DEAR ABBY: My wife and I know a couple whose daughter has been our daughter's playmate since they were 3 months old. They are pleasant and welcoming. We all get along well and have gone to dinner, ball games and musicals together. However, when we go to their home for a gathering, the father will slip off with a few of his old friends and smoke pot on the back porch while the kids are playing inside. It's their home, and marijuana is legal in our state.

Their daughter's 4th birthday party took place last weekend, and once again, with numerous children running around, they slipped out for a toke before the cake was served. This may seem prudish, but I don't want my daughter in a situation where she might be exposed to this, or think that we think smoking marijuana is perfectly normal.

I enjoy spending time with this family, but I don't think I want to visit their home if this is what I can expect. What should we do? -- MYSTIFIED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR MYSTIFIED: Because you prefer your little girl not be exposed to the kind of behavior you have observed in this couple's home, call a halt to her going there to play. Invite the other child to your home instead. If your friends ask why, explain it just as you explained it to me.

As parents, it's your job to protect her from influences you feel are not healthy or appropriate for her. Because pot is legal in your state, this will be something you may have to revisit again in the future.

DEAR ABBY: "Fred" and I have been in a relationship for 10 years. During that time he has broken up with me six times. It's always over something trivial, and it's always my job to smooth things over and get us back together.

When we are together we have a good time, but I never know when the next breakup will happen. I love Fred, and he claims to love me. What's your opinion of a man who constantly does this? -- PERPLEXED WIDOW IN FLORIDA

DEAR PERPLEXED: Fred may love you, but his definition of love and yours are different. He may be afraid of intimacy or not want to marry you -- which is why he breaks up with you when he feels you are getting too close.

If all you want is a good time, and you're willing to do all the work in the relationship, this may be enough for you. However, if it isn't, then 10 years is more than enough time to invest in someone who treats you the way Fred does.

DEAR ABBY: About five years ago, a co-worker married a woman with four kids. Now, all he does is talk about one of the kids or his wife. He tells anyone who will listen about them -- even total strangers.

When I pointed out to him a couple of years ago that he was constantly talking about one of the kids, he stopped for a week, and then started talking about another one. Lately it has been all about his wife. I'm sick of it. How do I tell him we're all fed up without damaging a 30-year friendship? -- STUMPED IN KENTUCKY

DEAR STUMPED: You can't. Obviously, the man's wife and children are the center of his life, and he may not have much else to talk about. Be grateful it isn't politics.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 23 years. A month ago, he slept with my daughter's best friend.

As soon as it happened, he told me what he'd done. He said he felt like I didn't love him anymore and admitted he made a mistake. I can tell he truly feels ashamed. Nonetheless I am hurting, confused, angry, and I can't stop having visions of the two of them together.

We are trying to make our marriage work. I love him, and I can't picture my life without him, but I can't stop torturing myself. I have to let this go if our marriage is going to work. Do you have any suggestions to help me with this? -- TORTURING MYSELF IN ALABAMA

DEAR TORTURING YOURSELF: Yes, I do have one. But before I offer it, let me point out that all of the emotions you are feeling are normal under the circumstances. Because you want to make your marriage work, with the help of a licensed marriage and family counselor, you and your husband should analyze what led to his infidelity. Your doctor should be able to refer you at the same time he or she gives you both the results of your STD examinations.

DEAR ABBY: We are good friends with a couple who have taken two very nice vacations a year for the last several years. We are all in our late 60s.

When they book their trips, they intentionally fail to include ground transportation to and from the airport. They rely on having friends take them. The airport is about 45 minutes from where we live. They never offer to cover gas or parking for the trips. I feel it's inconsiderate and poor manners. The wife is a very good friend. Her husband books the vacations, and she has to do the "begging."

My husband and I take a limo to the airport. None of us lack the money for vacations. We now just make excuses to not accommodate them. I would appreciate your opinion. Should we just tell them the truth? -- AGGRAVATED IN ATLANTA

DEAR AGGRAVATED: By all means tell your close friend the truth. And when you do, pass along the name and number of the limo company you use.

DEAR ABBY: My wife passed away six years ago. I have finally reached a point where I'm ready to not be alone anymore. The problem is I'm interested in one of her sisters. I love and care for the whole family, and it would devastate me to lose them by revealing it. Am I way off base to even think of pursuing it? Should I drop it or talk with her to find out her thoughts? Maybe I shouldn't try because it's not "normal," but I am interested in the possibility. -- FORBIDDEN LOVE IN TEXAS

DEAR FORBIDDEN LOVE: This situation isn't as unusual as you may think. In biblical times, when a woman lost her husband, it was expected that his brother would marry her. If your late wife's sister is single, tell her how you feel. You have known her long enough that those feelings may or may not be mutual -- but no law says you can't find out.

DEAR ABBY: I have reached a crossroads with my career. I used to love my job. I play an important role at my company, and I'm good at what I do. Long term, it provides job security. However, the pay is subpar, and my recent request for a raise was denied. I haven't received a raise in several years. I couldn't get a straight answer about the denial. I was told it wasn't my work performance.

I have started looking elsewhere, and I have several interviews scheduled. All of them will give me a $15,000-per-year salary increase over what I currently make for doing what I do. I wasn't asking that much for a raise, not even close.

But what makes this difficult is my co-workers. They are devastated at the thought of me leaving. One of them, someone I'm fairly close to, was so angry he went to our boss himself without my knowledge. I don't know what he said, but he got me a raise, albeit a very small one.

However, my heart is set on leaving. While I appreciate his going out on a limb for me, I now feel "obligated" to stay. Abby, I'm having a hard time with this. Can you help? -- MOVING ON IN THE EAST

DEAR MOVING ON: Have a private conversation with the friend who went to bat for you. Tell him you appreciate what he did, but when your boss refused the raise you asked for -- after several years of no increase at all -- you realized you were no longer valued by the company. Explain that when you went job-hunting you were offered far more than you have been earning, and this will be a step up for you. It doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship with him or the others who care about you. It might stimulate him to go job-hunting, too.

DEAR ABBY: Years ago I was sexually assaulted by a friend of a friend. I'll call the man Pete and the friend Katie. I immediately told Katie about it, and we didn't hang out with Pete much after that. Life went on, and I forgot about it.

I recently learned that Katie is engaged to Pete now. They are living in another state, and she asked for my address so she can send me an invitation to their wedding. I'm not planning on attending, but how should I tell her I'm not coming? We haven't been close in years, but she was a bridesmaid in my wedding. Should I just send the RSVP card back with a "no," or should I let her know upfront? -- CAUGHT OFF GUARD IN VIRGINIA

DEAR CAUGHT: I assume that after Katie marries the "friend" who sexually assaulted you, your relationship will be over. While you may have repressed the memory until now, I find it hard to believe that all three of you had an attack of amnesia. There's no need to contact her at this point to remind her of what her fiance is capable of. Just say no. If she contacts you to ask why, explain it to her then.