DEAR ABBY: Years ago, I bought a beautiful little cottage in the North Carolina mountains as a second home. I feel very lucky to be able to afford such a luxury and have always been generous, sharing it with family and friends. However, it has reached the point where people constantly ask to use it.

Abby, my guests have left holes in cushions, bubble gum on couches and someone's child even peed in the bed. Only once in 10 years was I left with a thank-you note and a gift card to a local store. Most of the time I find a bottle of cheap wine. (I don't drink.)

How can I stop this? I'm being taken advantage of. I know I'm partly at fault for being so generous. This cottage was bought for me, my children and grandchildren to enjoy. -- TOO GENEROUS

DEAR TOO GENEROUS: People can be taken advantage of only if they allow it. You need to learn to say no. And when (not if) you are asked why you no longer allow friends and family to use the cottage in your absence, tell the individuals exactly what you have told me about your reasons.

DEAR ABBY: How do you deal with having a mental disorder? I have quite a few, and I wish I didn't. At work, I feel inadequate because I'm a few steps behind everyone mentally, emotionally and socially. At home I feel the same way. The meds I take help, but I still feel inadequate.

Abby, how do I deal with these feelings? I rarely talk to my dad about it. I find more comfort in putting my feelings down on paper than talking about them with my dad. What should I do? -- FRUSTRATED GIRL IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: One way to deal with your feelings would be to remember that everyone -- not just you -- has challenges. Some people find it helpful to talk about their feelings with others who are fighting similar battles. You might feel better if you find a support group to join so you won't feel so isolated. To locate one, you and your dad should contact NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. Its website is nami.org, and the toll-free helpline to call is (800) 950-6264.

DEAR ABBY: My question has to do with a present I bought for a friend's birthday. It was a gift certificate for a spa. Unfortunately, when she went to use it, the doors were locked and the place had shut down. I was very upset and embarrassed. Should I have replaced it even though I didn't have the money? -- UPSET AND EMBARRASSED

DEAR UPSET: You bought the gift certificate in good faith. It wasn't your fault that the spa went out of business, and you shouldn't feel guilty.

I do not think people should spend money they don't have, and you shouldn't feel obligated to do so. Explore any possible recourse for getting reimbursement for the gift certificate. If you paid for it with a credit card, your provider may credit you back the money.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 25 years and have three adult children who no longer live with us. We are religious and belong to a conservative church.

We have a satisfying sex life. About 15 years ago we started using graphic language during our lovemaking. We find it exhilarates and enhances our experience. We do not call each other names; we use graphic words to express how good we feel during the act. The excitement I feel from this is cheaper than Viagra.

Is what we are doing wrong? We are empty nesters. I worry about what would happen if our closest religious friends knew. Would they feel the same way toward us? I believe words become wrong when they are used for the wrong motive. When I use them with my wife for better sex, my motive is pure. Do you think other religious couples enjoy this activity? -- BEDROOM SECRET IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR SECRET: Unless your religious friends have a hidden listening device in your bedroom, your worries are groundless. What happens in the bedroom between two adults -- as long as it is consensual and hurts neither one -- is OK and nobody else's business. As to whether other religious married couples do something similar to what you and your wife are doing, I think the odds are pretty good they are doing that and more.

DEAR ABBY: My younger brother has been with his girlfriend for three years off and on. He's 22; she's 19. He joined the Army during one of their breakups. (Being in the military was something he had wanted to do since he could talk.)

When he was away, she mentally abused him because she "doesn't trust other people." My brother has told me he's only with her because she has nobody else. (She comes from a dysfunctional family.) She doesn't allow him to have any kind of social life when she's not around.

She's now pregnant with what we believe is not my brother's child, given they had broken up and the day they got back together, BAM! she's pregnant. I know it takes only one time, but the dates really don't add up.

This is affecting his relationship with our family and his lifelong buddies. He's my only brother, and I don't want to just flush our relationship as siblings, but I'm exhausted. What do I do? -- TIRED IN THE EAST

DEAR TIRED: Your family should talk to your brother as a group and discuss your concerns. His girlfriend is immature, insecure and controlling. He will be under her thumb for a lifetime if they marry. Ask him to clarify how honest he was when he said he was with her only because she had no one else.

He may be so physically attracted to her he can't think straight, which is why he seems to be willing to accept her manipulation and control. He should not support the baby without first talking to an attorney and insisting on a paternity test.

DEAR ABBY: I come from a small, close family. Last year, we suffered a devastating loss. My cousin and her two children were killed in a car accident. We have all been profoundly affected by this loss, especially my aunt and uncle.

Fast forward: Another cousin is pregnant with her second child. She wants to name her daughter "Daisy" because she wants all her children to have flower-themed names. "Daisy" is the name of one of the children who died. I, and others in the family, are upset by her decision because her reason for choosing the name has nothing to do with honoring our lost family member.

I understand no one "owns" a baby name, and she can choose whatever name she wants for any reason. But I am having trouble getting past the fact that I'll see this child at family gatherings and have to call her by my dead cousin's name for no reason other than it was a cute flower name.

My cousin is set on using this name despite family protests, and I can't help but foresee bitterness ahead for us when we've already dealt with so much. What, if anything, can we do to make this situation more positive? -- NAME GAME IN NEW YORK

DEAR NAME GAME: Your cousin appears to have the empathy of a garden snail. Did it occur to anyone in the family to suggest to her that there are other flower names besides Daisy -- Dalia, Daphne or even Desert Rose? (Her nickname could be "Desi," which is cute.) If you haven't, please do before the baby arrives. However, if she refuses to change her mind, it's time for you to start memorizing the Serenity Prayer.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 22 years. He's a diamond in the rough. My grown children, three boys, have always just tolerated him. They say he talks too much, doesn't listen and still treats the younger two like children. I know he can be overbearing at times.

They have now ganged up and will no longer allow the grandchildren to come stay with me. They say my husband is too harsh in correcting them, which isn't true. The only time he is loud and fast to correct is if the parents aren't here to do it. They have offered no alternative solution.

Two have expressed to my husband how they feel. My husband is trying to acknowledge their feelings and wants to do better. How do we proceed as a family? I'm afraid they will withhold the grands each time they disagree with us. Counseling is out since we live in separate cities. Any words of wisdom for us? -- HURTING HEART IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR HURTING HEART: Look at this from your sons' perspective. When they hear from your grandchildren that your grouchy (but well-meaning) husband yelled at them, as parents, their first instinct is to protect their kids.

I can't guarantee that your sons won't use emotional blackmail in the future, but I can offer two suggestions: Your husband should take a deep breath and count to 10 before he reacts, and he should defer the discipline to Grandma. And if that isn't enough to satisfy your sons, then you will have to visit them instead of having them visit you.