life

Friend Lends Her Wedding Dress but Isn't Invited to Wedding

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 11th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My co-worker and supposed friend asked if she could borrow my wedding dress because she thought it was so beautiful. I was thrilled to lend it to her and paid for the alterations ($200 plus) as her wedding present. I accompanied her to her fittings and helped her plan her wedding for approximately 100 friends and family.

The kicker: My husband and I were not invited to the wedding, and when she returned my gown, it had lipstick on it and cake down the front. It wasn't even in a bag -- she just handed it to me. What should I think about this? -- FLABBERGASTED IN FLORIDA

DEAR FLABBERGASTED: You should conclude that your co-worker and "friend" is someone with no class whatsoever. Have the dress cleaned and packaged so it can be properly stored if you intend to keep it, and give her the bill. Then distance yourself far enough from this person that if she asks for any more favors, you can comfortably say no.

MoneyFriends & NeighborsHolidays & Celebrations
life

Boyfriend Can't Get Girl to See Herself Through His Eyes

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 11th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend, who lives in her native Germany, for almost two years. We met online thanks to a mutual online friend of mine and school friend of hers.

My girlfriend struggles with her body image, and I'm not sure how to help other than call her beautiful often. She's thin and looks fine by "American standards," as she puts it, but for a German she is larger than most, which is why she thinks she's fat and ugly, despite the fact that she's slim and pretty. What would you suggest I do in order to help her improve her body image? -- SUPPORTIVE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR SUPPORTIVE: Other than continuing to reassure her that in your eyes she's beautiful, there isn't much you can do long-distance. However, there is plenty she can do. She should discuss her fixation with a doctor who can explain what a healthy weight should be for someone her height and build. If her problem is all in her head, it's possible she needs counseling for body dysmorphia, a disorder in which people of normal weight are convinced they are heavy. It's not uncommon.

Mental HealthHealth & SafetyLove & Dating
life

Plan to Keep Husband's Name Changes After Divorce Turns Ugly

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 11th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am going through a rough divorce. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say, I had to get an order of protection against my soon-to-be ex.

I originally intended to keep my husband's last name because we have a child together and I want my last name to be the same as my child's. The thing is, Abby, I'm so disgusted with his behavior that the thought of keeping his last name makes me sick to my stomach. What should I do? -- SINGLE SOON IN OHIO

DEAR SINGLE SOON: Many parents have different names than their children. If keeping your almost-ex-husband's last name makes you sick to your stomach now, in a few years you may have a major case of indigestion. Change your name when the divorce is final because the longer you wait to do it, the more complicated it may become.

Marriage & Divorce
life

One-Way Friendship Ends, But Feelings of Guilt Remain

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 10th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My "friend" from childhood, "Camille," has never had my back. I have done the heavy lifting in our friendship our whole lives.

While I was on vacation two years ago, she was diagnosed with cancer. I came home immediately and drove to the hospital at 1 a.m. to be by her side. I've always been by Camille's side for everything, even though she hasn't been there for me. I told her that several times, to no avail.

I went to every chemo and doctor appointment, and was there every day to rub her feet to make her feel better. I threw her a party for 100 people to "kick cancer's butt," took her on a vacation -- it goes on and on.

I ended the one-sided friendship last year. My problem is, I feel guilty for doing it. I feel I left her with cancer. But I also feel that because someone is sick doesn't give them the right to be abusive or inconsiderate. Camille hasn't tried to contact me, either. In fact, she has told others that she will never speak to me again.

I bent over backward for her, but if some other person sent a card, she would make a big deal out of it. I'm deeply hurt and don't know how to move on. Help! -- WOUNDED ON THE EAST COAST

DEAR WOUNDED: One way to stop feeling guilty and get on with your life would be to acknowledge in your head and your heart that the relationship with Camille was not a healthy one for you. In fact, from the way you have described it, it was more like a bad habit.

Bad habits can be difficult to break, but many people have been able to accomplish it by replacing a bad habit with a good one. Example: Instead of feeling guilty for not rubbing Camille's feet, consider getting a pedicure for yourself. Although it might seem expensive, it would be cheaper than talking to a therapist.

Friends & Neighbors
life

Dad's Second Wife Is Left Out of Memorial to Idyllic Childhood

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 10th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My siblings and I, all born in the '50s in a small town, have fond memories of our childhood. After our mother died in 1989, our father married "Sylvia," a new arrival in town. They lived together in our childhood home until his death in 2016.

We "kids" wanted to honor our parents and our fond childhood memories. We endowed a plaque for the town park dedicated to their memory and noting they had raised a family in that community. Sylvia is now grievously offended and furious that she was not included.

Abby, Sylvia came on the scene long after we were raised and gone. She's not our parent and played no part in the memories we wanted to honor. Although Sylvia was a good wife to our dad, she did her best to erase all traces of our mother from Dad's memory and from his home. Were we wrong? She has rebuffed our attempts to explain our benign motivations. -- CONFUSED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR CONFUSED: You weren't wrong, but it would have been better had you discussed your plans for the plaque with Sylvia before donating it. That way, you would have been able to explain to her the reason why she wouldn't be on it. She may still be grieving the loss of your father, so try to understand her feelings.

And by the way, it is not unusual -- or out of line -- for a second wife to make her husband's home "her own," so don't hold it against her.

DeathFamily & Parenting
life

Mom Charges Daughter-in-Law Rent Even After the Wedding

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 9th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law owns the building my husband and I live in. I moved in with him about a year ago, before we were married. Because she owns the building, she doesn't charge her son rent to live there but asks that he help manage the building, which takes about three hours a month. (He has a full-time job outside of managing the building.)

When I moved in, his mom asked that I pay rent. I guess in the back of my mind I thought it would change after we got married. Do you think I'm a brat for thinking I shouldn't have to pay rent? The amount she's charging me is about what I would pay if we lived in another building and split the rent between us.

I don't know how to approach this, or if I'd be stepping out of line to request living somewhere rent-free. Please help. -- RENT-FREE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR RENT-FREE: You are being treated like a tenant, not a daughter-in-law. As a member of the family, you should be treated the same as her son. By all means discuss this with him, and while you're at it, suggest he split your share of the rent 50/50 because you are all family now.

MoneyFamily & Parenting
life

Hard-to-Please Daughter Makes Birthdays a Chore

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 9th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My 30-year-old daughter has extremely high expectations for her birthday. No one in the family has ever given her a gift that she liked, so now we actually have to get the gift approved by her husband first!

She doesn't like gift cards, and our budget is small. Although she barely acknowledges anyone else's birthday, she still expects the "perfect" present for her own. We love her and want to celebrate with her, but the expectations and confrontations make her birthdays miserable for everyone -- including her. How do we stop this? -- BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION

DEAR BIRTHDAY: Who created this self-entitled monster? Remind your daughter and her husband that you are all adults now, and because of that, "the family" has decided from now on to mark milestones with greeting cards instead of gifts. Period. If you want to celebrate with her in addition, fine, but her behavior "takes the cake."

MoneyHolidays & CelebrationsFamily & Parenting
life

Office Worker Is Tempted to Fix Misspelled Emails

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 9th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am wondering about current etiquette concerning work emails. I work in the office of a financial institution and receive multiple emails from customers and fellow employees every day. Our e-mail system recognizes when a word is spelled incorrectly. If I receive an email that has a misspelled word in it and I must reply to it, is it rude to correct the other person's spelling error? -- UNSURE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR UNSURE: If you do what you are contemplating, the recipient may find it insulting, so I don't recommend it. However well-intentioned, it could lose the company a client or annoy your co-workers.

Etiquette & EthicsWork & School

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