DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Bill," and I have been happily married for 22 years and have two very active, beautiful children. Our oldest daughter has been playing on a traveling soccer team for the last five years. Bill and I go all over the country to watch her play and have become very close to the head coach, "Marla," and her family.

I recently learned through another parent that Bill dated Marla for three years prior to us getting married. This parent informed me the relationship between Bill and Marla was so serious they had discussed marriage.

When I heard it, I was very upset. I couldn't understand why my husband would keep that information from me all this time. When I asked him, he said it was true, but he hadn't felt it had been necessary to tell me.

Bill hasn't always been the greatest communicator, but I think this has crossed the line. I feel I have been misled and lied to. He acted as if he had never even met her. It makes me wonder how many other secrets he's hiding from me.

I'm having a hard time trusting him now, and I feel there's something seriously wrong with our relationship. I'm also uncomfortable around Marla and her family. I wonder if her husband knows about their relationship. Do I have the right to be upset about this situation? -- KEPT IN THE DARK

DEAR KEPT: You have the right to be upset -- and angry -- about the deception. If you want to know if Marla's husband knows what went on between her and your husband, ask her. Perhaps she can fill you in on what else your husband "forgot" to mention.

Bill appears to have a large character flaw, and the two of you appear to have a serious communication problem. Before this damages your marriage further, you and Bill should schedule some sessions with a licensed marriage and family therapist. If he stonewalls or refuses to go with you, go without him.

DEAR ABBY: My aunt and uncle from another state still send me a birthday check every year for my birthday, which is generous and thoughtful of them. While the sum is not large, I feel it is not necessary, and it makes me uncomfortable. I'm in my late 20s now and have a good job with a good income.

How do I politely tell them that while I appreciate their kindness, it is not necessary to send their adult niece a check every year? I'm not particularly close with them and am afraid of offending. -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: From your description of your aunt and uncle, they are thoughtful, caring people, so when you talk to them, express your gratitude for their generosity. Then suggest that because you are now an adult, with a good job and a good income, you think it might be time to consider exchanging only greeting cards on special occasions. Of course, this means you will be sending them cards for their birthdays, anniversary and Christmas, if you don't already do it.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter has decided to leave her husband. They have been married for 20 years. She says she hasn't been happy for several years and that it's time to take care of herself. She won't be able to support herself and the children, but she doesn't seem able to grasp that reality. When I voice my concerns, she gets angry with me. She's determined to go forward with this separation and says her kids will be "fine." I say that's bull! She has also embraced an exercise and eating plan that seems radical to me and has a life coach who is also a psychic. I think she's having a midlife crisis.

If it weren't for what this is going to do to my grandchildren, I'd keep my mouth shut, but I'm sick with worry. Her siblings think she has lost her mind, so she has pretty much cut herself off from the family. When she became frustrated because she wasn't able to qualify for a house she wanted to rent, she lashed out at me. I'm waiting for an apology, but I'm realistic that I'll probably never get one. I feel like I'm in mourning over the loss of this child. What do I do? -- SHAKEN UP IN TEXAS

DEAR SHAKEN UP: Your daughter is an adult. By now you must have realized you can no longer control her behavior. For the sake of your own mental health, accept that she's going to make her own mistakes. Do not accept financial responsibility for your daughter. Be as supportive of your grandchildren as you can be, because at some point you may have to take them in.

As for her "psychic life coach," you should know that unlike physicians, psychologists and social workers, life coaches do not belong to any organization that requires them to adhere to ethical standards. Your daughter should be made aware that there may be some risk involved in placing her future in that person's hands.

DEAR ABBY: A dear friend and I decided to visit our old friend, "Carol," who has been in an assisted living facility for a year. Carol has some dementia, but we took her -- arm in arm -- to a pizza restaurant at our mall. After we were seated and browsing the menu, a very handsome gentleman approached our table. He said we reminded him of his mother and insisted on treating us to dinner. We thanked him, he laid down a $100 bill and disappeared. We enjoyed a great dinner and left the change ($35) for the server. We would like to thank that nice gentleman again. He made our day. -- GRATEFUL IN GEORGIA

DEAR GRATEFUL: Your letter made my day. Occasionally, I print letters about acts of kindness, and yours definitely qualifies. You and your friend were performing a good deed by taking your friend for lunch, and it was paid forward in record time. It's nice knowing there are good people out there. Thank you for sharing.

DEAR ABBY: About 20 months ago, after I found out I was pregnant, I was abandoned by the father of my child. My mother had passed away a month before. So I was grieving, shocked to discover I was pregnant and devastated when I was left for another woman. I went through my pregnancy alone, gave birth alone and am now a single mother.

While my child and I are blessed -- I have a good job, Momma left me some money that has helped me buy a home, and my friends are supportive -- my heart is broken.

My son's father pays child support, but his priority is the woman he left us for. Everyone tells me I need to be the bigger person, accept the situation and give my son a chance to know his father. I understand all of that, but I am so angry. I feel rejected and debased. I cry all the time. I try to keep a positive face for my son, but sometimes I break down. My son's father and his lady make fun of me and flaunt how happy they are together while I am alone raising my child. The woman enjoys pointing out how hard I have it and how alone I am.

My son is my joy and I love him dearly, but why am I not allowed to be angry at his father and that woman? Why must I be the one who accepts the hurt and difficulty, while my son's father and his lady have their cake and eat it, too? I would really appreciate your thoughts. -- HURT MOMMA IN THE EAST

DEAR HURT MOMMA: While you have every right to be angry, has it occurred to you that you may not only be grieving for your mother, but possibly be suffering from postpartum depression as well? Discuss this with your doctor and ask to have your hormone levels checked. It might also benefit you to join a grief support group.

Your ex-boyfriend and his "lady" may appear to have their cake and eat it, too, but it's not true. They have each other, and both of them appear to be miserable people. For the sake of yourself and your son, please stop allowing them to make you miserable, too. You have your beautiful child, and endless possibilities lie ahead if you will open yourself to them. If necessary, find a licensed therapist to help you let go of the negative and get your priorities straight again. Once you succeed in doing this, you'll be fine.

DEAR ABBY: We used to display a wide variety of family pictures on our living room walls. Before repainting, we took them down. Because some of them include our children's former and current relationships, we can't decide which ones we can comfortably "redisplay" without offending anybody.

We have remained on good terms with former in-laws and the children from prior relationships, but the "new" and the "old" never speak of each other, much less enjoy seeing pictorial reminders hanging in our home. Some of our grandchildren are blood relatives; others are not. Our children have moved on to other relationships. This is our home, but we don't want to offend any of the people we welcome into it. Any advice? -- PICTURING IT IN ARIZONA

DEAR PICTURING IT: You are a sweet and sensitive person. Talk to your children. Ask how they and their children would feel if you "edit" the collection, and which ones they would prefer you retire. And be sure to offer the outtakes to them rather than toss them.