my husband passed away two years ago, and she doesn't want to hear about it. She thinks it is less important since it "only affects me," and I "should have gotten over it by now." My husband and I were married 30 years, and his death was sudden and unexpected. Please help me get through this difficult time. -- OVERWHELMED IN IOWA

DEAR OVERWHELMED: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your husband. Because you are still grieving, and your friend is unable to help you cope with your sadness, it might help you to join a grief support group in which you can air those feelings with others who understand.

As to your friendship with the troubled individual you wrote about, it might be healthier for you to step back for a time. You are not equipped to handle -- or help her handle -- her anxiety and depression. That's her therapist's job, and unless you can pry her off the topic of politics and on to something more neutral, your time would be better spent with people who are better balanced.

DEAR ABBY: I have one sister, who is 10 years my junior. I have always lived in a big city; she lives on a ranch near a small town. I'm widowed now and recently moved to another town to be near my son.

On two occasions my sister has come to help me with unpacking and has overruled many of my decisions regarding what I will keep or sell, where to put things, etc. When I objected, she became emotional and left in a huff.

She and her husband were coming to help again, but beforehand she had already told my son how they were planning to get things done. Any time there's even a hint of a problem, she calls my son and tells him about it, and obviously, only from her point of view.

I'm afraid irreparable damage has been done to our relationship, and I don't know what to do. I have no other relatives. Please advise. -- BROKENHEARTED IN TEXAS

DEAR BROKENHEARTED: I'm sorry you are brokenhearted, but with time your broken heart will heal. From your description of her, your sister appears to be overbearing and loose-lipped. Unless you are willing to live according to her rules, what you should do is hire someone to help you unpack and begin cultivating relationships outside the family that are less high-maintenance than the one you have with your sister. If you do, I'm sure you will be much happier.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my early 20s and the only one in my circle of friends who's currently in college. They all want to hang out all the time, but most of them live more than 100 miles away. I have a strict school schedule, and I'm required to study and earn high grades or I will be let go from my university.

I don't like feeling like I'm being a jerk telling my friends I can't make it to certain events. How can I explain to them that I can't drive there every weekend to hang out? Sometimes I wonder if we're growing apart because they aren't doing the same things I'm doing. Is there something wrong with me because I'm still holding on? How can I explain to them that we can't be as close as we were? If you could help me figure out how to explain my situation without feeling guilty, it'd be great. -- BUSY IN CANADA

DEAR BUSY: There is nothing wrong with you. Relationships do not always stay static. Most of them ebb and flow as yours are, so please stop flogging yourself for making mature choices.

Being able to prioritize is a skill you should be proud of. You don't need to make any grand speeches to your old friends about why you see them less often. Just continue explaining that for now your education must take precedence over your social life because if it doesn't, you may not be able to earn your degree. If your old friends are really friends, they'll understand.

P.S. Look at the bright side. If you aren't spending chunks of your weekends driving back to your hometown, you will have more time to develop new friendships at school, some of which may last a lifetime.

DEAR ABBY: May I offer a suggestion to pet owners who hire pet sitters during the holidays? If you are happy with their services, consider giving them a tip.

Every year I am astounded at the number of clients who don't give me a gratuity on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Many -- if not most -- tell me how pleased they are with my services, but surprisingly few do anything more than that. I confess, it makes me feel underappreciated.

Often, when I ask friends if they tip their sitters, they say it never occurred to them! So if you have a reliable sitter and you're happy with his or her work, please give them a little bit extra for working on the holidays when most of us relax and celebrate with our families. -- CAT SITTER IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR SITTER: Tipping at holiday time can be stressful, and not everyone considers an independent contractor someone to whom they need to give extra money. (Would you be comfortable getting a fruitcake instead?) While I'm pleased to put the word out for you, because you feel you aren't being properly compensated, perhaps you should consider raising your fees in November and December.