DEAR ABBY: The media give us stories of racial conflict and the shooting of police officers almost daily, and every reporter and news anchor proposes solutions. As a Hispanic police officer in a small city, I have an observation.

I was having lunch the other day with two other officers. Sitting across from us was a young mom whose child was throwing a temper tantrum. I overheard her say, "If you don't behave, I'm going to give you to those police officers and let them beat you!"

Abby, my parents taught me the police were my friends -- people I could go to if I had a problem. We work hard to interact with the community. I wonder how many other tired and frustrated parents have made their children afraid of the police and created distrust. Like so many other "social problems," maybe a lot of this really starts with how parents teach their children. -- POLICE ARE MY FRIENDS

DEAR POLICE OFFICER: It is the parents' responsibility to discipline their children; it is not the job of the police! It is a huge mistake for parents to instill fear of authority figures in their children, because a day may come when the kid needs help from one of them.

And by the way, this doesn't happen only with law enforcement officers. I have heard of children who are terrified of doctors because their mothers threatened them by saying if they misbehaved, "the doctor would give them a shot." To say these are prime examples of poor parenting is putting it mildly.

DEAR ABBY: I have lived next door to my late husband "Jack's" 86-year-old mother for the last 26 years. Jack died seven years ago.

Recently, she asked for my help changing an overhead light bulb. When she thanked me, I responded, "That's what family is for!" She looked at me with a puzzled expression and finally said, "Hmm ... I guess we are family, in a way."

I replied: "Your son and I were married 25 years. You're the grandmother of our children. I'm pretty sure that makes us family." She then informed me she had stopped being my mother-in-law when Jack died.

I always thought she would remain my mother-in-law until I remarried, if ever. Abby, I confess, I was not only floored by her remark, but also hurt. She used to always tell me I was the daughter she'd always wanted, but since Jack passed away, it has been painfully obvious it was never true.

So who is right? Is she still my mother-in-law? Or is she now my "ex"? -- UNWANTED "DAUGHTER"

DEAR UNWANTED: Jack's mother appears to suffer from foot-in-mouth disease. From your description of what happened, I don't think she meant to appear rejecting. I think she may have been genuinely puzzled because she thought her in-law relationship with you ended with her son's death. I am sure she was sincere when she said she loves you like the daughter she never had. Revisit this with her and tell her how it made you feel. You both need to clear the air.

DEAR ABBY: A number of years ago, it came out that my brother-in-law had raped and molested his two daughters and two granddaughters. It tore our family apart.

Although my sister said she intended to divorce him, she never did. She also didn't report it -- so he was never convicted of the crime -- but we all, including my sister, knew it was true. Since then, my sister has disowned her daughters, my mother and me. She still interacts with her son and his family.

I know I shouldn't miss my sister, but I do. I know my mom misses her, too. Abby, how can we get past this? Our family was always close, and now this. The grief is killing me. -- ANGUISHED IN ARKANSAS

DEAR ANGUISHED: It seems there was a conspiracy of silence in the family. Your sister dealt with her husband's crime by choosing to ignore that he is a sexual predator. That your sister has blamed his victims is beyond the pale. Your nieces and grand-nieces should talk with a licensed mental health professional about this, and so should you and your mother. If you're lucky, the person may be able to offer a group discount.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I are in our 50s. We have lived together for two years. He's retired. I work full time.

We have a woman friend (married with kids) he sees almost daily during the summer at the swimming pool. Every day he says to her, "What time will you be here? I'll be here around 10. See ya then." She brings him food occasionally while they're there. (He hasn't told me, but I know she has.)

Sometimes he can be in a foul mood, and all he wants is to go to the pool to relax. When we go, his eyes search for her and if/when he sees her, they light up and he gets a big smile on his face. When I pointed it out to him, he gave me the silent treatment for a couple of hours. Then he accused me of being jealous.

We are in a committed relationship, but I find this threatening. Was I wrong to say what I did? -- GEORGIA GIRL

DEAR GEORGIA GIRL: No, but after he accused you of being jealous, what you should have told him was he was right, and that you wish his eyes would light up that way when he sees you. It appears your guy has developed a crush. If you handle it with humor, it will pass. However, if you don't, you will continue to make him feel defensive -- which is counterproductive -- so use a light touch.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a first-time writer to your column. I'm mentally disabled, have MD (muscular dystrophy) and am diabetic. I take a lot of medication. When people ask me why I don't work or "Where do you work?" what should I say? When I say I don't work and that I'm disabled, they look at me funny and don't believe it. My disabilities aren't visible. -- WENDY IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR WENDY: You are not obligated to disclose your medical history to people you know casually. (If they knew you well, they wouldn't be asking those questions.) All you need to say is, "You know, that's personal. If you'll forgive me for not answering your question, I'll forgive you for asking." Then change the subject.

DEAR ABBY: I am a child care provider working with infants. Two of us work in the nursery and share responsibilities.

One baby has become extremely attached to me, to the point that I can't take a break or go to lunch without him screaming until I return. I feel guilty taking lunch breaks or even a vacation because I know that whoever substitutes for me will have to deal with the crying.

Other teachers have tried to bond with him to make it easier on everyone, but it doesn't work. It has reached the point that I'm exhausted at the end of the day from the stress of having to be near him all day. Any suggestions? -- MOTHERING IN MISSOURI

DEAR MOTHERING: Yes. You are a caring person who is doing more than your share of trying to make the baby feel secure, so stop feeling guilty. I consulted Faisal Chawla, M.D., a pediatrician in Los Angeles, who explained that separation anxiety normally occurs at around 6 to 9 months, so age may be a factor. The baby may be experiencing separation anxiety from you as others might get it when a parent drops them off at day care. It should not cause you distress since this is expected behavior.

Dr. Chawla kindly offered suggestions for coping with separation anxiety:

Establish a goodbye ritual/routine that's consistent and quick. Comfort the infant and let him/her know you will be back after your break (just as parents would tell their little one they will be back after work). Some parents do a peek-a-boo ritual, which can reduce crying goodbyes to ones with much less drama.

Leave after you say your goodbye and don't come back repeatedly. Coming back is positive reinforcement for the crying ("If I cry harder, they will come back!").

DEAR ABBY: My husband had an annoying habit of staring at me. After dinner, if I went into the kitchen while he was still at the dinner table, he would turn his chair around to stare at me. When he walked into a room I was in, he would stop and stare at me.

When I finally got sick of it and told him to cut it out, his response was, "Can't you stand scrutiny?" I said it has nothing to do with scrutiny. It's a form of trying to control me, or even mental abuse.

He has stopped it for the most part. But he reverts back every once in a while. I still have to mention it at times. What do you think of this? What do you think it means? -- ANNOYED IN THE EAST

DEAR ANNOYED: Unless you have left something out of your letter, I don't consider what he was doing to be emotional abuse. Until you spoke up, he may not have realized he was making you uncomfortable.

What I think it means is that your husband thinks you are the most beautiful woman in the world, and he's the luckiest man on the planet. Now he knows it makes you uncomfortable, he's making an effort to stop, but old habits are hard to break and he occasionally backslides.