life

Mother's Empty-Nest Syndrome Becomes an Unhealthy Fixation

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 18th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am suffering from a depression I think many mothers experience when they become empty nesters. Although my husband is supportive, I miss my 18-year-old so much that sometimes I'm tempted to drive to his college in Florida. My husband and I have always wanted to live in a warmer climate, but he doesn't like the humidity in Florida. We had planned to move to Arizona once my son went away to college, but now I'm having second thoughts because the drive to Arizona from Orlando is twice the distance, and I don't think I can take his being that far away.

I have good job offers in Arizona, and family there as well, so I know it would be a healthier place for me to be. I just cannot reconcile with the fact that my son will be so far away. He will be in college in Orlando for the next five years, as he is in a master's degree engineering program. Am I being overprotective? He's my only son. I have real anxieties about this and have been seeing a counselor as well as my doctor, who prescribed a mild antidepressant. Is this normal? Should I stay put? Should I move? -- INDECISIVE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR INDECISIVE: While some degree of empty-nest syndrome is normal, what you are experiencing is not. Keep the conversation open with your husband about relocating to Arizona. Your son needs a chance to become independent as much as you need the time to allow it to happen.

You say your husband can't tolerate the Florida humidity. Is it your intention to impose it on him for the next five years? It would create unnecessary stress on your marriage. Further, what will happen after your son earns his degrees and is offered a job elsewhere? Do you plan to move again to be close to him?

Continue your counseling and meds. And while you're at it, find a volunteer project so you won't have time to sit and brood. With time, your anxiety will subside, and you will become less emotionally dependent upon your son -- which will be healthier for both of you.

Mental HealthMarriage & DivorceWork & SchoolHealth & SafetyFamily & Parenting
life

Public Insults Should Sometimes Be Dealt With in Private

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 18th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have read many of your columns and enjoyed them. These days though, you seem to hear from more and more people who are afraid of saying what needs to be said. I suspect it can be chalked up to the "be politically correct" nature of our country lately. But why is it that when people do speak their minds, others consider them rude? I let people know when they are disrespectful to me in public, and I don't put up with being put down. Am I wrong in feeling that people who say mean things need to be immediately corrected? Or am I really being rude? -- FARMGIRL IN MISSOURI

DEAR FARMGIRL: You are not wrong, and it is not rude if you choose to defend yourself. What you are being is assertive, which is a healthy personality trait. No one should have to accept as normal social interaction being made to feel "less than" in public. If someone has a bone to pick with you -- and vice versa -- it should be done in private.

Etiquette & Ethics
life

Wife Irked as Man Reconnects With Old Partners on Facebook

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 17th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband has an extensive sexual history. He has had sex with more than 80 partners. All the encounters were when he was in high school and in his early 20s. Most were one-night stands with female friends.

When we met, he was honest, and I was understanding. He didn't keep in touch with any of those females (pre-Facebook). But now he's friends with several of them on Facebook, and while he doesn't "talk" to them, he comments and "likes" many of their posts. This makes me uncomfortable because I don't feel that past sexual partners should be part of one's life once someone is married. I'm not jealous or insecure, I just think it's disrespectful. Am I controlling? -- ANXIOUS IN ARIZONA

DEAR ANXIOUS: Your husband was certainly active. Was he also able to keep his grade point up? You say he has been honest with you about his sexual history. Nowhere in your letter have you indicated that there has been any infidelity. I suspect that in spite of your denial, you may be feeling a bit insecure, and if your husband is telling you that you're coming across as controlling, that is the way he perceives it. "Liking" the Facebook posts of someone you haven't seen in decades isn't inviting the person to have an affair. If I were you, I'd calm down.

