life

Jealousy, Misunderstanding Chip Away at Relationship

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 11th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I love each other very much. But we are both so jealous we fight every day. The only time we get along is during sex and right after.

Recently, he found an email I had written when we first got together in reply to a message I had received about becoming an escort. I didn't follow through with it, and I have never cheated. I was broke at the time, and he had just been sent back to prison. I didn't know what to do.

How can I earn his trust and keep our relationship from becoming toxic? -- TRYING TO MAKE IT WORK

DEAR TRYING: If the only time you and your boyfriend get along is during sex or right after, your relationship is already toxic. Rather than fight and accuse each other of infidelity every day, couples in healthy relationships build each other up and support one another. Total honesty between partners is essential. If he can't believe what you tell him, there can be no love, because there is no trust.

Love & DatingSex & GenderMoney
life

Depression Drives Teen to Thoughts of Suicide

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 11th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl and I hate my family. I have had an eating disorder for three years, and my parents haven't noticed. (It doesn't show because I'm regular-sized.) I think my parents hate me. They try to stuff me into a mannequin shell that doesn't fit. It's like I am a doll and not a person. I don't know what to do, and I am suicidal. But when I think about all the ambitions I have, I'm able to withstand another day, even though it is hard. Please help me. -- DEPRESSED TEEN IN WASHINGTON

DEAR TEEN: Because you feel your parents may not take you seriously, be brave and tell a trusted teacher or counselor at school everything you have written to me, including your thoughts of suicide. Eating disorders can be very serious, and they are not always obvious. Because your feelings of depression are so strong that you sometimes feel you can't go on, you need more help than an advice columnist can give you in a letter. Please don't wait, and please let me hear from you again.

TeensMental Health
life

Pet Owners Test the Limits of Bringing Dogs With Them Everywhere

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 11th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: When did it become someone's right to walk into a business with a pet? People walk in and never ask. Some of those animals hike their leg, and their owners giggle and never offer an apology or to clean it up. Dogs have jumped up on other customers while their owners stood there and said, "Don't worry. He won't bite." The last customer came in with a full-grown German shepherd!

I've gone through training on service animals, and these are definitely not service animals. What happened to common courtesies? -- TAKEN ABACK IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR TAKEN ABACK: The demise of common courtesies happened right around the time when people began believing they were the exception to the rules. When ADA legislation was passed, it was so that people with disabilities would have access to things that able-bodied people take for granted. What you are experiencing is an abuse of that law by dishonest, uncaring individuals who have no sense of shame.

Etiquette & Ethics
life

Daughter Tired of Indulging Mom's Proselytizing Friend

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 10th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: There's this woman I've known since I was a child. She's a Jehovah's Witness I'll call Beatrice. She comes by my house every so often to share pamphlets and talk about her religion. She is a casual friend of my mother's (who I live with), so I feel I have to let her inside when she's at the door. If it were anyone else, I'd say a polite "No, thank you, goodbye," and shut the door. But because it's Beatrice, I'm roped into listening to her spiel.

More often than not, Mom's not even home when Beatrice comes over with her pamphlets because they work similar hours. And each time, I find myself trapped into listening to her jabber away while I politely smile and nod.

Not only am I non-religious, but I am a member of the LGBTQ community, and I know for a fact that Beatrice shunned a family member after he came out as gay.

I don't want to keep pretending I'm interested in listening to her script, or even talking to her in general, but I also don't want to ruin my mother's friendship with her by offending her by being honest.

Is there a polite way to tell Beatrice that, with all due respect, I don't want to hear about her pamphlets, and she should come by to discuss them only when my mom's home? Or must I just continue to smile and nod politely like I always do? -- NOT INTERESTED IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR NOT INTERESTED: No rule of etiquette demands that you listen to Beatrice's religious diatribes. All you need to say to her is, "My mother isn't home, and I'm not interested in taking your pamphlets or hearing you preach. Because you're a friend of Mom's, come back when Mom is home, and be sure to call first."

