life

Teen's Tenuous Relationship With Dad Gets Uncomfortable

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 28th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My dad has never really been in the picture. He just pops back in and out whenever he wishes and leaves when things get too hard. He has never had a job or a home since he walked out on my mother when I was 7. Recently he seems to have settled back here in town where my siblings and I live, but for some reason, he maintains contact only with me. I'm 18 and the oldest of three.

Since I have finally forgiven him for all the pain he's caused, I sometimes accept when he invites me out to eat or watch a movie. He doesn't own a car, so I give him rides when he needs them.

My problem is, he gets very touchy-feely. For example, when I'm driving, he'll put his hand on my thigh. Or when we're out together, he'll hold my hand and say, "Pretend to be my girlfriend." Of course, I immediately let go of his hand. Then he'll "playfully" hug me and force me to be close to him.

I don't know how to tell him he makes me feel uncomfortable. I have recently stopped answering his phone calls, but I feel bad because I would like a normal relationship with my father. How do I get him to start acting less like a creep and more like a father? -- DESPERATELY NEEDING ADVICE

DEAR DESPERATELY NEEDING: You may wish for a normal relationship with your father, but from your description, it never has been. Your father's behavior is extremely inappropriate. You might be able to get him to stop "acting like a creep and more like a father" by telling him in plain English to cut it out. If he persists, avoid him, and do not feel guilty about it.

And if your siblings are female, talk to them and warn them about their father's impulses -- if they don't already know. Hasn't it occurred to you that your father contacts only you because you are no longer a minor?

TeensSex & GenderFamily & Parenting
life

Son Wants a Heads-Up When Guests Are Coming for Dinner

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 28th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My 43-year-old son lives with my husband and me because of medical issues. On weekends he stays over at his girlfriend's house. Occasionally, on weekends he's not here, I'll invite people over for dinner.

He says that because he lives here, he should be told when people are coming to the house. I say because he is not here at the time, and my husband and I own the house, it's none of his business. Who is right? -- LADY OF THE HOUSE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR LADY: Your son has a point. I see no reason to withhold the information from him. He is a full-fledged member of the household. If his concern is that your guests might go into his room or go through his things, he may want to lock his door when company is coming in his absence.

Family & Parenting
life

Longtime Patients Seek Graceful Departure From Dentist

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 28th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: For the past couple of years, my husband and I have not been happy with the service provided by our dentist. We have been patients of his for years and recently decided to switch to someone else. What would be the best way to approach this? We are unsure how to diplomatically tell him that we won't be going back to him. We both have upcoming appointments. -- DENTAL DILEMMA

DEAR DILEMMA: You do not have to explain why you are leaving unless you want to do the dentist the favor of telling him why. All you need to do is call the receptionist and say you are canceling the appointments. Your new dentist can contact the old one and request your records. You do not have to pick them up and deliver them yourself.

Etiquette & Ethics
life

Friends Add to Woman's Grief by Not Being There for Her

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 27th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm a retired woman living in a condo complex that houses mostly seniors. During the eight years I have lived here, I've always participated in several monthly social events, and have served on the condo association board. I know most of the other residents and count many of them as friends.

A couple of years ago, my dad moved in with me so I could care for him. The early evening he passed away, there were many emergency vehicles. Shockingly, not one of my neighbors came over. The police wouldn't leave me alone, and it took a while for another relative to get here. The next day, a neighborhood representative called to ask me what had happened.

Am I right in feeling hurt that my friends didn't care enough to check on things right away? They knew my situation. -- HURT IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR HURT: The reason many people would stay away from a scene like you describe might be that, because a lot was going on, they didn't want to intrude. Before jumping to conclusions about why your friends didn't contact you immediately, ask them why they didn't and give them an opportunity to explain.

Friends & NeighborsDeath
life

Man Doing Laundry Has Simple Request for Wife

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 27th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for seven years. It's the second marriage for both of us, and I'm getting ready to retire.

I do our laundry. She works very hard in her profession, and I do it because I enjoy the feeling of a job well done and doing something nice for her. However, my wife refuses, in spite of my repeatedly asking, to turn her clothes right-side out before putting them in the laundry basket. It takes me at least 30 minutes every wash day to correct her clothes before washing.

