life

One-Way Friendship Ends, But Feelings of Guilt Remain

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 10th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My "friend" from childhood, "Camille," has never had my back. I have done the heavy lifting in our friendship our whole lives.

While I was on vacation two years ago, she was diagnosed with cancer. I came home immediately and drove to the hospital at 1 a.m. to be by her side. I've always been by Camille's side for everything, even though she hasn't been there for me. I told her that several times, to no avail.

I went to every chemo and doctor appointment, and was there every day to rub her feet to make her feel better. I threw her a party for 100 people to "kick cancer's butt," took her on a vacation -- it goes on and on.

I ended the one-sided friendship last year. My problem is, I feel guilty for doing it. I feel I left her with cancer. But I also feel that because someone is sick doesn't give them the right to be abusive or inconsiderate. Camille hasn't tried to contact me, either. In fact, she has told others that she will never speak to me again.

I bent over backward for her, but if some other person sent a card, she would make a big deal out of it. I'm deeply hurt and don't know how to move on. Help! -- WOUNDED ON THE EAST COAST

DEAR WOUNDED: One way to stop feeling guilty and get on with your life would be to acknowledge in your head and your heart that the relationship with Camille was not a healthy one for you. In fact, from the way you have described it, it was more like a bad habit.

Bad habits can be difficult to break, but many people have been able to accomplish it by replacing a bad habit with a good one. Example: Instead of feeling guilty for not rubbing Camille's feet, consider getting a pedicure for yourself. Although it might seem expensive, it would be cheaper than talking to a therapist.

Friends & Neighbors
life

Dad's Second Wife Is Left Out of Memorial to Idyllic Childhood

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 10th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My siblings and I, all born in the '50s in a small town, have fond memories of our childhood. After our mother died in 1989, our father married "Sylvia," a new arrival in town. They lived together in our childhood home until his death in 2016.

We "kids" wanted to honor our parents and our fond childhood memories. We endowed a plaque for the town park dedicated to their memory and noting they had raised a family in that community. Sylvia is now grievously offended and furious that she was not included.

Abby, Sylvia came on the scene long after we were raised and gone. She's not our parent and played no part in the memories we wanted to honor. Although Sylvia was a good wife to our dad, she did her best to erase all traces of our mother from Dad's memory and from his home. Were we wrong? She has rebuffed our attempts to explain our benign motivations. -- CONFUSED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR CONFUSED: You weren't wrong, but it would have been better had you discussed your plans for the plaque with Sylvia before donating it. That way, you would have been able to explain to her the reason why she wouldn't be on it. She may still be grieving the loss of your father, so try to understand her feelings.

And by the way, it is not unusual -- or out of line -- for a second wife to make her husband's home "her own," so don't hold it against her.

DeathFamily & Parenting
life

Mom Charges Daughter-in-Law Rent Even After the Wedding

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 9th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law owns the building my husband and I live in. I moved in with him about a year ago, before we were married. Because she owns the building, she doesn't charge her son rent to live there but asks that he help manage the building, which takes about three hours a month. (He has a full-time job outside of managing the building.)

When I moved in, his mom asked that I pay rent. I guess in the back of my mind I thought it would change after we got married. Do you think I'm a brat for thinking I shouldn't have to pay rent? The amount she's charging me is about what I would pay if we lived in another building and split the rent between us.

I don't know how to approach this, or if I'd be stepping out of line to request living somewhere rent-free. Please help. -- RENT-FREE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR RENT-FREE: You are being treated like a tenant, not a daughter-in-law. As a member of the family, you should be treated the same as her son. By all means discuss this with him, and while you're at it, suggest he split your share of the rent 50/50 because you are all family now.

MoneyFamily & Parenting
life

Hard-to-Please Daughter Makes Birthdays a Chore

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 9th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My 30-year-old daughter has extremely high expectations for her birthday. No one in the family has ever given her a gift that she liked, so now we actually have to get the gift approved by her husband first!

She doesn't like gift cards, and our budget is small. Although she barely acknowledges anyone else's birthday, she still expects the "perfect" present for her own. We love her and want to celebrate with her, but the expectations and confrontations make her birthdays miserable for everyone -- including her. How do we stop this? -- BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION

DEAR BIRTHDAY: Who created this self-entitled monster? Remind your daughter and her husband that you are all adults now, and because of that, "the family" has decided from now on to mark milestones with greeting cards instead of gifts. Period. If you want to celebrate with her in addition, fine, but her behavior "takes the cake."

MoneyHolidays & CelebrationsFamily & Parenting
life

Office Worker Is Tempted to Fix Misspelled Emails

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 9th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am wondering about current etiquette concerning work emails. I work in the office of a financial institution and receive multiple emails from customers and fellow employees every day. Our e-mail system recognizes when a word is spelled incorrectly. If I receive an email that has a misspelled word in it and I must reply to it, is it rude to correct the other person's spelling error? -- UNSURE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR UNSURE: If you do what you are contemplating, the recipient may find it insulting, so I don't recommend it. However well-intentioned, it could lose the company a client or annoy your co-workers.

Etiquette & EthicsWork & School
life

Baby in the Buff Causes Grandma Some Concern

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 8th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My daughter "Scarlet" has a precious 18-month-old baby girl I'll call Sierra. Scarlet, her husband and the baby spend a lot of time at their beach house, where they have several full-time employees, including a nanny, housekeeper, cook and gardener. These employees have been at the house for years and are practically part of our family. The problem is, my daughter and her husband allow Sierra to walk around the house and beachfront naked throughout the day.

I have told Scarlet on several occasions that I don't feel comfortable with Sierra being exposed like that around the employees. A naked toddler might make them feel awkward, plus a child should be raised to understand that her private parts are just that -- private -- and not for anybody outside of her immediate family to look at.

Additionally, from a sanitary perspective, Sierra sits down on dirty, potentially bacteria-infested places such as kitchen tiles, grass and beach sand, which could cause infections. My daughter calls me old-fashioned and tells me not to worry. What do you think? -- MORE MODEST IN NEVADA

DEAR MORE MODEST: I seriously doubt that anyone is going to be embarrassed by the sight of a naked toddler. I know you are well-meaning, and your points may be valid, but frankly, I think you should let your daughter raise her daughter.

Health & SafetyFamily & Parenting
life

Widower Discovers Co-Worker Is Seeing Someone Else Behind His Back

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 8th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm 61 and a recent widower. I befriended a new co-worker, a woman who is single and 41. We started going out socially, and I was getting back into life.

I just found out she and my 24-year-old son have been dating for the last four months. Neither one mentioned anything about it to me. They were sneaking behind my back, and she continued to do things with me. When I realized what was going on, I confronted her and told her I felt taken advantage of and deceived. I stopped speaking with her after that.

Am I wrong to feel this way? Her relationship has come between my son and me. And yes, I realize it takes two to tango. -- IT TAKES TWO IN THE EAST

DEAR IT TAKES TWO: Your son and your co-worker should have been upfront with you. That neither one was shows a lack of character. However, there is an upside to this. You now realize you are ready to go on living after the death of your wife. Get involved in community activities; go on some dating sites and you will meet someone better suited than your co-worker. What happened with her is yet another unfortunate example of what can go wrong in an office romance.

Work & SchoolDeathFamily & ParentingLove & Dating
life

When to Send a Sympathy Card

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 8th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have a quick question. How long after a death should you wait to send a sympathy card? I have looked at your mom's and aunt's old columns, Amy Vanderbilt and Emily Post and cannot find an answer. -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN GEORGIA

DEAR NEEDS: The time to send a sympathy card is when you receive the sad news.

Etiquette & EthicsDeath

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