Friends & NeighborsEtiquette & Ethics
life

'Gift' of a Cruise Puts Friend in Troubled Financial Water

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 10th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am really upset about something my best friend did involving a cruise that's planned for next February. Because of financial setbacks, we can no longer afford the trip. She went ahead and paid for our cruise. I was so upset I called the travel agent and tried to cancel the trip but was informed it was nonrefundable. So now we are locked into a cruise that's still going to cost us $1,500 or more in other expenses while we are on the cruise.

I like to pay my own way and have never asked anyone for help or money. She said it was "a gift, not a loan" and I was being ungrateful, so I finally accepted the "gift." Now I'm going to have this hanging over my head. It's putting us in more financial trouble, so we are trying to get a loan to cover the extra expenses. I don't think I can enjoy the trip now.

Am I ungrateful? She's been my best friend for more than 40 years and I don't want this to affect our friendship. What should I do at this point? -- EXPENSIVE "GIFT" IN THE WEST

DEAR EXPENSIVE "GIFT": Your generous friend acted on impulse, without considering the fact that even with her paying your fare, the cruise would still cost you money. Forgive her for her mistake, take the trip and do your best to enjoy it so you don't ruin the trip for her.

Friends & NeighborsMoney
life

Daughter's Bratty Behavior Drives Her Mother to Tears

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 9th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I recently traveled to Germany to help my 19-year-old daughter settle in for her semester of study abroad. I was in tears the entire trip home, not because I was sad to leave her, but because she kept lashing out at me for anything from using a cotton swab to following proper directions exiting the train, to asking simple -- but, in her mind, ridiculous -- questions. This is not new behavior. Her brother has also observed her overreactive behavior to minor things.

I treated her and her roommate to dinners out and stocked her apartment with groceries, in addition to making significant financial contributions toward her tuition. I'm also splitting the cost of her monthly rent with her dad.

I feel hurt, like she regards me as only an ATM. She wouldn't even let me use her European electrical adapter to charge my phone before leaving for the airport.

Should I convey how hurt I feel and, if so, what are your suggestions? I feel if I have a phone conversation, she will sigh, tell me she doesn't have time for this or accuse me of being a killjoy. If I put it in a letter, I'll feel like a coward, but it will allow me to express my feelings without interruption or protest. -- UNAPPRECIATED IN VERMONT

DEAR UNAPPRECIATED: Frankly, I'm surprised you weren't crying because you recognized your part in creating the self-entitled monster your daughter has become. You should have put a stop to it when she first started "overreacting" with rude, insensitive and ungrateful behavior.

By all means write her a letter, and when you do, tell her she behaved shamefully, it was hurtful, and that you will no longer tolerate it. Be sure she understands she will not get another penny until you receive an apology and assurances that you won't be subjected to that kind of abuse again. Continue practicing tough love until you see real changes in your daughter's attitude. It's the only kind of language she will understand.

Family & ParentingMoney
life

Man Is Troubled by Wife's Fond Memories of Former Husband

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 9th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: After 23 years together, my wife, after spending time with her grown children, brought home photos of her deceased former husband. The photos that bother me are the ones in which they are holding hands. He was the stepfather to her now-middle-aged children. They had 19 years together, and he had a daughter who became my wife's stepdaughter.

The stepdaughter posted on social media that she missed her dad. My wife expressed the same feelings and said she thinks about him, too. When my wife posted those sentiments on the internet, everyone could read it. Those pictures and feelings bother me. Am I wrong for being angry about this? -- UPSET IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR UPSET: It's time to grow up and accept that your wife was married -- I presume happily -- before her former husband's death. If you want a healthy marriage, stop competing with a dead man. For her to express solidarity with her former stepdaughter was no reflection on her love for or her marriage to you. Your feelings are not all that unusual, but you are wrong to be angry. If you need reassurance, ask your wife for it, and I'm sure she'll give it to you. Because she once loved another man doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

Marriage & DivorceDeath
life

Rosh Hashana

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 9th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

TO MY JEWISH READERS: At sundown tonight, Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year, begins. At this time of solemn introspection, I would like to wish you all "L'shana tova tikatevu" -- may you be inscribed in the Book of Life and have a good year.

Holidays & Celebrations

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