Marriage & DivorceSex & Gender
life

Mom Works to Shield Kids From Her Mentally Ill Sister

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 17th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: How do I get across to my parents that I don't want them exposing my minor children to my mentally ill sister? "Evangeline" is bipolar, has borderline personality disorder and sometimes acts out in public. They know how strongly I feel about this but find ways to expose my children to her anyway. My kids don't want to be around Evangeline, but my parents continue to push her on them. I'll give you an example: They'll take the kids out to dinner and "bump into her unplanned" at a restaurant. I don't know what else I can do other than tell them I don't like it. But when I do, they refuse to listen and get upset when my kids tell me they saw her. Please advise. -- LOOKING OUT FOR MY KIDS

DEAR LOOKING: Mental illness isn't contagious. As long as Evangeline is on her medication, she poses no threat to your children. Is it beyond the realm of possibility that these encounters with her are actually unplanned? Sometimes people -- myself included -- get into the habit of patronizing certain restaurants because they are nearby and serve reliably good food. It's easy to fall into a comfortable pattern.

Because you feel so strongly about these encounters, tell your parents you prefer they take your children to places your sister doesn't frequent. However, if they persist in "pushing her on," as you put it, then you may have to consider restricting your parents' visits with the grandkids to situations you can control.

Mental HealthFamily & Parenting
life

High Heels Are All About the Look

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 17th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Can you tell me why women wear high-heeled shoes? I cannot think of any benefits women derive from wearing them. Is it because they think high heels make their legs look more attractive, because it's the fashion or some other reason? -- BAFFLED AND CONFUSED

DEAR BAFFLED: Not only do high heels make the legs and ankles look more attractive, when a person wears them they appear to be a few pounds lighter because they look taller. THAT'S why! (Guilty as charged.)

life

Boyfriend Would Rather Party With Friends Than Stay Home

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 16th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating my boyfriend just over a year. We live and work together, which I enjoy. He, on the other hand, expressed from day one that all he asks for out of our relationship is "space." I'm fine with that, but now it seems he needs more and more space. (An example: Spending nights at friends' because they go out drinking on the weekends.)

I have told him I think it's selfish because weekends are the only free time both of us have together. And lately, it has become a few weekends out of the month. My friends and family think it's bordering on inappropriate because when you're in a relationship, you want to spend time with the person you love.

I'm at a crossroads. Part of me understands where he's coming from; another part of me thinks it's a cop-out. I'm wondering if I should put up with it for now until we find separate jobs (if that will even solve the problem) or if I should kick him to the curb. Advice? -- MATTER OF SPACE IN FLORIDA

DEAR MATTER OF SPACE: A man whose idea of a good time is going out drinking with his buddies to the point that he can't make it home isn't ready for an exclusive relationship. While I don't advise "kicking him to the curb," if your idea of a satisfying relationship is spending weekends enjoying each other's company, tell him you need more than he's prepared to give you and it would be better if one of you moved out.

Friends & NeighborsWork & SchoolLove & Dating
life

Special Needs of Wife and Daughter Weigh Down Military Dad

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 16th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My wife has fibromyalgia and Behcet's disease, an autoimmune disorder. We also have a 5-year-old daughter with special needs. My wife constantly complains about how much pain she's in as she spends most of her days smoking and playing on her phone. She refuses to exercise and flits from doctor to doctor trying different pills and homeopathic remedies.

I'm in the military. I work full time and go to college full time. I take care of the cooking and cleaning around the house. She has gained a tremendous amount of weight, and I am no longer physically attracted to her. I'm also beginning to feel like her illnesses are an excuse to take advantage of me. If I hear, "You promised to love me 'in sickness and in health'" one more time, I'll explode. I feel trapped and I want to run. What do I do? -- FEELING DOWN IN DELAWARE

DEAR FEELING DOWN: You are carrying a heavy load. But as tempting as it may seem, running away won't make your problems disappear. You have a child who needs you and a wife who is legitimately sick. It's time to explore what services may be available to you and your family through the military. A good place to start would be www.militaryonesource.mil. It is a 24/7 support resource for the military community that offers, among other things, face-to-face non-medical counseling.

Work & SchoolHealth & SafetyMarriage & Divorce

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