life

Boyfriend Would Rather Party With Friends Than Stay Home

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 16th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating my boyfriend just over a year. We live and work together, which I enjoy. He, on the other hand, expressed from day one that all he asks for out of our relationship is "space." I'm fine with that, but now it seems he needs more and more space. (An example: Spending nights at friends' because they go out drinking on the weekends.)

I have told him I think it's selfish because weekends are the only free time both of us have together. And lately, it has become a few weekends out of the month. My friends and family think it's bordering on inappropriate because when you're in a relationship, you want to spend time with the person you love.

I'm at a crossroads. Part of me understands where he's coming from; another part of me thinks it's a cop-out. I'm wondering if I should put up with it for now until we find separate jobs (if that will even solve the problem) or if I should kick him to the curb. Advice? -- MATTER OF SPACE IN FLORIDA

DEAR MATTER OF SPACE: A man whose idea of a good time is going out drinking with his buddies to the point that he can't make it home isn't ready for an exclusive relationship. While I don't advise "kicking him to the curb," if your idea of a satisfying relationship is spending weekends enjoying each other's company, tell him you need more than he's prepared to give you and it would be better if one of you moved out.

Love & DatingFriends & NeighborsWork & School
life

Special Needs of Wife and Daughter Weigh Down Military Dad

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 16th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My wife has fibromyalgia and Behcet's disease, an autoimmune disorder. We also have a 5-year-old daughter with special needs. My wife constantly complains about how much pain she's in as she spends most of her days smoking and playing on her phone. She refuses to exercise and flits from doctor to doctor trying different pills and homeopathic remedies.

I'm in the military. I work full time and go to college full time. I take care of the cooking and cleaning around the house. She has gained a tremendous amount of weight, and I am no longer physically attracted to her. I'm also beginning to feel like her illnesses are an excuse to take advantage of me. If I hear, "You promised to love me 'in sickness and in health'" one more time, I'll explode. I feel trapped and I want to run. What do I do? -- FEELING DOWN IN DELAWARE

DEAR FEELING DOWN: You are carrying a heavy load. But as tempting as it may seem, running away won't make your problems disappear. You have a child who needs you and a wife who is legitimately sick. It's time to explore what services may be available to you and your family through the military. A good place to start would be www.militaryonesource.mil. It is a 24/7 support resource for the military community that offers, among other things, face-to-face non-medical counseling.

Marriage & DivorceHealth & SafetyWork & School
life

Military Husband Returns Home Only to Ship Out With His Mom

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 15th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "John," recently returned from his fourth Middle East tour after having been gone for a year. As soon as he got back, his mother invited him and his two sisters on a vacation cruise for a week. He said yes, and they'll be leaving in a couple of weeks. The downside is -- no spouses allowed.

John and I are in our mid-40s. We have been married 25 years. I feel slighted, left out and, frankly, disrespected. I'm not sure how to bring this up to him or to his mom. I don't want to cause my husband, who is currently going through a difficult reintegration process, any stress. And I don't want to cause drama with his mother, who will regard my speaking up as an offense to her gesture for her children. Please help. Do I just keep my hurting mouth shut? -- HURTING IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR HURTING: Because your husband is having a difficult time reintegrating, I do think you should keep your mouth closed. The reason you and the other spouses weren't invited may have been the cost involved. If it wasn't, then Mama may have wanted her "brood" around her and no one else.

You say you and your husband have been married 25 years. That would make you a military wife. By definition, military wives are resilient and independent. If you feel you will be at loose ends while your husband is with his mother and siblings, I suggest you and the other "excluded spouses" plan some activities together to pass the time. If you all like each other, you could have a ball.

Later, when the time is right, you and your husband could plan a private getaway just for the two of you.

Family & ParentingMarriage & Divorce
life

Proud Mom Brags About Size of Rock on Daughter-in-Law's Hand

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 15th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for almost a year to an amazing man who surprised me with a stunning, large engagement ring. I'm a modest, humble person and often find myself hiding the ring because -- although I love it -- I don't like the attention it brings. My proud mother-in-law often brags about the ring to others. She recently started working at the same place I do and has been showing off the ring (on my finger) to my co-workers. It makes me very uncomfortable because I like to stay as professional as possible.

My mother-in-law is so sweet that I don't want to hurt her feelings. I also don't want to stop wearing my ring to work because it is so special to me. What do I do? -- SPARKLES PLENTY IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR SPARKLES PLENTY: It's a little late to do anything now because most of your co-workers have probably seen your ring. What you should have done when your mother-in-law first drew attention to it was take her aside and ask her privately to stop because you are a humble person and also concerned it might incite jealousy.

Work & SchoolMarriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

The Look of Love

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 15th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Is there such thing as love at first sight? -- A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS

DEAR PENNY: There is such a thing as strong mutual attraction at first sight. But love doesn't happen in an instant. Love requires actually getting to know someone.

Love & Dating
life

Mom Is Flustered to Find Her Family Therapist on Dating Site

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 14th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am conflicted about boundaries being crossed between my family therapist and me. My 7-year-old son and I have been seeing someone we both bonded with and felt comfortable with. That is, until the therapist and I found each other on an online dating site.

We matched a few months ago. Once I realized it was him, I felt embarrassed and blocked him on the site. He sent me an email within three minutes acknowledging that he knew it was me. He said he thought I was "awesome" and that I look better in person than in my pics. I was so embarrassed I didn't respond.

A couple of months went by and neither of us brought it up. My son invited him to his birthday party and he did attend. It wasn't until later that I realized therapists are not supposed to attend social events with patients. We also text often, during late-night hours.

A couple of weeks after my son's birthday party he tried matching with me again on the dating site. I was surprised and sent him a text asking him what he was doing. He responded by asking me if I was enjoying it, but did not answer my question. I do have a slight crush on him, but I'm not sure what his intentions are. I am aware that it's unethical. -- UNETHICAL CRUSH

DEAR UNETHICAL: You are correct that what the therapist has been doing is a breach of professional ethics. There is a reason for it. Patients are extremely vulnerable to manipulation.

When the online flirtation first started, you should have changed therapists. Heaven only knows how many other patients he has done this with. My advice is to draw the line, establish a working relationship with another therapist, and decide whether you want to report him to the association that licensed him to practice. You may have a crush on him, but what he is doing is predatory.

Etiquette & EthicsLove & DatingFamily & ParentingHolidays & Celebrations
life

Common Courtesies Get Short Shrift in Modern World

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 14th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Common manners are going extinct quicker than the dinosaurs did. I was raised to open doors, stand up for women sitting down at the table, etc. Nowadays opening the door for most women feels like getting slapped in the face. There is no acknowledgment of any kind.

Has our society disintegrated that far? These days if I open the door for someone and she doesn't acknowledge the courtesy, I say, "Thank you!" loud enough for her to hear and watch the reaction. I'm waiting for someone to slap me one day. -- GOOD MANNERS IN TEXAS

DEAR GOOD MANNERS: I agree that when a courtesy is extended, it should be acknowledged. However, if it isn't, shouting at someone is rude and makes you appear more like a petulant boor rather than the genteel individual your parents raised you to be.

P.S. When a gentleman opens a door for me -- old-fashioned girl that I am -- I always thank him. Then I add, "You were raised right!" which is true, and we go our separate ways with a smile.

Etiquette & Ethics

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