DEAR ABBY: I'm the proud mom of a wonderful 21-year-old daughter whom I find myself worrying about more and more lately. She just graduated from our local college and is heading to medical school in another state six hours away.

Rationally, I know she'll be fine and can take care of herself, but I am terrified that something will happen to her and I won't be there. My husband and daughter keep telling me nothing will happen and I need to calm down.

My question is, how do I go about staying calm when there is danger everywhere? She's our only child. Aren't my fears justified? Or am I overreacting like they keep telling me? -- WORRIED MOM IN ALABAMA

DEAR WORRIED MOM: You are overreacting. Many parents experience the fears you are having to some degree when their child leaves home. For many of them, it happens when the child boards the school bus at the age of 6. For others it happens when their young adult leaves for college.

While tragedies do sometimes occur, they can happen when a parent is present as well as when their child is absent. These incidents are magnified when they dominate the news cycle. If you are unable to control your anxiety, a licensed therapist may be able to help you regain your balance.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Russell," and I have had a good relationship for five years. He's black; I'm white. The problem is, on every holiday -- Mother's Day, Easter, Father's Day, etc. -- Russell and his family go out to dinner and I am not invited. I have a feeling it's because I'm white. His ex-girlfriend was black and she was always invited to family functions.

I love Russell but don't think our relationship will go anywhere because his family doesn't approve of me. My family totally accepts him, by the way.

What should I do? Should I stay in a relationship where I am shunned? He doesn't think it's that big a deal and says I shouldn't let it bother me, but how can it not? His brother's girlfriend is invited. She's black, of course. Help, please. -- EXCLUDED IN DELAWARE

DEAR EXCLUDED: You have been seeing Russell for five years? It is a big deal, and you would have to have a hide of Kevlar not to be bothered by it. Have you asked him why you are consistently excluded? Have you asked where he thinks your relationship is going? If not, it's time you did.

Not knowing Russell's family, I don't know whether they may have some other objection to you than the fact that you are white. Regretfully, racism exists in every community to some degree. Without more information, I am reluctant to label them.

DEAR ABBY: Recently I've noticed more people saying "Excuse you" instead of "Excuse me" if someone is in their way. I consider it very rude, since the person being addressed often has no idea he or she is in the way before something is said. What's an appropriate response when someone says "Excuse you"? -- EXCUSE ME IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR EXCUSE ME: This is what I would say: "Excuse me? Excuse you! If you need to get by, all you have to do is ask politely."

DEAR ABBY: The media give us stories of racial conflict and the shooting of police officers almost daily, and every reporter and news anchor proposes solutions. As a Hispanic police officer in a small city, I have an observation.

I was having lunch the other day with two other officers. Sitting across from us was a young mom whose child was throwing a temper tantrum. I overheard her say, "If you don't behave, I'm going to give you to those police officers and let them beat you!"

Abby, my parents taught me the police were my friends -- people I could go to if I had a problem. We work hard to interact with the community. I wonder how many other tired and frustrated parents have made their children afraid of the police and created distrust. Like so many other "social problems," maybe a lot of this really starts with how parents teach their children. -- POLICE ARE MY FRIENDS

DEAR POLICE OFFICER: It is the parents' responsibility to discipline their children; it is not the job of the police! It is a huge mistake for parents to instill fear of authority figures in their children, because a day may come when the kid needs help from one of them.

And by the way, this doesn't happen only with law enforcement officers. I have heard of children who are terrified of doctors because their mothers threatened them by saying if they misbehaved, "the doctor would give them a shot." To say these are prime examples of poor parenting is putting it mildly.

DEAR ABBY: I have lived next door to my late husband "Jack's" 86-year-old mother for the last 26 years. Jack died seven years ago.

Recently, she asked for my help changing an overhead light bulb. When she thanked me, I responded, "That's what family is for!" She looked at me with a puzzled expression and finally said, "Hmm ... I guess we are family, in a way."

I replied: "Your son and I were married 25 years. You're the grandmother of our children. I'm pretty sure that makes us family." She then informed me she had stopped being my mother-in-law when Jack died.

I always thought she would remain my mother-in-law until I remarried, if ever. Abby, I confess, I was not only floored by her remark, but also hurt. She used to always tell me I was the daughter she'd always wanted, but since Jack passed away, it has been painfully obvious it was never true.

So who is right? Is she still my mother-in-law? Or is she now my "ex"? -- UNWANTED "DAUGHTER"

DEAR UNWANTED: Jack's mother appears to suffer from foot-in-mouth disease. From your description of what happened, I don't think she meant to appear rejecting. I think she may have been genuinely puzzled because she thought her in-law relationship with you ended with her son's death. I am sure she was sincere when she said she loves you like the daughter she never had. Revisit this with her and tell her how it made you feel. You both need to clear the air.

DEAR ABBY: A number of years ago, it came out that my brother-in-law had raped and molested his two daughters and two granddaughters. It tore our family apart.

Although my sister said she intended to divorce him, she never did. She also didn't report it -- so he was never convicted of the crime -- but we all, including my sister, knew it was true. Since then, my sister has disowned her daughters, my mother and me. She still interacts with her son and his family.

I know I shouldn't miss my sister, but I do. I know my mom misses her, too. Abby, how can we get past this? Our family was always close, and now this. The grief is killing me. -- ANGUISHED IN ARKANSAS

DEAR ANGUISHED: It seems there was a conspiracy of silence in the family. Your sister dealt with her husband's crime by choosing to ignore that he is a sexual predator. That your sister has blamed his victims is beyond the pale. Your nieces and grand-nieces should talk with a licensed mental health professional about this, and so should you and your mother. If you're lucky, the person may be able to offer a group discount.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I are in our 50s. We have lived together for two years. He's retired. I work full time.

We have a woman friend (married with kids) he sees almost daily during the summer at the swimming pool. Every day he says to her, "What time will you be here? I'll be here around 10. See ya then." She brings him food occasionally while they're there. (He hasn't told me, but I know she has.)

Sometimes he can be in a foul mood, and all he wants is to go to the pool to relax. When we go, his eyes search for her and if/when he sees her, they light up and he gets a big smile on his face. When I pointed it out to him, he gave me the silent treatment for a couple of hours. Then he accused me of being jealous.

We are in a committed relationship, but I find this threatening. Was I wrong to say what I did? -- GEORGIA GIRL

DEAR GEORGIA GIRL: No, but after he accused you of being jealous, what you should have told him was he was right, and that you wish his eyes would light up that way when he sees you. It appears your guy has developed a crush. If you handle it with humor, it will pass. However, if you don't, you will continue to make him feel defensive -- which is counterproductive -- so use a light touch.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a first-time writer to your column. I'm mentally disabled, have MD (muscular dystrophy) and am diabetic. I take a lot of medication. When people ask me why I don't work or "Where do you work?" what should I say? When I say I don't work and that I'm disabled, they look at me funny and don't believe it. My disabilities aren't visible. -- WENDY IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR WENDY: You are not obligated to disclose your medical history to people you know casually. (If they knew you well, they wouldn't be asking those questions.) All you need to say is, "You know, that's personal. If you'll forgive me for not answering your question, I'll forgive you for asking." Then change the subject.