This is an ongoing annoyance. Her response usually is, "If you don't like it, don't do my laundry!" Am I asking too much? Is her habit so ingrained that she can't change it? -- HUSBAND IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM

DEAR HUSBAND: Many people wash their clothes inside out because they think it gets the garment cleaner or they're afraid that washing the items right-side out will cause fading. Between you and me, I think your wife's suggestion is a good one. Let her wash her own clothes for a while, and you may find she becomes more cooperative.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Nieces Bury Aunt Under Pile of Family Photos

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 27th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My nieces send me pictures of their children on every occasion. I love them, but I don't understand why they think I want prints. I'd rather view them online. Is there a way I can tell them without damaging our relationship, or must I continue to keep my mouth shut and throw the photos into an ever-growing pile? -- AUNTIE-PIC

DEAR AUNTIE-PIC: It should offend no one if you "suggest" that you would love to view these lovely photos online rather than have your nieces "go to the expense" of printing and mailing them to you. Then cross your fingers and pray they take the hint.

Family & Parenting
life

Visits With Parents Bring Tears to Daughter's Eyes

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 26th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My parents live a simple life, enjoying their days as retirees. They invite me to join them for special occasions at their house (my childhood home) and although the house is organized and tidy, I become ill when I spend more than a few hours under their roof.

Their cleaning practices are questionable. They simply rinse plates and utensils after use, as opposed to using the dishwasher. Within an hour of arriving, the dust makes my allergies and asthma flare up. They prefer to launder clothes, sheets, blankets, etc. only occasionally out of concern about "wasting water" and money. Their dog and cat have urinated throughout the house, and my parents claim to not be able to smell it.

I don't want to hurt their feelings by declining their invitations, but I can't stand to get sick every time I walk through their door. Help! -- SNEEZING IN THE SUBURBS

DEAR SNEEZING: You're right, you can't. That's why it's time to speak up and tell your parents your allergies flare up when you visit their house. If you're expected to spend the night there, tell them that from now on you'll sleep at a hotel/motel nearby. And before using them, either wash their eating utensils or take your parents out for meals, which will make it easier on all of you.

Health & SafetyFamily & Parenting
life

Dad Objects to Son's Attendance at Gay Pride Parade

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 26th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife took my 8-year-old son to a gay pride parade last week. She snapped a picture of him holding a rainbow flag and posted it to social media.

I don't feel comfortable with my son attending gay pride parades. I think he's too young to be exposed to this kind of thing. I'm not concerned about him being gay, that's not the issue. Some attendees of these parades can be sexually provocative.

I want my son to be a kid and have a happy childhood. What's a good way to talk to his mother about this? -- HAPPY CHILDHOOD IN THE EAST

DEAR HAPPY: Children exposed to adult activities should be prepared beforehand. Of course, much depends on the maturity level of the child.

The police usually keep a close watch on these gatherings to ensure public safety. Children younger than 8 have attended these parades with their parents or other loved ones with no unpleasant aftereffects. If anything obscene had happened at the event your ex-wife took the boy to, you would have heard about it. Feeling as you do, you should absolutely raise this subject with your ex -- if only so she can reassure you.

Sex & GenderFamily & Parenting
life

Man's Refusal to Wear Wedding Ring Gets Under Wife's Skin

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 26th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I will soon celebrate our 32nd wedding anniversary. It bothers me increasingly that he doesn't wear a wedding ring. He says a ring bothers him when he is working, but he has been retired for most of our marriage. He wears a chain with two pendants as well as a large gold bracelet every day.

When I bring it up, he says he tells everyone he meets that he's married or mentions me in conversation. I'm not worried about him being unfaithful. I just like the way a ring looks and makes me feel. Advice? -- SYMBOLIC IN FLORIDA

DEAR SYMBOLIC: You have been married -- I presume happily -- for 32 years. Not every man is comfortable wearing a ring. (My husband happens to be one of them.) My advice is to stop obsessing, let it go and let him be himself.

Marriage & Divorce

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